Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride
by Al Kristopher
Summary: The cast of RGU puts their own bizarre spin on several classic fairy tales, each weirder than the last. Contains shounenai, shoujoai, incest, the usual fare.
1. Sleeping Onion Princess

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

The last gasp of class from Al Kristopher, Mr. Toasty, and their associates.

Episode Won: Sleeping Onion Princess

Annoyingly, perhaps predictably, this story opens at the beginning, and already we all know we're doomed. Wakaba had gone to great lengths to impose upon herself a more attractive aura, but as always, failed and met with the substandard version of herself in some dusty, uncaring mirror. Feeling like a sliced-open pepper (she refused association with the bitter bulbs mama tagged onto her persona), Wakaba screamed and wondered for the (precisely) seventy-fourth time why she, of all people, had been gifted with mundanity. Surely no magi came to her upon birth—more like an acne-covered delivery boy, voice squeaking and clothes never fitting his lanky, charmless frame. It'd account for her envy of the throne, her desire to sit upon it just once—just once!—and to be the princess, so desirable and perfect.

"Beauty is a curse, Wakaba," Utena had said, quoting from a much wiser source. "It's not all it's cracked up to be, trust me. The most special people have the hardest lives. Everyone expects something from them—just look at Miki and Juri, and even Nanami." So, Wakaba, she said without words, you must be thankful for your mediocrity. Nobody expects you to do something great. You have unlimited freedom; our curses put us in tiny fences.

Yeah. Easy for you to say, Utena Tenjo.

This dilemma might've continued for an elusive "eternity" had not a most wicked sorceress came, bringing destruction and misery along with her (that blasted baggage security department must've been slacking if they had missed something like destruction and misery, though I think when the sorceress traveled, she smuggled them across borders in order to heighten her success. Go on, imagine it for awhile. The story will still be here when you get back). This foul, degenerate sorceress had a mind to lull the world's most perfect, submissive princess into a deep sleep, where she would remain forever, until such a time came when her true love awakened her.

"HOLD IT!"

Narration froze, turned, and beheld the Sorceress Nanami, sporting an irate glare.

"Would you mind telling me why _I'm_ the one playing the sorceress? Certainly there can be no doubt of the magic in my veins, but do you dare conceive that just because I can use 'witchcraft', I'm automatically evil? And furthermore, what sort of ridiculous plan is it to knock a princess out just so she can be raped—_yes, I said it!_—raped by any passing stranger who claims royal relations? It's ludicrous!"

"I'm sorry, Nanami," said Touga, the concern and emotion in his voice on level with Nanami's own unshakable morals, "but that's the way things go. You've been chosen as sorceress, but don't take it too seriously. Just have fun with it. You'll get to be the heroine eventually."

"_Oh, big brother!_"

"Oh brother" is right. Sheesh!

"You always just know what to say to lift my spirits!" she gushed, forming a noose around his neck with her arms. "If you think I can perform this part well, then I'll do my very best! Are you going to watch? Are you going to cheer your little sister as she makes her grand debut?"

"Of course I am," he replied, smiling as if it was the last thing on his mind. Oh, I'm sorry, that's his _usual_ look. Please forgive me.

"Enough with the introspective!" shouted the sorceress, too beautiful to behold. "Hmph! That's better! It's because of my beauty that people are jealous. That's why they say I'm evil, but nothing could be further from the truth! Yes, I _will_ put the princess to sleep, and pray that she meets her true love. That way, when she awakens, it'll be two less people who'll stand in my brother's way!" As you can see, Nanami's logic knows no weakness, and could readily stand up, firmly, even in the highest orders. Not believing in wasting time, Nanami began her spell at once, calling the dark arts to surround her and accentuate the grand majesty of her debut performance—I mean, the dramatic moment!

"I pray to Dios, grant me the power to bring the princess to slumber! Hit her with everything you have!" Just at that moment, though, as she wandered about wondering how she could ever ascend beyond the level of typicality, Wakaba was regrettably in the path of the spell, and absorbed its full, catastrophic brunt. Anthy, for once, was spared the disaster, and went on to mindlessly pick flowers and create explosive curry for use in a foreign war.

(Scene cut: soldiers laying down their arms and offering the curry as a "peace offering" to their enemies. Let your imagination fill in the rest.)

Meanwhile, Nanami…

"OH NO! WHAT HAVE I DONE!"

Was distraught, to say the least.

"I hit the wrong person!" she exclaimed, lifting Wakaba to ascertain the absence of regality. "This isn't a princess! This isn't even a baroness! This is…this is just a royal servant, a latchkey kid, a…a…a _minion!_ This is a minion I've hit! All those special effects went to waste! Now I'm over budget…"

"So is that your excuse for not trying the spell again?" Touga snorted. "Honestly, Nanami, your debut performance has not been very good."

"Please give me another chance, big brother!" she wailed, clutching onto his legs. "I can fix everything, I promise! I've just come up with a brilliant idea that will reverse everything and set things right!"

"Maybe you shouldn't even bother," Touga sighed. "After all, what's the point? But if you want to, I won't stop you."

And so… 

"Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up and see if you have what it takes to wake the sleeping princess! Are you a noble prince with a kiss of rejuvenation, or merely a pauper looking to get his kicks by planting a big wet one on some poor defenseless girl? Step right up and see! Only a hundred yen per customer—erm, challenger!"

Touga—and to a greater extent, Mitsuru—had to admit that when Nanami set herself to do something, she went all out. She had erected the "princess" on a gigantic elaborate bed, draped a veil over it, and set romantic rose petals (you were expecting _daffodils?_) across the sheets. But that was not enough: she and her trinity of sycophants had also constructed an authentic European castle around the slumbering girl, complete with a labyrinthine system of thorns and briars to weed out potential losers.

Nanami's chain of thought was that since only she and Touga knew the princess really was an ordinary girl, they (or really, she) could cash in on all the gullible people of the world who believed it was Anthy, the princess intended for the spell to afflict, behind those drapes and thorns, and not humble little Wakaba. Even if there were a prince bold enough to face these dangers (oh those wicked drapes!), by proving their royal status, they would wake Wakaba, reverse the spell, and return the magical energy back to Nanami, which she would then use on her true target.

Truly an ingenious and flawless system of logic she had, that girl.

……

"You mean Miss Himemiya is in _there?_" cried Miki, almost thrusting himself against the danger. "And she's been hit by a terrible spell which causes her to sleep, and only the kiss of a true prince can wake her?"

"Yes, yes," sighed the delusional sorceress, waving a plastic wand. "Just what are you anyway, the Plot Police?"

"I've got to save her!" he cried, ignoring her. Miki plunged at the overgrowth of thorns and began hacking away, but with that tiny little rapier of his, he barely severed a single vine before his weapon broke. Ouch—that had to bruise his ego. Hope nobody caught the phallic imagery.

"One side!" cried Juri, parting the crowd with her mere presence. She approached the tangled mess boldly, and studied like she would a fencing opponent. She then raised her sword, saluted, ran forth in a violent stabbing motion, screaming with all her fury…

And stopped suddenly to apply weed-killer.

"You're going about it the wrong way," she said, always calm. "You mustn't use barbaric fashions to get anywhere in life. Everything must be approached scientifically. These weeds won't know what hit them."

"You mean _we_ won't know what hit us!" cried Saionji, crumbling to the ground, his face perfectly blue. It seemed everyone was gagging on the fumes Juri's scientific method was producing—except for Juri, of course, who just stood there and grumbled amidst the miasma. The thorns remained, prickly as ever.

"Won't somebody save the princess?" asked Miki, now wearing a gas-mask. Saionji stood, also sporting one.

"It is I who will save the fair damsel, with the only method that suits a noble prince like myself. Anthy my love, your righteous Saionji is coming for you."

Three, two, one…

"BURNINATOR!" The green-haired prince charged with a flame-thrower, and laughed maniacally as he waved it around, consuming the thick foliage. "Burn, baby, burn! Burn to the ground! Fire is good! Fire is our friend! The flames purify all! Ahahahahahahaha!"

Forty-one seconds later… 

"You think he overdid it?" said Utena, examining the damage. Needless to say, Saionji's method was…ineffective. The paramedics had to swath him from head to toe in bandages; he looked more like a mummified corpse than a prince. The undergrowth remained, although admittedly Mr. Don Quixote did eliminate most of it, along with the castle and his dangerous beauty (anything for his princess, who was conveniently standing next to Utena).

"It seems that way," she then replied. Miki stared in surprise.

"Wait a minute! If you're out here, then…who's the princess in there?" All eyes turned to the culprit: Namai's entire face developed a nervous tic.

"Wh-what are you looking at me for? I had nothing to do with it! I only wanted Anthy out of the way so she wouldn't bother my brother!"

"More no-good nonsense from you?" Utena fumed. She approached the succubus but was stopped by Mitsuru, a soul too brave to be anchored by Miss Kiryuu.

"Hold it! Miss Nanami is only trying to make up for her mistake by reviving the victim of her misdeeds! Doesn't she deserve a little credit?" Without waiting for an answer, he turned and bowed to his mistress. "I will go in. I will wake the princess, and this whole mess will be over." As he approached the castle, Utena called out for him to stop—but it was too late, the damage was done. He came back scarred and bruised, with only the kindhearted Miss Tenjou to care for him. After mending his wounds, our heroine bravely stepped forth and challenged the thorns.

"Utena, you're being silly," Juri commented. "You already have a princess. Do you want _two?_ You know, some of us don't even have one."

"Present company excluded?" she teased. Juri scowled and looked away; Utena had pushed one great big freaking button with that one. With a thrash, a slash, and a mighty princess bash, Utena hacked her way through the thorns, careful of their treachery. Though her uniform was ripped and torn (go on, cheesecake lovers, eat it up), she pressed on, until at last she came to the tower where the false princess was kept.

"Why do I have the strangest feeling of déjà vu?" she wondered. Girding herself, she ascended the winding staircase…

_The Absolute Destiny Apocalypse_

_The Absolute Destiny Apocalypse_

_Birth records, baptismal records, records of death_

_The Absolute Destiny Apocalypse_

_The Absolute Destiny Apocalypse_

_My own birth, absolute birth_

_Apocalypse_

_A shining place in a—_

"All right, I get it! I'm at the top anyway, so you can turn the music off!"

An awkward pause permeated the small room as she approached the elevated bed, the snoring princess upon it, and yes, even the little rose petals that gave it a more magical feel. Utena parted the veil with her hand, and turned somber as she beheld her friend, average Wakaba, who would probably never be in this situation again. Utena could not help but feel love for her most cherished pal, and so, whether out of pity or genuine interest (or, as was probably the case, to end this farce), she covered Wakaba's mouth with her own and bestowed a kiss.

Outside, Saionji sneezed.

"I think my lesbian senses are tingling," he moaned. He got the chance to see his theory proven correct as Utena came into view, marching through the dissipating thorns with a weary but aware Wakaba in her arms, confused about why she was here and not safe with a prince.

"Ugh…what happened?" she said, naturally. Utena smiled lovingly.

"Oh, you know—the usual. Namai put one of her wacky schemes into motion, and one of my close friends bore the burden. It's lucky I was able to save you, Wakaba! You might've been in there a lot longer!"

"_You_ saved me?" Wakaba held herself closer to Utena as the pink-haired maiden confirmed it. "Then…that means…"

(Wait for it…)

"OH, UTENA MY LOVE! I ALWAYS KNEW YOU'D BE MY PRINCE! UTENA-UTENA-_UTENA!_"

"GAH! Wakaba! My…ow! You're…gaah! Losing…oxygen!"

"Utena! UTENA! You're my one true love forevermore!" And so, with the average princess squealing and the extraordinary prince muttering in pain, they rode off into the—

"Wait a minute! What about Miss Himemiya? She just lost her prince!"

"That's all right," she replied cordially. "I'll just find one next time."

Miki grumbled. "Oh."

And so, with that little issue solved, the prince and princess rode off into the—

"Don't you mean they _walked?_" Saionji said. "I don't see anything they can ride on. Except each other."

"A little too far, my friend," Touga muttered. Saionji sneezed again.

Right. With that matter resolved, the two would-be lovers WALKED off into the—

"Lovers?" Juri muttered. "Are you serious? Is this canon, or merely a veiled attempt at a Mary Sue? Oh sure, in any other series they _would_ be considered, but you have to remember that RGU, as we'll call it, is full of these Sapphic hints and jabs. So we can hardly call them 'lovers', even with this ending."

Can I finish? Thanks. Utena and Wakaba walked off into the sunset, where they lived happily ever after—

"You mean they lived in the sunset?" asked Miki.

No, but—

"And aren't you being a bit too optimistic?" Juri grumbled. "'Happily ever after' is an impossible scenario. You can't expect two people to be permanently _happy_ with each other, no matter how much love they share! There's going to be some conflict down the road, you have to acknowledge that!"

I give up. Good night, folks.

The End 

_Stay tuned for the next installment._

_Or else._


	2. Little Red Rose Bride

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

A desperate attempt on my behalf to look as cool as the other kids.

The Second Thing: Little Red Rose Bride

Once upon a time…is such an overused cliché. I mean, really. Does anybody even know what it means? It doesn't matter; this tangent is mean, so I'm telling its mother all about it and moving onto another one. There once was a girl (already you're interested, I see), and she wore the most beautiful rose-colored cloak and hood imaginable. This girl was such a picture of innocence and gaiety that everyone loved her, especially her ill older brother, whom she cared for (or at least in this version!). The girl's name was Anthy (I know, it's a shock), but because of her outfit, everyone called her Little Red Rose Bride.

I just totally blew your mind, didn't I?

It was a dark and stormy night…is another overused cliché, so I'm going to have some fun and mesh the two together! Once upon a time, on a dark and stormy night, Little Red Rose Bride decided to set out to tend to her violently sick older brother. Since it was raining quite hard and thundering as if the world would soon come to an end, it seemed the perfect time to wander out, unprepared for the weather, bearing a gift basket to help her brother in his time of need (because nothing says "this will cure anything" like a nice gift basket). And of course, as soon as Little Red Rose Bride stepped outside, she got completely soaked.

"Soaked?" blurted a nearby wolf. Now don't be alarmed, kids, this isn't the kind of wolf that's nearly endangered, nor is it the cool kind you read about in normal fairy tales—you know, the ones that eat people and make a big bloody mess, and can sometimes turn into humans and run around screwing with other people's minds. No, I'm talking about the most dangerous wolf of them all—the kind that preys on women and think they are simply divine gifts from the heavens. This one particular wolf was called Saionji, and from the moment he saw Anthy (drenched and wrestling with the wind for possession of her gift basket), he knew he had to have her.

"Soaked," he said again, staring shamelessly (you can't blame him, folks). The storm continued up to the point where any sane person would forget about traveling, even if it was to see a terminally ill brother, so naturally Anthy resumed her quest, blithely innocent to her surroundings (poor lil' lady). Saionji the wolf, believing himself a gentleman, rushed against the wind in an effort to rescue her from this inclement fate.

"Anthy!" he shouted. Roaring thunder and prevailing winds stole his voice from him, and a heavy breeze knocked the poor green-haired fool away, where he landed in a herd of elephants, which proceeded to stampede him.

Now that the running gag has gone on long enough, the storm became quiet and the sun arose from its slumber, curious to see how the world ended up in its absence. Noticing how positively wet everything was, and how absolutely soaked Anthy became, it proceeded to turn the heat up and dry everything beneath it. And of course, it's always hottest after a heavy rainstorm, when the air becomes muggy. Little Red Rose Bride no longer had to worry about being soaked by the rain, but rather by her own perspiration.

"Ah, such a hot day," she observed. "It would be nice to slip into something more appropriate for this weather."

"Never worry, Anthy!" Saionji shrieked, rising up from the stampede to assist her. "I come to you bearing outfits that are well-suited for this environment! Lo, a scanty bikini!" He rushed in front of her, holding what may as well have been dental floss and coins tied together on a string. Anthy smiled in greeting, since she had clearly never seen this person before.

"Oh, hello! Isn't it a nice day today? Wasn't that just the most terrible storm we had lately?"

"Listen, Anthy," Saionji said, approaching her swiftly, "we can forget about the smalltalk and go straight to business. The heat is unbearable, and you seem to be suffering even more in that not-so-little red riding-hood. I think you'd be much better off in this outfit, which I give to you."

"What outfit?" she asked, staring hard. Saionji held the "outfit" proudly (if it could even be called that), but the blasted thing was so miniscule, it was almost impossible to see.

"Um…why this one, of course."

"Oh…I'm sorry, but I don't see any. Will you excuse me, please? I must deliver this gift basket to my sick brother. I do not wish to keep him waiting. Thank you for your understanding." She bowed and strolled off, leaving Saionji standing there, clutching the strings and the coin-sized material. A droplet of sweat trickled down his face, and suddenly, for no reason at all, the elephants came back and chased him away.

"THIS IS NANAMI'S SCHTICK!" he screamed. "I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CHASED BY THESE THINGS! WHERE ARE THE PLOT POLICE WHEN YOU NEED THEM!"

Elsewhere… 

"If it cannot break out of its shell, the chick will die without ever—"

"Without ever being born, we know. We only hear it every freaking day, Touga." President Kiryuu coughed rather loudly. And this was one of Juri's _better_ moods.

"Yes, well, I hope everyone here understands why we're gathered together." From out of nowhere, for no reason at all, a feather fell down in front of the red-haired prez.

"Indeed I do!" shouted Nanami, sporting feathers in her hair. "We are not in this section of the story at all! So far it has that weirdo Anthy, and that creep Saionji! I feel it's an insult to forget all about us, especially after the trauma we were put through!"

"Consider it to be the act of dodging a great bullet," Juri suggested, playing with a feather in her hands. "Would you _want_ to further humiliate yourself, or would you rather stand aside and let others take the fall?"

"Neither!" Nanami screamed, pointing a peacock feather at the older woman. "I want the chance to redeem myself! Appearing in as many stories as possible is the only way I can do that!"

"This conversation is getting us nowhere," said Miki, trying on a pair of Icarus wings. "And besides, aren't you acting a bit, well…"

"A bit _what!_" He hesitated. A tiny dove's feather trickled down, landing on the floor above a raven's feather.

"Well, a bit—"

"Flighty," said Juri, blowing a feather out of her hand. Naturally, Nanami screamed at the bad pun, and a flock of birds sailed by in the background.

……

Making the best of the unseasonable season, Little Red Rose Bride strolled carelessly down the winding path, gradually making her way to the house of her morbidly ill sibling (I swear, the guy gets worse every time I talk about him). Saionji, knowing that the only chance he'd have with Anthy would be in her brother's house, decided to take a shortcut. Now why Little Red Rose Bride never bothered to take this path was a mystery—I mean, you'd think she'd be in a hurry to save her brother from drowning in his own vomit—but this is Anthy we're talking about, and let's face it, she's not the sharpest bulb in the cupboard.

Saionji arrived first, no surprise there, and took a moment to study his surroundings. Anthy's brother, who he could only assume to be Akio (it ain't Kunihiko Ikuhara), lived in a snug little cottage, nestled in a very rustic part of the woods (hey, I studied grammar in college, and I'll darn well use those big words whenever I like!). Saionji knew he had to sneak in and assume the role of Akio in order to trick Anthy, but he was smart enough to not try the door. A helpless invalid would keep it locked, so first he opened the window. It was covered with snails.

After expressing his disgust, Saionji climbed up on the roof of the cottage and tried slipping in through the chimney, but alas, it was home to a ravenous mongoose. Finally, feeling frustrated, he decided to dig his way through, and donned a hard hat and a miner's pick just for the occasion. He got about halfway there before he ran into—yup, you guessed it—the octopus. After meeting with so many impossible obstacles, Saionji rested on the door, exhausted and thrust into a state of disbelief. Without any effort on his part, the door opened, and he toppled inside.

It took him awhile to stop cursing. When he could speak like a civilized gent, the ungallant knight rose and made his way to Akio's room, grinning like the lunatic he was. He found the poor sick man in bed, reading quietly, a fire roaring in the distance and at the head, a circlet of feathers, no doubt having some connection to the non sequitur scene change earlier. Akio looked up, noticed his non-Anthy guest, and expressed little alarm.

"I was expecting my sister," he said, "but what difference does it make? One taboo is as good as another." Akio unfurled the bed covers, revealing a space reserved for the next guest—along with quite a bit of his "person", if you know what I mean. Needless to say, Saionji was taken off guard.

"No way, man! The Sai-man does not swing that way! I'm getting out of here before something really bad happens!" He leaped out the window, smashing through the snails, and before he had the chance to regain his senses, the elephants returned and chased him away. Meanwhile, Akio sighed.

"Oh well, too bad. It could've been fun. But at least my sister will stay."

All the while this was happening, Little Red Rose Bride was minding her business along the great winding path. The day's unbearable heat was lessening—probably because taking the long way put her in a lot of shade—and the journey was nearly complete. However, before she could catch sight of her brother's snug, rustic, little, nestled cottage, a surprise waited in store for her along the trail. It was Saionji, gasping and pale, dripping with the sweat of fear. He saw Anthy and gave her the most frightening look.

"Oh Little Red Rose Bride," he lamented, "I have been such a fool. If I truly had fallen for you and married you as I should have, I would no doubt be the in-law of that perverse scoundrel of a brother you have. Now I'm glad I never had anything to do with that!"

"Oh Saionji," she gushed, "what big angry veins you have!"

"All the better to be irritated with. He offered…he offered… Anthy, my love, do you know what your brother offered?"

"And oh, Saionji, what a big scowl you have!"

"All the better to express my frustration with. Your brother offered something I wish never to be a part of again."

"And oh, Saionji, what a great big _huge_ gigantic enormous gargantuan sword you have!"

"All the better to—" He froze, unwilling to say it. Suddenly, Utena fell out of the sky and landed on him.

"Revolutionary Girl Action!" she shouted, striking a pose. Anthy smiled cutely and clapped.

"What an entrance! You really know how to put on a show, Miss Utena!"

"It was nothing," she giggled humbly. "So, are you ready? I came to save you just in time."

"That is true, Miss Utena. I'm ready whenever you are." Utena smiled brightly, took Little Red Rose Bride by her hand, and together, they walked away into the sunset, where they would find their own snug little rustic cottage nestled in the woods to settle in. Saionji, in the meantime, was left with the gift basket (which Anthy forgot) and quite a record-breaking headache.

"Anthy…my true darling…I've had another change of heart. I'll be your husband even if I have to be related to your peculiar brother! Anything for you!"

"Saionji!" exclaimed Akio's voice from behind. The poor man wheeled around to see him standing there, healthy and glowing. "Did you bring me," he grinned, "a _gift_ basket?"

"Oh noooooooooooooo!"

The End 

_Stay tuned for the next installment._

_Please_?


	3. Snow White and the Seven Samurai

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

Just when you thought it was safe to spoof the brothers Grimm.

Our Third Chapter Is: Snow White and the Seven Samurai

She was supposed to be as fair as snow, with hair as dark as ebony, but as it turned out, the heroine of the story was actually quite tanned, with a clear orange mane and a temper only matched by her swordplay. This was no weeping maiden, defenseless against the tides and fortunes, but a strong and independent creature, poised upon the brink of greatness and lunacy. She was Juri, not a maiden pure as snow, but a complex and torn-apart individual, certainly worthy of achieving a royal title at least. Here, she has earned the rank of princess and heroine—because let's face it, she puts up with a lot of crap.

"And just what are you suggesting?" Nanami blurted. Thankfully, since she is not in this story, this is her only cameo. "What the? You mean I… Oh, not again! I'll never have the chance to redeem myself!"

Anyway, no matter what she was, Juri was clearly the fairest in the land, although it's not really correct to say that. As was mentioned earlier, Juri was hardly a maiden, and it'd be improper to call her "fair" in this sense. Her beauty and skill went without peer; the strength she had, constantly struggling to overcome all fragility, made her appear all the more indomitable. Others across the land had to wear masks to cover the sheer green of their faces whenever they passed her, so envious were they. Their smiles were cruel and bright, like an overbearing sun above harsh desert sands. But Juri could weather their hatred; she could bear it all and not seem weighed down in the least.

But every mountain has its feeble moments, every force of nature must have its time of tranquility, and even a goddess may find herself limping in the face of a more prominent threat. Juri's cross to bear was a voluntary one, and she could not part with the chain around her neck no matter how hard she tried, or how great the distance she tried to separate from it. The golden noose bore _her_ photo, that damned princess from afar, who was so good and evil, and everything she feared, loathed, and wanted.

Shiori—the gallows, personified. This was a woman who loved and loathed; Juri was her poison, her sweet nectar in oblivion, the thirst in the desert and the oasis after. She recently became aware of just how great a burden she was causing her dear fellow princess—hiring that man to steal the golden chain had been worth her time and money—but the gallows weren't enough, and there did not seem to be any other equalizers. Shiori wanted Juri, body and soul, and she wanted to drink her blood, to kill her, to have her: the three divisions of the mind fought, id and ego wrestling with superego. When three persona compete, there can be no real, true happy ending.

Bathing seemed to cleanse her for the moment. Shiori undressed and found a pool; the nakedness seemed scandalous, though she was alone. The water rippled when she stepped in, as if it were afraid of her, Little Miss Executioner, the hanging princess. She baptized herself and felt devilish. She wondered if Satan drank holy water as a mocking gesture. She put some in her mouth and found the taste bitter, but of course: this was all Shiroi Soup, with her as the main ingredient, and she could make anything bitter. When the waves calmed, adjusting to her presence, she finally beheld her reflection, a reverse-Shiori, looking back up at her.

"A mirror," she stated. "Mirror, mirror, before me now—tell me who's the fairest, now." It only showed herself. She took in a great breath, chest ballooning, and smashed her reflection, knowing this was the only time that a mirror lied. Forget seven years of bad luck: Shiroi was damned eternally thanks to that perfect princess, who would always be the mountain to her gloomy hill.

"A bitter pool," she muttered, lifting her wet hand up to her face. She drank the water again and smiled. "Humankind fell out of want for a mere apple. Wouldn't it be proper, then, to make Juri devour the bitterest apple of them all?"

_I'm not a wicked queen. Juri is the only one I love. Why am I going through with this?_

"Morality has no place here," she said before thrusting her head into the pool.

………

A repulsive _ding-dong_ woke Princess Juri from her daze. She tossed aside whatever object was in her hands and walked to answer the door. On the opposite side was a man, faceless as all men seemed to be in that era. She regarded him stoically, because this man was not special—just another dot in the line of humanity.

"Package for Miss Juri Arisugawa," he announced. Juri performed the usual signature dance and made arrangements to tip him and retrieve the package. It was from Shiori, she noticed with a smile. Opening it, she discovered an apple, so red it almost seemed purple. She glared, first at the fruit and then at the delivery boy.

"You eat it," she ordered. The poor guy became flustered and refused.

"Ma'am, I—"

"_Eat _it." He obeyed. Juri raised an orange eyebrow of suspicion as he toppled over and fell into a comatose state. Hmm. How odd. She picked the apple up, smelled it, and sighed in annoyance. Definitely Shiori. The girl could not poison her any more, so without any hesitation, Juri consumed the fruit and left its core in the trash. She then abandoned her house: Shiori would never bother her again once she discovered isolation. Maybe then she could be rid of the last vestiges of frailty that resided in the dark corners of her heart.

Braving the unknown, the princess set forth into darkness, each step putting her away from that which she needed, that which she feared, her bane and blessing, the curse and the joy, Janus herself. The sky was dark enough to constitute a nightmare; perhaps the very sensation of running was now false, thrown up as an excuse, a mere dream. She was not penetrating anything, though she found herself lurking further into the black inky hole before her. Shiori. Shiori. Shiori. Shiori. What a name. It was driving her crazy. It was like the chug of a locomotive, rumbling its way across the void, barring her way all of a sudden. Juri froze—the train seemed to run for decades, each car shining and golden and plastered with her image. The darkness it slipped into resembled a ghost she no longer wanted to look at, so with a shriek, she jumped as high as she could, vaulting over the machine as it vanished into the night.

Okay. Okay. Calm down. Don't lose yourself. It's just a noise. Trains were common. This is a familiar place. You've been here before. Grope for something real, something like pain or your pulse or…or her. Juri found herself reaching for her locket. Of all the things to discover in a place like this. The chains were unbearable, the sphere of gold like an anchor, dragging her down into the depths. But Shiori had been strong for those years, a safe haven in rough times. And she felt so _good_.

Nothing seemed correct anymore, so she just ran, realizing that only action could save her. Juri ran and confronted her dark self; she realized she had more to fear than originally believed, and that the greatest walls often lead to the deepest descents. She must've fallen for ages, because she remembers a darkness greater than fear washing over her, and all sense of time, space, and logic losing their value. It was a traumatic experience, but it sure beat home economics.

Juri was not rewarded well for the effort of waking up. She distinctly remembered hearing a great big voice screaming, "And _that's_ the story of how I defeated the 108 bandits of the rogue city of Inoshinke!" A much calmer, smoother voice followed, reason against chaos.

"Sure, big fella, whatever you say."

"It's _true!_" screamed the first voice. "I've got proof!"

"Oh, like that scroll was your proof of being a samurai?"

"Shut up!" it screeched again. Juri wished it would only take its own advice. In an effort to silence it and bring attention to herself—first came hearing, then came the sensation of touch, followed by a world of pain—she groaned, and weakly moved her arm. One of the more pleasant voices spoke up, indicating that yes, she was now everyone's focus.

"Oh, look, the sleeping princess awakes. Guess you owe me a bowl of rice, Kiku." The first voice grumbled; Juri's vision came next, just in time to see who her rescuers were. There were seven of them, as ragtag as any group, and when her vision became complete, she recognized them all. Samurai, every last one of them.

"Terrific," she moaned. "I ran right into a crossover."

"Crossover?" said Heihachi, scratching his cheek. "What's that?"

……

Shiori was dueling when she discovered that Juri had not only survived, but was completely unaffected. She lost the match and isolated herself.

"I'm sorry, my dear," she sighed, feeling guilty. "I've hurt you so much in the past that not even my own brand of venom can spoil you. You may have even enjoyed the treat. Juri, my mind is at constant battle with itself. I'm afraid, my dear, that you've got a nihilistic princess for a friend. It must be so difficult."

_You should stop this game. Just give up. Can't you see this feud is tearing both of you apart?_

"If we're both torn apart, we can become sewn up together. We'll be as one forever."

_You're quite mad, you know._

"Didn't I kill you?" she wondered, tracing lines on the floor. Shiori would surrender her kingdom for a gun. Suicide was supposedly painless. Juri would be broken if she died. Death really was the greatest equalizer.

_I'll live on even if you do die. I'll put Juri in her own personal hell._

"Don't do that!" Shiori screamed, clutching her head. "If you hurt her, I'll kill you!"

_What a fool. You don't even know what you're talking about._

"Stop it! She's _mine!_"

_Then do something._

"I can't!"

_Do something._

"No!"

_Do something._

"STOP IT!"

Nothing. Emptiness. Oblivion. Silence. Shiori remembered to breathe.

"I hate you," she whispered, weeping openly. "I hate you so much." She found the strength to stand, and gradually composed herself. No way Juri was going to want to be around her in this condition. She bathed again, using the showers, and got dressed in her most practical outfit. And, of course, she remembered to pluck a flower as a peace offering before leaving.

……

"There's no need to introduce yourselves," said the princess, tanned with orange hair, face like a lioness, tongue like a saber. "I already know who you are."

"And how would you know that?" wondered Kambei. Juri shifted in her seat, creating a subliminal shrug.

"Let's just say that I've been…familiarized with more than just my own world. Anyway, I'm sorry to be a bother. If it's not too much trouble, do you think I could stay with your group for awhile?" Kambei nodded once, stoic as ever.

"It's our duty to protect those who need it most."

"Besides, how can we ever refuse the company of a woman?" That was Shichiroji, sly yet caring, eyes glinting with a fraction of their true intent. Juri delivered a smile and seemed to relax.

"You have my gratitude." Gorobei spoke next, abandoning his showman's bravado.

"Just out of curiosity, what exactly are you running from? You don't have to tell us; I was just born nosy." The heavy silence in the air seemed to discomfort all but a few samurai.

"A friend."

_Liar._

_Am I?_

"Uh? Why would you… Never mind. Like I said, none of my business. I just thought… If you were in any danger…"

"I can handle myself, but I appreciate your chivalry. This is a problem swords cannot handle."

"Nonsense! All problems can be solved with a few good whacks!"

"Kikuchiyo, kindly do us all a favor and close your mouth."

"What was that!" Juri rolled her eyes, only slightly amused. Same old Nunky, always thinking with his fists. As usual, Heihachi tried calming the big guy down while the other samurai went about their business. Shichiroji and Katsushiro began to prepare a place for their guest, and Kyuzo, well…

Juri followed him. Naturally.

Kyuzo was a man of extremes. One moment he was a statue, oblivious to the world around him, and all civilization moved without his knowing. Then, he flinched, and creation trembled. Luckily, only the tree bore his wrath as it fell; the cut cleaved right through it, perfect and flawless. Juri waited until it crumbled and the world was silent before speaking.

"Mind if I watch?" Kyuzo was, as she knew, very curt, and she wouldn't have it any other way.

"No. Don't interrupt." She became as taciturn as he, and sat upon the stump which he created. Kyuzo exercised for some thirty minutes before retiring; Juri stopped him again with her words.

"If it's not too much trouble, I'd like to test my skills against yours. It's been ages since I've fought a superior foe."

"I accept," he said, hesitating to think it over. "Don't hold back. Meet me here in an hour." The man in red was gone, leaving Juri to shiver. He had learned to calm his inner storms and embrace the few weaknesses he had. True warriors, she knew, sought to hammer out their shortcomings—they eagerly looked around every corner for something that needed to be improved. All she could do was close off the world around her and run, or else mope, or else act like a martyr. Juri felt shame all of a sudden, because she could not be anywhere near their level.

The woman tasted blood. She had chewed her lip too tightly again.

She never learned why the seven samurai were staying there in that place, nor where they were headed or where they came from. They seemed to be lost in a moment, like her, each one trapped in a section of time, content to stay and seek out temporary adventure. Katsushiro was darling and honest, and reminded her heavily of Miki. Juri gravitated towards him after her chilling experience with Kyuzo, and he, combined with Heihachi's earthiness, brought her down to a more mellow level.

"My experiences here have told me that running is not always an evil solution," said the lad. "Sometimes, we need to escape our world and take things in from a new perspective. Looking at the world from a strange place can give us new clarity, but staying there doesn't help. Eventually, we must return and confront our fears, though the time apart from them gives us wisdom."

"I do think you should relax while you're here," Heihachi added. "Take a breather and do things your own way for awhile. Look at the sunrise without feeling the need to rush. Eat some lunch at a leisurely pace. Take a walk and don't make any destination. This place can be a baptismal for the mind."

"If it's rejuvenation of the soul you're looking for, I know just the place." Juri looked up and regarded Shichiroji with a nod; the blond leaned over and gave her his most flirtatious look. "Tell me, gorgeous, do you dance very well?"

"I suppose, but I won't be dancing here."

"Yeah, I know. This place is too informal for those kinds of dances. It's not even a great place for a real jig. It's too quiet and serene. All you want to do is meditate."

"Which I am through with," she said, rising to her feet. She turned and bade the three men farewell, sparing each a smile. "Thanks to you, I think I may be able to come to terms with some things. I may not be Snow White, and I may not be running from an evil queen, but there are still many problems I must face, and as a person and a woman, it falls upon my pride to confront them accordingly."

"You said it!" growled Kikuchiyo, barging in at his usual inopportune time. "And as we all know, the best way to meet a challenge is to run at it straight on, screaming at the top of your lungs! C'mon, Juri-dono, let's hear your battle-cry!"

"I'll pass," she murmured, smirking a little. "Right now, I have an appointment to keep. If you'll excuse me."

Juri had never fought a man wielding two swords before, let alone with the skill of Kyuzo. She insisted that they both use real blades in the fight—duels never did feel the same with bokken—and selected a clearing where they wouldn't be disturbed by obstacles. After bowing slightly, Juri raised her sword and lunged, wanting to show this man she meant business from the start. Kyuzo was dynamic, moving as quickly as a rubber ball, his reflexes on par with a housefly. His strength was only slightly greater than Juri's; it was his speed she needed to worry about. She actually had to fight just to keep herself from being injured.

The princess knew she had made a mistake when she felt pain. Her arm retracted just enough to avoid mutilation, but the scar remained as proof that he had drawn first blood. She allowed the stinging sensation to pass and went back on the offensive, trying to find a single opening, if any. Maybe if Kyuzo only used one sword, she could, but Juri didn't ask for any quarter. She hammered away, wanting to show him every skill she had. She had once defeated five people in a row, and yet now, she could barely hold her own. Juri at last got a hit in, but only because Kyuzo moved to strike her harder. She tried not to scream as she felt her skin being torn apart.

As the two continued their deadly dance, another figure appeared in the distance. None of the other samurai were so dishonorable as to disturb this meeting—rather, it was a person who was unaware of the fight, approaching Juri with (for the first time in ages) good intentions. She witnessed her friend's fight for many moments, and even as the young princess began to falter in the wake of this superior opponent, the lone spectator beamed, proud to see her friend so furious, so powerful, still as stubborn and unbreakable as ever. In a flash, though, it was over: Juri noticed her standing there, and froze.

Shiori.

"You're distracted!" Kyuzo shouted. He lashed out violently, ending the duel with amazing speed. He didn't cut Juri—rather, he knocked the wind out of her by smashing the butts of his swords into her solar plexus. Juri crumbled to the ground, defeated by mere chance (or by mere glance), unconscious and not breathing. Kyuzo had not made that last blow gentle; she was now in serious trouble. With all her might, Shiori screamed and ran to her side.

"Juri!" Kyuzo made no apology for his actions. Juri was a warrior; she knew what she was getting into when she started the duel. Even Shiori would know this, given time. He left them alone, but not without some meager parting words.

"If you attend to her, she'll pull through." Exactly what Shiori had in mind.

"Forgive me, Juri," she whispered, before placing her lips over the mouth of the princess. CPR was meant to save lives, but Shiori wondered if this humble act could also save souls. She didn't even know if she was stealing kisses from Juri or delivering salvation; all she knew was that this was her duty. With one final compression, Juri gasped her first breath of new air, and coughed mightily. The first thing she said, after catching her breath, was expected.

"I feel terrible." She then noticed Shiori, wicked queen and savior prince all in one, and realized what had happened.

In the aftermath of this event, no account could say what became of the seven who helped drag Juri's mind and spirit up from the muck, for there were no records of their presence, no indication that they had even been there. Juri might've even thought the whole thing was a dream, were it not for the scars on her body and the bittersweet taste of her companion permanently sealed on her mouth.

There was no happy ending for these two—there hardly ever is, even for the best pair—nor was there even an ending, for their lives had not concluded, and so, logically, neither should their tale. As a matter of fact, one might say that this is where it all began—but what do I know?

The End 

_Stay tuned for the next installment._

_I swear it'll be funny._


	4. Jack of All Trades

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

This time, it's hysterical.

Fore: Jack of All Trades

"If it cannot break out of its shell…"

"If I cannot break out of this mold, I will die before truly reaching my potential. Therefore, I find it necessary in the utmost to interject at this time!"

"Miss Nanami interrupts the flow of order with the same lethal precision she uses in daily life. She's like a carnivore!"

"Do you find my methods questionable, Miki? I merely wish to renovate my image. Is it so wrong for somebody who has been portrayed as evil to want to climb the ladder and find goodness?"

"No, but you know the old saying. Two wrongs do not make a right."

"We're going left," said Juri, leaving the elevator.

"So far, I haven't liked the arrangement at all," Nanami stated, folding a sheet of construction paper into origami. "Except for the first one, all I've been reduced to is cameos." Miki studiously focused on his own project, producing three origami giraffes one after the other.

"Be thankful for that at least. Some of us still haven't been given a good part."

"I'm not the kind to feel content with mediocrity!" Nanami yelled, crumbling her first origami creation into a ball. "You know that, Kaoru. I must become better than the best!"

"It's the ultimate goal of all humans to evolve beyond their current state," Juri noted, stacking her origami dolls atop each other. "Why else do you think we spent several million years reaching for this point? And who's to say we've finished? I can understand your desires, but…"

"But what, Juri?" She sighed, noticing how tall her tower was getting.

"Just don't set the bar so high that you can't reach over it." The tower crumbled, an origami menagerie scattering in the breeze.

………

Once upon a time in a faraway land, there lived a young boy named Mitsuru Tsuwabuki, but everyone called him Jack (for reasons too offensive to explain here). Jack was a boy with many talents: he could sit in corners sticking his thumb in pies; he could be nimble and he could be quick, demonstrating his ability to jump over a candlestick; he could even climb beanstalks with the best of them. However, whenever he went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, he only fell down to break his crown, and he could eat no fat.

Next door to this boy Jack lived a girl named Nanami Kiryuu, but everyone called her Jill (again, so offensive that I'll be deported for writing why). Jill was always treating Jack like a slave, but since Jack was devoted to the older girl, he gladly put himself as her servant and performed her every command with earnest compliance. One fine day, Jack and Jill went up the hill together; their families badly needed the water, for a drought had stricken the land.

"I'd be more than happy to carry both pails for you, Miss Nanami," Jack offered. The half-cow, half-peacock gave him her usual snobbish smile.

"That would be excellent. Whatever would I do without you, Mitsuru?"

"I'm sure you'd be a very capable person." Jill considered this for a moment.

"Hmm… Perhaps." As the two went up the hill, Jack couldn't help but notice how many candlesticks were in the way—something about leftovers from the Black Rose Saga. In any case, Jack's nimbleness and quick leaping got him over the flaming hurdles, whereas Jill was sadly forced to walk around them.

"Unbelievable," she muttered. "What in the _world_ are all these candlesticks doing here? Don't people know they could start a fire?"

"I think they're here to light the way," Jack suggested. "Remember, this hill is treacherous, especially when it's dark. Too many people have broken their crowns tumbling down it." Jill made a face and followed at her usual queenly pace. When they got to the top, Jack filled both their pails, and let Jill drink deep from the cool water. They turned around and went back the way they came, but suddenly—for the very first time ever—one of Jack's plans to save Jill went the wrong way. She fell, tumbling down the hill, screaming and cursing all the way. Jack feared that she too would break her crown, and so abandoned the pails of water and rushed to save her, making sure to jump over the candlesticks.

The result of this unfortunate accident was tragic: Jill had indeed broken her crown, and to make things seem worse, Jack escaped certain crown-breaking without so much as a scratch. As his beloved Jill laid comatose on a bed, Jack swore with a clenched fist to save her, taking whatever measures were necessary. Unfortunately, there was only one cure for a broken crown, and only one place to find it. Jack would need to yank out the plum of a Christmas pie with his thumb, plant the fruit, and climb the magic beanstalk that sprouted from it to face the giant who owned the medicine. He went right to work.

And so, little Jack Horner sat in the corner, eating the Christmas pie. He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum—"Oh how relieved am I!" he exclaimed. Wasting no time, he raced outside (again jumping over relentless candlesticks) and planted the plum in the garden. Jack stood back (hey, I rhymed!) and waited. And waited. And waited. Day slowly turned dark, and still the magic beanstalk had not yet sprouted. He wondered if he had done everything right, when suddenly, a gigantic vine shot out of the earth, making its way to the clouds in record time. Jack stood aghast at how rapidly the thing grew (and at such an opportune time!), but quickly girded himself for the journey skyward, and leaped upon it, shimmying by his hands and knees.

Like a slug struggling to evolve, sprouting bones and flesh and then angelic wings, so too was Jack, scaling the infinite height of the beanstalk in his noble quest. Pausing briefly to assess his progress, he noticed the small town where he lived was no longer visible, nor even very many of the surrounding neighborhoods. An hour passed before the borders separating the countries became indistinguishable. Another hour passed before the air started to thin, and the sheer distance from the ground began to affect him. Jack was not acrophobic, but anybody would tremble at this height, even if they were doing it for Jill.

The beanstalk wrapped itself around a large cloud and deposited the young hero into the fluffy new wilderness. Amazed that he could stand upon what should've been an enormous mass of fog and steam, Jack took a moment to study his surroundings. His examination proved disappointing: aside from the leaflets hanging over the clouds and an astonishingly large house, there was little to this Nimbus-land. His first steps were cautious, because nobody's quite sure if the cloud will really hold their weight. After getting adjusted to the soft ground, Jack approached the enormous building, and wondered if he should knock or just try to find a way inside.

"I must go on!" he exclaimed to himself. "I must find a way to cure Miss Nanami! Here goes nothing…" He braced himself for the worst and banged on the immense door. He didn't expect the portal to open so smoothly, or to be so quiet as it swung, making way for him. Jack wondered if a friendly giant roamed these parts—but was given the surprise of his young life as he beheld the guardian.

"Fee-fie-foe-CHU! Fee-fie-foe-CHU!"

"Holy gargantuan gorillas!" he roared, practically leaping out of his skin. "Chu-Chu is super-sized!"

"Fee-fie-foe-CHU! Fee-fie-foe-CHU!" Ultra Chu-Chu lumbered towards poor Jack, every step like an earthquake, every sound like the roar of an airplane. Suddenly, our hero realized just how near this behemoth was getting, and made a run for it.

"DON'T SQUISH ME!"

"Fee-fie-foe-CHU! Fee-fie-foe-CHU!"

"I DON'T WANNA DIE!"

"Fee-fie-foe-CHU! Fee-fie-foe-CHU!"

"WHY COULDN'T I HAVE BEEN PUT IN ANOTHER STORY! WHY DID I HAVE TO BE THE HERO OF THIS ONE?"

"Fee-fie-foe-CHU! Fee-fie-foe-CHU!"

"WHERE'S THE PLOT POLICE WHEN YOU NEED THEM! AAAAHHH!"

Meanwhile… 

"Keh-tchuu!"

"Again?" Juri murmured, noticing Miki's habitual sneezing. "That seems to happen a lot. Are you allergic to anything?"

"Just people breaking the fourth wall," he muttered, wiping his face with a tissue.

And now, we return to our hero! 

"I CAN'T RUN FROM THIS THING FOREVER! I HAVE TO GET MISS NANAMI'S MEDICINE!"

"Fee-fie-foe-CHU! Fee-fie-foe-CHU!"

"Wait a minute!" he proclaimed, skidding to a sudden halt. "I was in such a hurry to save my own life, I had forgotten about the medicine! Oh, I hope Miss Nanami can forgive me!" Suddenly, a black shadow covered Jack and most of the floor. The colossal Chu-Chu loomed over him, eyes shining with malice.

"CHU!" Jack wheeled around and glared at his foe.

"Enough of this! I didn't come all the way here just to be chased around by you! I came here to find a cure for Miss Nanami's broken crown, and I will not leave until I get it!" A pause. The monstrosity turned around and fumbled for something behind its back.

"CHU…" Jack was startled to find an immense bottle of medicine thrust before his face. He wondered if this was really what he was looking for, or if the giant creature was merely luring him in for a trap. He knew he couldn't hesitate, so with his usual nimbleness, he quickly grabbed the bottle, clutching it tightly.

"Thank you," he said, bowing. Giant Chu-Chu waved politely.

"CHU-CHU!" Then he came after Jack again, a malicious look in his eyes. Jack screamed and scrambled back to the safety of the beanstalk.

"OH CRAP, NOT AGAIN! WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP GETTING CHASED BY SOME HUGE THING!" He froze suddenly as he felt the clouds beneath him give way. Apparently, the additional weight of the medicine bottle had disrupted the balance of the otherwise-illogical platform, thus causing him to…well, sink. Enormous Chu-Chu walked over to where Jack fell and peered down, finding it amusing to see him scream all the way towards the surface and land, quite beautifully, in a puff of smoke, ala Wile E. Coyote.

And so… 

"That was awfully nice of you, Mitsuru!" Jill gushed, clasping her hands together in thanks. "Because of your bravery and quick-thinking, I was able to repair my crown and get back on my feet again. I can already feel the redemption flowing!"

"Mmt's mmd," muttered poor Jack, covered head to toe in bandages. Needless to say, that fall from the sky hadn't been kind to him. He was reduced to being Jill's patient now, and Jill wanted to make sure that her hero got the best of care.

"Now Mitsuru," she said, pointing at him, "I want you to know that as soon as you get out of that bed, you're going to have to make up for lost time. I know you're worried about me, but you need to rest. I'll just have to tough it out until then."

"Mmkay, Mff Mnamni. Uhh mmk mrr muh met muttr."

"Goodness," she mused to herself, "this will be a great chance for me to really shine! Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Lady Nanami Kiryuu, out to face the whole world by herself! Crowds love an independent woman!" She smiled gaily; Jack tried hard to mirror her mirth. As long as she was happy, then he was too. A knock came at the door just then, and Nanami went to answer it. She growled for a moment as she saw it was Anthy on the other end.

"Oh. It's _you._ Mitsuru, your nurse is here!"

"Mmkay!"

"And you!" she blurted, stabbing poor Anthy with her finger. "You mistreat him in any way and you'll have me to answer to!"

"Oh…" Anthy watched cluelessly as Nanami stormed off, but returned to her usual lovably naïve self once she was alone. "And how are you doing today, Mitsuru?"

"Mmkay, Mff Umffy."

"Very good! I brought along a little friend to cheer you up!" Jack briefly wondered who this little friend was—and then got his answer as he saw Chu-Chu popping out, squealing in greetings. He could be forgiven for screaming.

The End 

_Stay tuned for the next installment._

_Ladies drink free._


	5. It's a Wonderful Christmas Carol

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

Because the real thing wasn't strange enough.

High Five: It's a Wonderful Christmas Carol

"How repulsive everything is," Saionji growled, squeezing his fist in anger. "First I fail to rescue my Anthy from the clutches of that castle, then my foolishness accumulates before I can even notice she's standing right there. On top of all that, there's the whole business with Akio and that accursed cottage, not to mention I haven't been given one heroic role since this idiotic saga began. Perhaps it is karma, or perhaps it is God, smiling maliciously as He doles out pleasure and pain to whomever He wishes. But am I one to be controlled by some fickle deity, or do I have the control? O fate, O circumstance, you mock this Saionji."

He drew in a deep breath. The air was frosty and bitter, so fresh and crisp that it was painful just to inhale. He shivered and clenched his teeth, refusing to be beaten, even by this weather. Nanami could prance around with her delusions and plots all she wanted, but there was only so much a person could take, and Kyoichi Saionji had had enough.

"Sometimes," he muttered, smiling sadly, "I wonder if God has made a mistake, and if my birth was His most divine error. Heh…the perfect deity's failures exposed in one single man. Bah, humbug! What am I saying? If I was made by divine hands, then I have divinity in myself! And if not, it gives me unlimited freedom to do as I see fit, to commit myself to better goals and to rise above this damning position. Heh…still, I wonder. What could life have been like had I not been born? Would the world even notice? It's a question we all wonder sometimes."

Saionji walked away, feet crunching in the snow, skin tingling as a cold wind passed him by. The world would soon know what it was like to have him absent, for upon that night, Saionji would have his wish granted—three times. Oooh, spooky!

……

Night offered the solace of darkness and fire, the indifferent warmth of bedsheets, and the subtle tick-tick of a clock, reminding Kyoichi Saionji of the moments passing him. Yet this quiet introspective was not a waste of that time, but an investment: he needed moments like this where he could just sit there and think, before sleep and the next day's problems took over. Insomnia did seem easier to conquer whenever he flushed his mind, and soon after coming to several dead ends and conclusions, he found himself tired, willingly burying himself under the covers, waiting for darkness and half-death to take over.

_Scrooge… Scrooge…_

Saionji blinked, forcing his eyes to open again. What was that? He sat up and looked around, perturbed. The fire had gone out; maybe that was it. The wind was strong that evening. He shrugged and laid down again, calming his unsteady heart.

_Scrooge… Scrooge!_

"You're in the wrong story!" he screamed, bolting up again. Before his very eyes appeared a ghost, swathed in chains, disfigured and miserable. He did not recognize it; this specter was new to him.

"_Ebenezer Scrooge…"_

"I told you you're in the wrong place!" enunciated Saionji, glaring at the spirit. The ghost grumbled and bowed, apologetic.

"_Sorry about that, kid. Can you direct me to the right place? I need to visit Ebenezer Scrooge."_

"I figured," he muttered. Saionji gave him the proper directions and saw him off, but before it could leave, the ghost turned around and glared at him.

"_Saionji… Tonight, you will be visited by three spirits!"_

"Um, you're only holding up two fingers."

"_That's all I have!_" the ghost wailed.

"What about the other hand?" It held its other hand up, revealing only two fingers.

"_That's it for this hand as well!"_

"Then hold one finger up on one hand, and two fingers on the other."

"_Like this?"_ it said, doing just that. Saionji smiled brightly.

"Yeah, you got it!"

"_Right. Scrooge—I mean, Saionji…tonight, you will be visited by three spirits!"_

"Why's that?" The pause this time was so pregnant, it nearly gave labor (ducks thrown objects).

"_Um… I…don't know!"_ the ghost wailed. "_Farewell, Saionji! Farewell…_" And with that, one of the most normal things that ever happened in the Utena-verse came to pass. Saionji shrugged and went to sleep, skulking the whole way.

"Miserable spirits," he grumbled. "It never fails. I barely shut my eyes and a ghost comes to wake me up. What do they think this is, Dickens?" Murphy's Law dictates that yet another spirit visited our hero before the night was over, but this one was part of a running gag trifecta, each causing more humorous psychological damage than the last. The ghost, dressed in a leather jacket and jeans, ran up and kicked Saionji until he woke up. Needless to say, this otherworldly herald was not welcomed very politely.

"STOP KICKING ME YOU HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE THING!"

"Eeeeeeeyyy, relax baby! The Touga is here to grant you a wish, man. So just chill out for awhile!" Saionji turned pale. Never in a hundred years would he ever…

"_Touga?_ Why are you dressed like the Fonz?"

"Eeeeeeeyyy, the Touga is, like, the ghost of Retro Christmas, man! He's here to, like, show you what life might've been like if you, like, hadn't been a cool cat, man!"

"I'm going to be sick," groaned poor Saionji, clutching his forehead. "Really, I'll puke any time. You better get me a bucket right now if you don't want a mess."

"Chill, brother!" Touga exclaimed, snapping his fingers. "The Touga will make everything clear as ice, and just as frosty! Eeeeyy!"

"Why does that suddenly not fill me with comfort?" It was too late to complain; the scene had already changed, shifting into the deep past, where Saionji was given a rare glimpse of things that had already gone. He first saw a family sitting around watching television, but didn't know what this had to do with him. "Spirit," he asked, "would you mind telling me why this has anything to do with my past?"

"Not your past, man, but everyone's! If you had never been born, 'Gilligan's Island' would still be on the air!"

"You liar!"

"Eeeeeyyy, the Touga never lies, unless it's next to a foxy lady!" Saionji grimaced, not very convinced yet.

"Show me more."

"With pleasure, man." The scene then shifted to a familiar-looking dojo, where a younger version of Touga was sparring with a younger version of…

"What? That's Miki!"

"Eeeeeyyy, the Sai-man has 20-20! That's right, man—if you had never been born, I would've—I mean, Touga would've had Miki as a sparring partner. The Mikster and I—I mean, _he_—would've grown up to be like really close buds, ya dig? I wouldn't—um, I mean, the Touga wouldn't turn into such a heartless guy, and Miki would have Anthy!"

"You're kidding!" Saionji growled. The spirit shook his greased head.

"The Touga is never a kidder, man. He tells all and sees all."

"I've seen enough, my friend. Touga, I want to live! I want the chance to have Anthy again!"

"Whoa, man, time out! You still have two more spirits to burn through, brother!"

"Forget about that, I've changed!"

"Sorry man, the Touga don't work that way. Stay cool, man! I gotta split. Eeeeyyy!" Touga jumped on a motorcycle and vanished in a puff of smog, leaving Saionji to cough violently. When the black fog cleared, yet another ghostly apparition stood before him, dressed in a very familiar-looking red dress. He rubbed his eyes and gawked—it was his beloved, the Rose Bride!

"Anthy?"

"Yes—um, I mean, no, sorry. I'm the goddess of gifts."

"The what now?"

"(No! That's wrong!)" hissed Utena, stage-whispering from the side. "(You're supposed to be the ghost of the present!)"

"But that's what I said, Miss Utena. I'm the goddess of presents, of gifts."

"(Anthy, you… Oh, I give up. Seventeen hours of rehearsal and she still gets it wrong!)"

"Miss Utena, you seem distracted by something. Shall I give you a gift?"

"(That's not really necessary, Anth—)" Utena stopped suddenly as Anthy jumped back, tackled her, and…

_SPLOOSH!_

"My nose!" cried Saionji, covering it up. Anthy strolled back to his side, smiling calmly, hair slightly disheveled.

"My, that was fun. Well, shall we continue?" Somehow, Saionji was able to answer a weak _yes_ as he clogged his bleeding nose with tissue.

The ghost of Christmas presents led Saionji to a classroom where several blackboards rotated around slowly, counterclockwise in motion. He then noticed the students filling the classroom, including one Utena Tenjou, and that girl who had taken him in when he had nowhere else to go—what was her name again? Onion something? Oh well, it didn't matter; he could see them talking, but they had no idea he was there.

"Listen," he told the ghost, "I know that we're in Japan, but I'm not a voyeur. If you don't mind, take me to see something relevant—you know, something that makes me want to stop all suicidal tendencies and/or reform my ways and observe religious holidays properly."

"Oh, this is relevant, all right," Anthy said. "This is the world where you don't exist. In this world, Miss Utena has no clear foe, and Miss Wakaba has no clear lover. Without you to distort the balance, observe what happens to them." Saionji's nose started to bleed suddenly as he observed a short-haired Utena putting the moves on an innocent little Wakaba. Things progressed into a scene where they danced underneath stars and over a field of infinite roses, and then to a room where they drew each other in the nude…

"I can't take this anymore!" he screamed, trying desperately to plug his bleeding nose. "My lesbian senses are out of control! Spirit, remove me from this place!"

"All right," Anthy relented, "but you won't like where we're going next." She took him to a bath house, where Kozue and Miki were engaged in…well, let's just say that they were engaged in something. For some odd reason, they were getting along perfectly, without any of the usual sandpapery friction between them.

"Um…Anthy, I thought I made it clear that I wasn't a Peeping Tom."

"Yes, you did. This is how the Kaoru twins are affected by your absence."

"You mean…they're normal?"

"If you consider bathing together normal, then yes." Saionji sneered.

"I can't bear to look any more. What about Touga?"

"Oh, he's alive and well. He and Shiori get married."

"What about Juri?"

"She becomes like a big sister to Nanami. And Nanami never turns into a cow."

"This is a horrible place!" he cried. "Spirit, let me live, I beg of you! I can't stand to see everything looking so…so…so _realistic!_"

"Patience, classmate," giggled the ghost. "We have but one more place to see." The ghost of Christmas presents took Saionji high over Ohtori Academy, up to the top of a roof where he could see for miles in every direction.

"What are we doing here?" he wondered. Anthy gave him a pleasant look.

"If you had never been born, this would all belong to Touga. He would've been elected headmaster of the school, and eventually, prime minister of the entire country!" Saionji crumbled, amazed at everything he had seen—amazed at how much influence he alone exercised in the world.

"Anthy," he murmured, "please, let me live. I want to make everyone's lives a living, screwed-up Hell!"

"I'm sorry, Kyoichi," she murmured, "but you have one last vision to see before this trial is over. Farewell." Anthy's image gradually faded into the wind, leaving Saionji to call out to her.

"Wait! Come back!" But the spirit did not answer him, and so Saionji was alone. Before he had much time to think about what he had experienced, a great flash of light exploded, brightening the entire area for an instant before it faded. From the void created by this temporary chaos came a steel-colored sports car, rumbling powerfully, fumes coiling off like smoke from a dragon. Saionji recognized the car as a DeLorean; he was proven right when the car doors opened vertically, spewing out a familiar face.

"Miki?" It was indeed the blue-haired genius, but his prized mane was frizzled, and he wore a white lab coat. The wild look in his eyes disturbed the puzzled older man.

"Saionji! You've got to come back with me!" he exclaimed.

"Back where?"

"Back to the Christmas future!"

"Oh? Are you the ghost of things yet to come?"

"Precisely! I've been given a decree to show you what life will be like if you continue to live in a state of inexistence! Quickly, now! We don't have much time to spare." Saionji thought it best to get this whole ordeal over with, and so leaped into the passenger side of the DeLorean, feeling awkward as any of us would. Miki plopped onto the driver's seat, punched a few buttons on the dashboard, and revved the car up. Saionji noticed, with some worry, that they were still on the rooftop Anthy had left him on.

"Um, Miki? You do realize that there isn't a road in front of us."

"Roads?" said Miki boldly. "Where we're going, we don't need _roads_." As the DeLorean accelerated, the machine hopped up into the air, propelled by futuristic hovering devices. With this new limitless space to soar on, Saionji and Miki raced through the stratosphere, until they were engulfed in lights, flames, and smoke.

With a climactic flash, the DeLorean burst through the time-space continuum, ending up in the not-too-distant future, which for all purposes looked almost exactly the same as the present. Slowly, the DeLorean descended again, expelling smoke and debris underneath it. When it opened, Saionji burst out, gasping and wheezing dramatically.

"LAND!" he cried. Who knew Saionji hated flying so much.

"We've arrived," said Miki, as if it weren't obvious already. "We need to be hasty about it. The thing about the future is that it can become the present very quickly. Come with me." Saionji scrambled to his feet and followed the younger man, until they ended up standing before a hospital. This being one of the least abnormal sights in his outrageous tour, he felt sure that he would not see anything disturbing. You and I know better.

It didn't come as a complete surprise to find Miki leading him to the maternity ward. There, he discovered (to his great shock and amusement) that Utena was now the proud mother of triplets.

"Uhh…do I even want to know about this?"

"Probably not," Miki muttered. "It's not good to know too much about one's future, even if they're not in it. Let's just say that this involves some farming equipment and a lot of salad dressing." Saionji made a face and continued tailing Miki through their journey. They paused to observe Mitsuru pushing Nanami around on a wheelchair (she broke her crown again), thus opening the stage for the entr'acte.

_Do you know? Do you know? Have you heard the news?_

_Know what I heard? I heard that there was once a man with two sets of eyes!_

_Oh my, how grotesque!_

_He had one set in the front like a normal man, but the other set was in the back of his head!_

_Must've come in handy for looking behind him. Aha! Thought you could stab me in the back, eh? I've got you now!_

_But alas, the man could never appreciate what was in front of him, for he was always using the eyes in the back of his head, always looking back. The more he reflected on it, the more useless the eyes in the front became._

_Oh, what became of this man with two sets of eyes?_

_His hair kept growing in the back, and no barber would ever repair it!_

_What would you do if you had two sets of eyes?_

_Me, why I'd…_

_You'd…what?_

_I'd always stare at the boy who sits behind me!_

Typical, typical… 

"Did you hear something?" Miki asked. Saionji shook his head.

"No. Shall we continue?"

Miki led Saionji outside to a graveyard, the final stop in their destination. After looking at his stopwatch and screaming "Great Scott!", Miki dragged the older man by the arm, running hastily as their time together dwindled. The spirit of Back to the Christmas Future led him up the hill and indicated a humble, lonely little tombstone, decorated only by moss and decay. Saionji knelt before it and peered at the worn-out epitaph.

Here lies Akio Ohtori – "Now he knows eternity" 

"Amazing," he muttered. "So if I never exist, Anthy's creepy older brother dies?"

"Yes, but—"

"Then what are we waiting for?" Saionji exclaimed, raising his arms to the sky. "If I can bump off that bizarre man, then all the horrors I've faced up until now will have been worth it! So long, Miki! See you in the next story!" Before Miki could call out to him, a herd of elephants emerged out of nowhere and trampled Saionji to death. Needless to say, this took the young genius aback.

"Huh. I didn't expect that. Oh well." Miki returned to his DeLorean and set off for the present era, vanishing in a powerful display of pyrotechnics and lights. He had a bake sale to attend to.

The End 

_Stay tuned for the next installment._

It'll shiver your timbers! 


	6. Revolutionary Space Conflict

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

When lawsuits attack.

_A far time ago in a galaxy long, long away…_

**REVOLUTIONARY SPACE CONFLICT**

It is a crazy time for the rebellion. Rebel forces, rebelling against the conformist EMPIRE, have rebelled in such a way that makes them look like rebels. In a rebellious move, they have intercepted…_something_ from the EVIL EMPIRE and are rebelliously making their way to a save haven, to deliver the information to the sexy independent rebellious tomboy daughter of the king, Princess Kozue. However, evil agents from the EMPIRE are pursuing the rebels closely, and if we're extra lucky, we'll watch the rebels and the wicked EMPIRE battle each other in a titanic struggle to the death!

With precious cargo lumbering deep inside its bowels (yeah, not even a paragraph yet and we already have a toilet joke), the _Tentative_ made its way across the darkness of the universe, fleeing with everything it could muster (mmm, mustard). Not far behind was a gigantic vessel shaped oddly like a cheese wedge, launching bolts of power at the scurrying smaller vessel like it was a god chasing a squirrel. The escape was hopeless: the Cheese Ship was much larger and faster, and being shot at didn't exactly help the miniscule _Tentative_. A particularly strong blast sent the ship into convulsions, dislodging any interior thing not bolted down—including a prissy young woman and her sassy sidekick.

"Goodness," said Anthy, picking herself up. The way the ship was shaking, it seemed like the pursuing god had played enough, and was now throttling them with his own hands. "That blast seems to have shut down the main reactor. We'll be destroyed for sure!"

"I've lost track of how many times you've said that," sneered Kanae, her cohort and would-be sister-in-law. As they scrambled to find a safe hiding spot, the aforementioned rebels prepared for their enemies to board the vessel. This was only inevitable: the large Cheese Ship would be upon them any minute now.

"We're doomed," Anthy lamented. "There will be no escape for the princess this time."

"Once again, something I have heard many times before. Don't you ever tire of being wrong?" Mute silence kept them from saying any more—that and the telltale signs of defeat. The Cheese Ship was drawing the _Tentative_ into its belly, and in no time the troops of the EVIL EMPIRE (okay, I won't cap it any more) would swarm in. The rebellious rebels could only hope to hold them off, futile though their efforts were. The door separating the two parties was quickly disposed of with a torch and some dynamite; the following firefight was spectacular, with lots of people dying and falling over (see, told ya!).

And just when it couldn't get any worse, Touga Kiryuu stepped through the opened door, breathing through a scuba mask. He examined the results of the battle for a careless moment before moving on.

In the confusion, the women were split up; Anthy soon found herself lost, calling out for Kanae in all the madness. Meanwhile, Kanae had stowed herself away in a small chamber, where she was paying careful audience to the ship's most valued passenger, Princess Kozue. The two spoke in hushed whispers for fear their privacy would be disturbed; Anthy stumbled across them by mistake. The princess and Kanae separated after a gesture of confirmation, with the elder approaching her counterpart solemnly.

"Where have you been?" Anthy asked her. "They'll find us if we stay around any longer."

"That's why we must leave. I have plans, a secret mission the princess has asked me to undertake."

"Secret mission? What plans? I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Do you want me to explain it here, or somewhere safe? Let's go."

"But where?"

"The escape pod, of course. Nobody would ever look for us in there."

"And you say I have the faulty logic." The ship bucked in a violent explosion, forcing Anthy to choose the lesser of two evils. With a mutter of "I'm going to regret this", she ducked inside the pod and launched it, hanging on for the ride as she and Kanae were sent hurtling into space. The _Tentative_ and the Cheese Ship—along with Princess Kozue—were soon lost in the everlasting depth of space…

Meanwhile, Touga was doing something cool! Having successfully taken over the ship, he was now showing its commanding officer just how generous he could be: he was giving the man five seconds to live instead of killing him outright.

"Sir," said Random Imperial 47, "the plans for the Bowling Ball of Death are not here."

"Oh. Really." He turned to smile at the man he had captured. "Did you hear that? The plans aren't here. So what have you done with them?"

"I…don't know what you're talking about! This is a councilor ship! We're on a diplomatic mission!"

"Is that a fact? Could I speak to the councilor, then?" He suddenly crushed the man's throat, killing him instantly. With a sigh of lament, he added, "Oh well, the five seconds were up. Too bad. Commander, kindly dismantle this ship until you've found those plans. And bring me the passengers if it's no bother."

"Sir!"

_Five seconds later…_

"Master Touga! We found a prisoner!"

"That was quick," he muttered. The Imperials smiled.

"Yes, it was easy. She was hiding in the most obvious place, and she only killed one of us before she ran away very slowly." Kozue glared and ripped off the officer's kneecaps with her bare hands. Touga actually looked amused as the poor man wailed.

"I should've known you'd be behind all this, Kiryuu," she muttered. "When the Senate hears that you've attacked me, they won't sit still for it."

"Don't act so shocked, your highness. We've received words that the stolen plans for the Bowling Ball of Doom (henceforth known as BBD) have been transmitted to this ship. Do be a lady and tell us where they are."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I think you do…or you will, soon enough," he added, smiling cruelly. Kozue lunged at him, but was dragged away before he could even get a scratch. Sure it was dangerous to keep her prisoner, but he had traced all the rebel spies to her, daughter of the kingly senator, and now she was his only link in finding the rebel base.

"Officer." The nearest man in uniform snapped a salute.

"Yes!"

Send a distress signal, and inform the senate that all aboard were killed."

"Sir!"

"And send a detachment crew down to retrieve that escape pod. There will be no one to stop our revolution this time!"

………

"How did we get HERE?!" Kanae wondered aloud. The duo was stranded on a long stretch of sand, and might've believed they were in the desert if not for the ocean to their left. Anthy, while trying to make the best of their situation, had to wonder why her would-be sister was complaining so. After all, hadn't it been her idea to come here in the first place?

"Kanae, I believe it was your idea—"

"I know, I know! I _can_ read, you know. Look at it this way: would you rather be here on this sweltering beach, or back on the ship being pushed around by Dork Vapor?"

"Neither choice presents a very pleasant result. I suppose being here would only prolong our deaths. At least on the ship, we'd be dead instantly."

"I'm not hearing this," moaned the older woman. "I'm simply not hearing this. Could this possibly be any worse? Trapped on an empty beach with my strange sister-in-law, charged on a mission to find a weird old hermit I know nothing about, forced to endure this heat and the humidity…"

"You must not say things like that. Otherwise things _will_ become worse." Kanae turned around to scowl at Anthy, but as she did, a strange object in the distance caught her eye. Now feeling a surge of hope, she raced towards it.

"That better not be another mirage of me throttling you! Otherwise I'll start spewing fire, mold this sand into glass, break it against these rocks, and shove the shards in my face!"

"I see your demeanor has improved," Anthy noted. The scary thing was that she wasn't being sarcastic. After a bit of slogging through the sand, the duo came to what appeared to be a homestead near the beach. Feeling renewed at this sight, the girls clutched hands and raced for it, not even caring what sort of place this was or who lived there.

Miki Kaoru, the lone resident of the homestead, welcomed both girls with open arms—very, _very_ open arms (neither were interested, sadly). He let them eat and drink until they had regained their strength, then demanded their story.

"Usually in fairy tales, the hero finds the girl washed up on the beach, but this time, the girls came from the beach and into my own home."

"It's that kind of world," Kanae told him. She and Anthy explained how they were part of the Rebelling Rebels of Rebellious Nature group and how they came to be at his front door, but Kanae would not reveal just which circumstances led to their initial escape. Miki pondered this turn of events for awhile, then pondered Anthy for a much longer time.

"What do you think?" she asked him, making him turn red as their eyes met.

"Uhh…about what?"

"What our purpose here is?"

"Oh, that? I really can't say for sure. It seems Miss Kanae would know, but she isn't telling. I guess everyone has their secrets."

"(Cough) Help me, Akiobi-wan, you're my only hope…(cough!)"

Pause. Blink, blink. _Stare!_

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, nothing," she tittered. She lifted a tray with snacks and offered, "Valium cakes? Don't let the name fool you; these babies will keep you up for hours!!"

_Ten seconds later…_

"I can't believe they fell for that!" Kanae snickered as she tip-toed out of the homestead. "As soon as they finished my Valium cakes, I hit them over the head with a comically-oversized mallet and knocked them unconscious! Now I have all the time in the world to find the strange old hermit mentioned to me by Princess Kozue in the first scene, Akiobi-wan Kenobi!"

**THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PLOT POLICE**

**SPOLING STORIES SINCE CHAPTER ONE**

"But where would I find such a man?" she wondered to herself. "And why am I asking the readers? I should really get going; those Valium cakes will soon kick in, and when they wake up, those two'll be more hyper than Wakaba on a Red Bull binge!" Well, there goes the timelessness of this "classic". No sooner had Kanae made it out of Miki's beachfront property and into the unknown did Miki and Anthy wake up—conveniently in each other's arms, where Kanae placed them so that when they arose, they'd be caught in a compromising situation. Too bad she wasn't around to see the look on their faces.

……

After "rearranging" themselves and realizing Kanae had pulled one over on them, Miki and Anthy began to search for the missing woman. They found her hitchhiking on the main road, and rather unsuccessfully at that.

"Kanae! What are you doing here? Why did you attack us?"

"Isn't it obvious?" she retorted bitterly. "I didn't want you following me and I didn't want to be anywhere near my bizarre sister-in-law! Besides, I thought you two wanted to be alone."

"That's not the point!" exclaimed a blushing Miki. "Now come back before something bad happens to you. Just what are you doing out here, anyway?"

"I'm looking for Akiobi-wan Kenobi, of course. He's the one the Princess asked me to find!"

"What princess? And what makes you think he'll be here? This doesn't make any sense."

"Welcome to the Utena-world," Kanae muttered. Suddenly, Jawas came from out of nowhere and attacked them!! Oh no! Luckily, the heroic Akiobi-wan sprang out from his hiding place and rescued them just in time, wielding what looked remarkably like a glowing Sword of Dios.

"Brother!" Anthy exclaimed. "I mean, Master Akiobi-wan! You saved us!"

"Naturally," he replied with a wave of his hand. Kanae developed big stars in her eyes.

"My fiancé is so incredible! Too bad he's related to Anthy…"

"Why does everyone hate you?" Miki wondered, mostly to himself. Anthy just smiled blithely.

"It's all right; I still have you and Miss Utena."

"And me," Akiobi-wan replied (or just Akio; I'm too lazy to type all of that out). Looking at his surroundings, he muttered to the group, "We'd better leave shortly. The Jawas are easily startled, but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers."

"Ugh, the thought makes my hair color turn normal," Miki mumbled.

……

_Meanwhile, aboard the Bowling Ball of Death…_

Sitting around a circular table were six Imperial Thugs, each one numbered according to how plausible their appearance here was. Also pacing around was Touga, smirking as usual, perhaps at these so-called foolish stooges.

"The BBD is almost complete," said Imperial Thug 4. "All we need to do is test its main weapon on a helpless planet."

"What genius!" exclaimed Thug Five. "There's no better way for us to prove to everyone how we're a bunch of big boys by blowing up a defenseless world. Think of the respect we'll garner!"

"We have to be careful about the princess though," muttered Thug Six. "She isn't going to reveal the location of her rebellious rebel friends easily. And there's also the matter of the Senate. If they find out about her—"

"You needn't worry about that, Six," Touga said calmly. "The Emperor, who we will never see except in the later episodes—or the earlier ones, if that makes any sense—has just dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away."

"So let me get this straight, Duck Vader," said Juri, coming out suddenly from one of the side doors. "If this unseen Emperor has truly dissolved the council, does this mean he's really End of the World?"

"Go back to your own story, Juri. You don't appear in this one."

"How annoying. I'm merely asking questions. You could divulge me at least." She parted, but perhaps not for good.

"Anyway," Touga said, wiping his hair away, "I have an idea. Perhaps her royal highness might be persuaded with an alternative. A woman can be strong when she is attacked, but will fall to pieces if a loved one is threatened. Set the next target for her home planet!"

"You mean Earth?" Touga grumbled angrily.

"Just aim at some random dustball. She won't know the difference."

……

"So that's it," Akio surmised, once his fiancée told him everything. Miki and Anthy were a little surprised, but now they had heard the whole story, they could forgive Kanae for the whole bonk-and-leave incident. "Princess Kozue needs me to transfer the information she gave you to her home world. It won't be easy by myself; I'll need a handsome, strapping, untested young hero-to-be to come with me."

"But where would we find such a man?" Miki wondered. He soon noticed all eyes in the room were upon him, and sighed. "Fine, I'll do it. But I get really uncomfortable when you talk like that." Akio gave Miki a mysterious smile; Anthy, as always, looked airheaded.

"So, honey, where do we go now? It's not like we can walk to her world."

"That's true, Kanae. We must go to Most Likely Spaceport and hire a pilot."

"Most Likely Space Port?!" Miki blurted. "But that's a wretched hive of scum and villainy!"

"I'm sure we're all aware of its scummy villainous population," Akio muttered. "But most of the best pilots can be found there. We'd better hurry."

"Why? If movies and games have taught us anything, the bad guys won't use their all-powerful engines of death until it's nearly too late."

"True, but we want to get there before all the good pilots are taken."

"Oh."

_And so…_

"You know, we're really running through this quickly," Kanae noted. "It wasn't just a little while ago that Anthy and I were wandering on the beach, and now we're making our way through this scummy hive of villains with our respective love interests. Before you know it, Miki will be flying into the BBD, running around with a Muppet on his shoulders, and making out with his sister!"

"That's enough out of you, Kanae dear," Akio murmured. "We can't invoke the Plot Police any more than we already have."

"Yes, but everybody sees it coming! Why obscure the truth?"

"We're here," Anthy said. Miki nobly helped her out of the carriage; Kanae had to vault herself over. "Here" turned out to be a rather lively, albeit dinghy dive, with great music but less than desirable clientele. When the foursome entered, they only found an array of whistling men, leering at their lady-friends as if they had never seen a woman in their lives. Miki acted as their guard, though his visage was hardly the type to back away from (poor guy). Akio looked around for a good contact, and found of all things, a miniscule creature with enormous ears, one who could only utter a single sound.

"Brother," Anthy said as she approached him, "have you found anyone yet? You've been talking to that little one for some time now."

"It's because this little one is first mate on a ship that might suit us. Meet Chu-Chewbacca." Anthy smiled cutely and offered her finger, and even Miki greeted it warmly. Kanae, needless to say, would rather have Akio's finger than—erm, never mind. With a contact found, Chu-Chewbacca led them to his master—or rather his mistress, a spoiled little princess hiding in the corner, gleefully awaiting her long-overdue moment in the sun.

"I am Nanami Kiryuu!" she exclaimed mightily, "and I am captain of the _Y2 Kondor_! Chu-Chewbacca has already told me about your mission, even though you've just met him. I have to warn you, this job will cost an insubordinate amount of cash. If you have the goods, then there won't be a problem." She laughed again; Akio remained cool as ever.

"How much are we talking about?" Miki asked.

"Ten-thousand."

"Yen?"

"No, Republic credits! Republic credits will do fine." Kanae grumbled miserably.

"With that kind of money, we could buy our own ship."

"Perhaps, but who would fly it? At least with my level of skills?"

"You raise a good point," Akio told her. "Let me be frank with you. We don't have that much money, but we're willing to give you everything we have up front. Once we reach our destination, you can have double for whatever you're asking. Does that sound agreeable?"

"D…d…double?" Nanami's eyebrow twitched, her whole face developing a greedy tic. "W-well! It seems you've found yourself a ship! Let's meet up at Docking Bay 94; I have some business to take care of first." The agreement was sealed by a handshake and the group split apart. Nanami balked at Chu-Chewbacca once she was alone.

"Did you hear that? _Double_—plus whatever they have on them! I'm not expecting too much there, but twenty-thousand credits will certainly buy me a lot. Let's get back to the ship before anyone hears how great a deal I've been given." Nanami quietly shifted out of her chair and made her way to the docking area, but was stopped suddenly by three familiar faces.

"Hello…!" Suzkui…

"Hello…!!" Yamada…

"Hello…!!!" Tanaka…

"HELLO, NANAMI. GOING SOMEWHERE?"

"Yes," she muttered, glaring at the trio angrily. "I'm going to a funeral."

"A funeral?"

"Has someone died?"

"Which funeral is it?"

"Yours," she said, blasting them all with a single gesture. And yes, dear fans, she did shoot first.

This was not an isolated incident: soon the Empire's evil army of Miscellaneous troopers were upon them, and they weren't crowding for an autograph! With no time for pleasantries, Nanami and her burgeoning crew blasted out of the docking bay and into space, narrowly avoiding just one of many potential brushes with death. Their next stop—Princess Kozue's world, which was strangely the destination of a more sinister force. Bum-bum-bumm!!!

……

"Lord Touga! We've discovered a random dustball in which to blow up!"

"Good," he purred. Staring at the world, nestled deep inside that Bowling Ball, made him quiver with power—that and the massage chair, of course. "Now we must bring the princess here and show her what happens to people who stand in our way. Summon the princess!"

"Yes sir!" Touga's smile tightened as he let his gaze linger. Sure, they might be blowing up insignificant clods of dirt now, but someday soon, large worlds would tremble in the wake of their power. Maybe even worlds with people! Sounds of a great struggle pierced Touga's meditation, and he turned around to see Kozue at the door, agitated and breathing hard, the stench of a battle on her.

"You summoned me?" she growled. Touga groaned.

"You didn't kill _all_ of them during your walk here, did you?"

"I can't be sure. Does it count if only half his bodily organs were ripped out?"

"No," he stated sharply.

"Oh. Then I suppose I did." He just clicked his tongue and indicated for Kozue to join him. "Look through that observation window carefully, your highness. Perhaps you will see something familiar." She did as asked, and noticed a planet staring back at them. If she squinted just hard enough…

"That's my home world!"

"Correct," he lied. It really wasn't, but he wasn't about to say that. "And do you realize the capabilities of this battle station?"

"I… No, I don't."

His smile became venomous now. "I suppose you wouldn't if you didn't know anything about those plans. Or you would if you did. Either way, this will come as a terribly rude awakening for you, your highness. Naturally, this can all be avoided if you give me the location of—"

"Yeah, that's not going to happen," she murmured. "Go ahead and blow it up. See what I care." Touga raised an eyebrow, expressing rare surprise. He didn't see this one coming.

"Are…are you sure?"

"Completely positive. Why, do you think I'm bluffing?"

"No…" He sighed to himself, and signaled for his Thugs to activate the station's main weapon. After a lot of cool montages depicting people pushing buttons and pulling levers played, the Bowling Ball of Death began to glow, shuddered, and smashed into the other planet, shattering it like a cadre of ninepins. Kozue stood shocked at what had happened, but would not let that deter her.

_Simple fool. He thinks destroying some anonymous planet will get me to reveal the location of our rebel hideout? Both Touga and I know that my real home planet is too far away. I just hope nobody was on that world…_

MEANWHILE!

"Do you guys feel a draft?" A collective sigh rose up from the group.

"For the tenth time, Kikuchiyo, YES!!!"

"…Just checking."

………

The _Y2 Kondor_, defying all sense of logic and science, wedged itself through the galactic atmosphere, bending time, space, and light to its whims on its way to Princess Kozue's home planet. Inside, Nanami was having one of her good days: being cast in this particular role seemed to be the pick-me-up she needed. The antics of Chu-Chewbacca, the two prissy princesses, and both men to whom she expressed indifference could not take away the elation she felt—but a sudden meteor shower might.

"BWAH?!" she bellowed. Nanami zoomed to the cockpit and vomited out the following: "How did we manage to come into a meteor shower? I set the coordinates perfectly! We should be at the princess' homeworld by now!"

"We are at her home," Akio murmured eerily. "This is all that's left after the Empire destroyed it."

"But how could the Empire blow up an entire planet?" Miki wondered. "And is that a machine samurai flying around?"

"No time to admire the view!" Nanami snapped, moving her ship out of harm's way. "Everyone buckle up! This is going to be rough, but I haven't been waiting this long just to be beaten now!" After a considerable amount of jerking and jamming, the _Y2 Kondor_ moved out of the fire and into the firing range (so to speak). Before the crew could gather their bearings, an Imperial space-fighter zoomed by!

"An Imperial fighter!" Kanae exclaimed. Well, duh. "Do you think it followed us?"

"Out of light-speed? Unlikely."

"Seems it's heading for that small moon," Nanami muttered, observing just how close to the distant sphere they were coming. "I think I can take it out before it reaches there."

"That's no moon," Akio whispered, "it's a space station!"

"Actually, it looks more like a bowling ball." Everyone turned to Anthy, smiling smugly, and sweat-dropped.

"Just turn the ship around," Miki groaned. "And someone tie down Cha-Cha before he flies all over the place." Anthy grabbed her little friend and cuddled him close; everyone else hung on for dear life, praying to be freed from the grasp of the BBD. Their prayers, unfortunately, were in vain! Bum-bum-bumm!

"Come on!" Nanami belted. "Is that the best you can do? This is a serious situation here! You could at least be a little less cheesy!"

"Nanami, who are you talking to?" The young blonde grumbled.

"My agent. Hopefully I'm being observed very carefully. _Very_ carefully."

Suffice to say, Nanami could not turn the ship around in time, and they were all sucked into the spherical dungeon like…like, uh…like…an olive through a straw (look, I'm not getting paid to do this, okay? Spare me some slack. It gets better folks, honest it does). Now that they were trapped, the team was forced to split up: Miki and Nanami would lead the girls to find the princess, and Akio would shut down the tractor beam. Seeing as how everyone had already seen "the film" a hundred times, their odds of success were astonishingly high!!!

"Let's hope so," Miki muttered. "Now to find the princess! Anthy, could you and Kanae look for her?"

"Certainly."

"And what about me?" asked an offended Nanami, slamming her fist against the wall. "Am I just chopped liver to you?"

"No, of course not. I'll need a brave and reliable companion to help me storm in there and save her. Miss Nanami, I can think of no better candidate than you."

"_REALLY!!!_" The poor deluded girl sighed wistfully, and wrapped Miki in an embrace that sent him suffocating. "Oh, Miki, there's hope for you yet! So let's get this show on the road! Can't you two girls punch those buttons any faster?"

"We are working on it," Anthy said, a hint of impatience in her voice.

"WORK HARDER!!!"

"(This makes me glad I never dated Touga,)" Kanae muttered to herself.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"Done!" Anthy chirped, throwing her hand up in victory. "The princess is in level 5, cell block AA23. She is scheduled to be terminated."

"What! Oh no! Princess in danger! Miki must save!"

"This is ludicrous," Nanami groaned, rubbing her forehead wearily. "I get the best part so far and the story turns out awful! Well, I won't stand around for it! I'll save the princess and end up as the hero! Look out, lady! Nanami Kiryuu and her invincible sidekick Chu-Chewbacca are here to save you!" The headstrong woman charged into the brave unknown without a care or plan in the world, leaving the others behind to stare in wonder. Miki sighed.

"If I didn't think she had an ulterior motive, I would actually admire that girl. Well, let's follow her so she doesn't get killed."

……

The hot independent rebellious tomboy daughter of the King, Kozue herself, awaited execution solemnly in her cell. Suddenly, sounds of a battle raged outside, and worry mixed in with hope as she sat up, wondering whether she would meet her death or her hero. The cell door opened suddenly, but instead of a grim Imperial Thug, a young blonde woman stood on the opposite side, beaming proudly with the victory of a hero.

"And you are…?"

"Nanami Kiryuu! I am here to save you from your captors and avenge the loss of your home world!"

"Oh, that place? That wasn't really my home," she said offhand. "But thanks for, um, coming for me, although I was expecting somebody a little more…heroic."

"And what's that supposed to mean?!"

"Oh, nothing," she yawned. "I suppose _a_ rescuer is better than nothing at all. Well, lead the way." Nanami snorted violently, and the two girls exchanged hot raging lightning bolts of evil for a moment. At that moment, Miki came in, bearing something that oddly resembled Akio's Sword of Dios.

"Nanami! Next time don't run off like that! You could've been hurt!"

"I can manage my own self just fine!" she insisted. Kozue's focus shifted on him—and _stayed_, wink!

"_Hello!_" she purred. "And hello indeed. You're the true hero I've been hoping for. What's _your_ name?"

He stuttered. "M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-Miki."

"Well, M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-Miki, I'm Princess Kozue if you didn't know already. I'd like to thank you for rescuing me."

"Excuse me!" Nanami roared. "I happened to be the one who rescued you! This _boy_ here simply followed me! If anybody's to be thanked, it's me!" Kozue gave the blonde an apathetic stare before focusing all her attention on Miki once again.

"Right. Thanks. And thank _you_, my dashing brave hero. I owe you a great debt. You can ask me to repay you _however_ you like." Miki's face turned purple with so much redness overcoming it.

"Uhhh…w-w-we should probably be leaving now."

"I couldn't agree more," Nanami snapped. With a glare towards her comrade she muttered, "No reward is worth this!" Chu-Chewbacca just squeaked, no surprise there.

Meanwhile, Akio deactivated the tractor beam. And that's the end of that problem.

Before the team could get back to the ship, everyone was forced to split up: Nanami and Chu-Chewbacca to find and secure the vessel; and Miki and Kozue to find the others and rendezvous at the ship. Anthy and Kanae had been left behind because quite frankly, neither seemed up to the task of rescuing anybody except themselves. Miki whispered to himself how annoying Kanae was becoming, naturally leaving Anthy out because he could never, EVER think of her as anything less than perfect. Good ol' Miki.

Suddenly the two came at an impasse: the hallway they were running down led to a sheer drop, and the Imperial troops were _right behind them!!!!!?_ Miki slammed the door shut and sealed the lock with his Sword of Dios, effectively destroying the controls that also extended the bridge. Oops. As he studied the room, though, he realized he could swing across if he could just…

"Look out!" Kozue shoved him back as a storm of blaster fire narrowly missed blowing him apart. Miki rose and thanked her breathlessly, then returned fire until he could have a few clear moments. Briefly handing his gun to Kozue, Miki reached into his belt and pulled a grappling harness out, using it to lasso around a convenient overhanging ledge. He grabbed Kozue and prepared to swing over the gap.

"Just a second," she said, grabbing his face. With an utterance of "good luck", she gave it to him hard and heavy, lip-locking with unbridled fiery passion, probing where no sensible princess ought to probe. Miki finally jerked away, but only because the troops were still going blasty and neither of them wanted to be made dead, so they both swung across and wound around the interior of the Bowling Ball of Death to relocate their allies.

But first, a reunion.

"Akio!" Touga exclaimed, appearing before the older man. "So, we meet again, for the first time for the last time! …Right?"

"Perhaps," Akio replied. "So what are you doing here, Touga? Here to steal the spotlight from your sister? Or maybe…" He smiled darkly. "Perhaps this is a way for you to bring revolution to the world!" Touga just sneered contemptibly.

"Think whatever you like. Our conflict ends today!" Both men drew their swords, and a duel of the ages began again…

While they were fighting, Miki found the missing girls and reunited with Nanami, who was, as you've suspected, cheering for her brother. Anthy and Kanae ran over to watch their respective beloveds, and as for Miki and Kozue…

"Not here!" he exclaimed, shoving her away. "Can't you see this isn't the time or the place for that sort of thing?!"

"Just one more kiss, I promise! And no surprise 'inspections' this time!"

"No! Let's watch the fight! It's Akio versus Touga!" Kozue snorted, feeling rejected over a mere battle, and watched only because she was curious to figure out why Miki was so interested in this. Suddenly, Touga lunged, cleanly slicing off Akio's rose. In that moment, for some yet-unknown reason, Akio died!

"Nooo!" screamed Anthy and Kanae.

"Yeees!" screamed Nanami.

"Buh?" murmured Miki. "Wha? But…how? I… ZUHH???"

"No time to reminisce, dearest hero," Kozue said, dragging him to the _Y2 Kondor_. "We have to leave now."

"I only hope that strange man got the tractor beam out of commission," Nanami muttered as she scrambled everyone aboard. "Otherwise, this could be a very short trip. Let's go already!!!" The _Y2 Kondor_ burned out of the BBD's docking bay and back into space, leaving Touga behind to mull over what had just happened.

"Umm…perhaps I should just forget about this and have a drink. I'm sure that somewhere, Saionji is happy I defeated that man."

Elsewhere in the universe, the green-haired kendo warrior sneezed mightily.

……

Because she technically no longer had a homeworld to go back to, Kozue directed Nanami to the location of the secret rebel base, somewhere on the jungle world of Yawn 4. There, she and Kanae delivered the secret information that everyone had been making such a big fuss about. It turned out it was just a recipe for chocolate party cake. Of course, now that Kozue understood the power of the almighty Bowling Ball of Death, she knew that it had to be destroyed before more unpopulated dustballs could be ruined. A battle plan was drawn up and local rebel pilots were called into action, but one among their number was making her hasty departure…

"But why?" Miki asked as he observed Nanami packing her bags. "You've got your reward and you're leaving already?"

"Of course. Do you really think, after everything I've seen, I'm going to stick around and fight that thing? I've had enough with this! From now on, I'm only going after the roles that _don't _require me to risk life and limb."

"But we'll need all the pilots we can get, and you're amazing!"

"Though I appreciate the flattery, my answer is still the same."

"You won't change your mind? Not for anything?" She only had to say one thing to disappoint him.

"No!"

"All right," he sighed, "have it your way. Take care, miss Nanami!"

"(Speaking of overused phrases…)" Miki watched sadly as Nanami took off; Kozue joined him and gave him a comforting embrace.

"Let her go, Miki. She wasn't good enough for you anyway."

"I wasn't in _love_ with her, Kozue, I just—" The young princess smiled foxily, and before Miki could do or say anything else, she tipped him over and gave him another big wet kiss, embarrassing him in front of all the other rebels.

It was now time for the assault on the BBD! Once a suitable plan was drawn up, Miki and the small gathering of brave volunteer pilots shot out of Yawn 4's orbit and headed to the destructive sphere, which was nearly close enough to run over the rebel base. Taking a deep breath and clutching the charms Anthy and Kozue had given him, Miki prayed for Akio's guidance as the Bowling Ball of Death loomed before him.

"Look at the size of that thing," he whispered in amazement. There was no time to be impressed; the station's defenses were being mounted. There were two hundred-some guns across their attack run, but these were easily avoided due to the small size of the fighter crafts. Miki himself destroyed about six of them before the leader of the operation went in for his offensive. He prayed for victory as he soared across the station to assist his comrades with the guns, but soon everyone had another thing to worry about: bowtie fighters!

"Just great," he muttered, observing two of his comrades being blown away. Miki pulled up and shot back at them, noticing in the fray one of the enemy fighters was particularly precise and lethal. Touga Kiryuu, bored and itching for a real challenge, had stormed into the hangar bay to board his personal fighter, and now he was in on the battle as well.

"Touga!" Miki shouted. "What the heck are you doing? Don't you think we're in enough trouble already?!"

"Miki, don't be so childish," came his condescending voice. "Your rebels are a threat to our way of life. If the world is to be revolutionized, this battle station must remain intact. Therefore, I cannot allow your group to succeed. So sorry about that." And with an almost-chuckle, he cut off the transmission and ended the life of another star pilot. Miki clenched his teeth and went in for the attack himself, desperate to put an end to this. Touga, however, would not have any of it.

"You think you can affect anything?" he shouted.

"I must do this! I must not allow this station to destroy any more lives! They're all counting on me back there!"

"Romantic nonsense," Touga arrogantly replied. "The lives of a few people mean nothing when compared to the entire world…or worlds, I suppose. And even if you did win, I know where your friends are hiding."

"WHAT!"

"Oh yes, it was fairly easy to find them. All I had to do was put a tracking device on that ship I found. Once this battle is over, our forces can easily storm in and take control, even if the station is lost. Your efforts will be for nothing."

"Then I guess," Miki replied, smirking confidently, "I have nothing to lose." To Touga's surprise, Miki intensified his attacks, flying even faster towards the shaft that led to the core (you know, the one he was supposed to fire proton torpedoes in). Touga cursed, but it took more than angry words to catch up with the young hero. It was now a battle between the two men, with the only thing between them being a distance of a few kilometers, and the accuracy of one's firepower. But Touga could wait; he had waited all his life for his chance, and he could surely be patient for a few more moments.

_Miki…Miki, can you hear me? This is the spirit of Akio, calling you from beyond the void!_

"That's just great," he grumbled to himself. "Hearing voices is the last thing I need right now."

_Miki, you must trust me. Use the Schwartz!_

"The what?"

_The…the Forks!_

"Excuse me?"

_The Fierce!_

"You're not making any sense," he snapped coldly. "Look, just get out of my head, okay? I can do this by myself." Suddenly, his vessel rocked as a stray blast from Touga's fighter crippled part of his system.

_You were saying?_

"Stop talking to me! Just give me some time to think!" But there was no time; Touga was bearing down on him, and in a few moments, Miki and the last thread of hope for the rebellion would be gone (those other guys don't count, of course). Suddenly, Touga's fighter buckled under some sudden immense pressure, and careened out of control, its pilot swearing up a storm.

"What was that!?"

"Did somebody call for a hero?!"

"Miss Nanami!" Miki cheered for joy as he saw the shadow of the _Y2 Kondor_ eclipse him, Nanami's whiny voice more beautiful than anything he had ever heard.

"You're all clear, Miki! Now let's blow this place and go home!"

"Roger!" He fired instinctually, guided by the nameless mystic energy bound to this particular universe, and let out a sigh of relief as he, Nanami, and the remaining rebels (cowardly losers) flew away from the doomed sphere. Even Touga had to cover his eyes as the explosion rocked the very galaxy itself…

"Great shot, Kaoru!" he heard Nanami exclaim. "But has anyone seen my brother recently?"

Miki groaned with illness. Maybe it was better if she never knew.

……

No sooner did Miki leap from his fighter was he overwhelmed by cheering crowds and excited people, particularly Kozue, who smothered him with kisses the first chance she got. Even Nanami was embraced and proclaimed a hero, as she sort of deserves, and Chu-Chewbacca was given a little kiss by his mistress and her sister-in-law.

"What made you come back, though?" Miki asked of Nanami. The blonde smiled cutely.

"Well, I couldn't let you have all the credit, and Chu-Chewbacca insisted. Besides, I had to come back for my brother. I still don't know where he ran off to."

"He'll be all right," Miki assured her. Together, the heroes linked arms and skipped off to celebrate their victory, and to commemorate a new page in the history of the rebellion against (okay, I'll do it once more for old time's sake) THE EMPIRE!!!!!!!

As Miki, Nanami, and Chu-Chewbacca made their way down the processional hall, they were formally greeted by throngs of rebel fighters, pilots, officials, and representatives, every one turning out to hail their heroic deeds. At the head was Princess Kozue, looking striking in her white dress, smiling nobly as a princess would. She welcomed Nanami first and gave her a medal of heroics, and next came Chu-Chewbacca, who received a much smaller symbol of gratitude (Chewie should've gotten a medal in the original). Finally came Miki, looking bright and eager as the princess hung the highest rank over his chest, along with a wink and a sultry kiss blown.

With Anthy smiling and Kanae clapping, the trio of heroes turned to receive their applause, and with a mighty squeak of victory from Chu-Chewbacca, another fairy tale came to a heroic conclusion…

_**THE END**_

_Epilogue_

"Miss Nanami? Kozue? Where have you two gone off to now?" Feeling worried at their unexplained and lengthy absence, Miki frantically searched for the two women, turning over and peering into everything in his search. After some initial panic, he set down the hall and searched each door, finding one mysteriously locked. Never one to be caught without a master key, Miki opened the door, wondering if this was where the duo were hiding.

"Are you two in here? We have to evacuate and start the sequel before—" He froze rather suddenly and turned horribly purple as he accidentally caught both girls in a rather steamy embrace. Bashfully, they ceased their "private party" and greeted him.

"Before what, Miki?"

"You know what? Never mind."

_Stay tuned for the next installment!_

_It's better than doing nothing!_


	7. Beautiful Beasts

_Dedicated in loving memory to Mako_

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

Because I have nothing better to do.

Chapter Seven: Beautiful Beasts

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there lived a prince who was very beautiful but very selfish, and his heart was cruel. One stormy day, he received a visitor, dressed in filthy rags and covered with mud. The prince couldn't bear such a hideous thing to defile his palace, so he banished the creature back into the storm. Though the little hag promised him great riches for but a few single hours of shelter, still the prince refused, shoving it outside in the rain. The storm, however, was very strong, and soon the wind and the water lashed at his uninvited visitor, tearing off the rags and washing away the mud to reveal a beautiful enchantress! Startled, the prince begged for mercy, but the enchantress had seen his heart, and decided to punish him for his misdeeds.

"You have the heart of a beast, and now a body to match it!" As she proclaimed, a great light blinded the prince. When he awoke, he was horrified to discover that his body, once a proud and striking figure, was disfigured and grotesque. In his madness he wailed, and stole away into the dark emptiness of his palace, where he stayed there until this very day…

…When a meteor smashed into the palace and destroyed it! Cool!

……

"Meteors," Juri sighed as she closed the book. "Why is it always meteors?"

"You were expecting Godzilla?" Shiori asked her. The older woman shrugged.

"I don't know. If they're going to kill him off, they could at least make it more dramatic."

"Like what?"

"Like…oh, I don't know. Maybe he could be moments away from finding true love, but at the last second, he sees his beloved perish in the snow, and his heart gives in from the agony. That would be a death befitting a tragic hero."

"That's such a cruel fate!" Shiori hissed. "Why on earth does he need to be killed, anyway? Can't this story have a happy ending like all the others?"

"I think I covered that base pretty well earlier on," Juri replied crisply. "But since we're talking about disguised enchantresses turning men into monsters, we may as well go the whole distance and just throw every incredible idea around. Why _not_ have a happy ending? It's an impossible world, so it needs an impossible ending."

"You don't believe they could find _any_ happiness?" Shiori's eyes grew large and watery, her best use of Puppy-Dog weaponry. Juri snorted.

"Of course they could, but it's just as Tolstoy said: 'There is no happiness in life, only occasional flares of it. You must learn to live on them.' Whatever pleasures they may find will be weak and meager, and they will pick up any shreds and sew them together for as long as it takes."

"I have a different question," Shiori said, covering Juri's hand with their own. Their eyes met, and the shoujo-ai quota was met for the day. "In the story, it says that the prince had the heart of a beast, and later a body to match. Now ideally, the princess would cure him of his ugliness and restore his humanity, thusly inferring he had a good side all along. My question is this: do you think there still exists a portion of that beastly demeanor in him, or was the purge complete?"

"Well, _complete_ should not be used so frivolously," Juri muttered, using her free hand to caress her chin. "You're suggesting that before, he was 'all' beastly, and with the arrival of the princess, he later became 'all' princely, a true prince. Naturally, the use of the word _all_ is, at best, a terrible mistake, and criminal at worst. Surely he had a shred of decency before the transformation. No matter how bad a person is, you can't be 'pure' evil, because there's always going to be some goodness in there."

"Or a goodness that's been spoiled," Shiori added. "But you didn't answer my question. What about after?"

"The same, in reverse: he can't be completely good either, because then there'd be no point in keeping the princess, or the palace, or anything. A man who still needs to eat is not perfect, just as a man who still pauses to consider his actions is not wicked. I'm sure there'd still be some remnant of the beast left over, just a small amount." Shiori smiled; that answer seemed to satisfy her. Fearing this nonsense was driving hardcore Utena fans away, she pounced on Juri and started to unbutton her dualist uniform, one little bead and ribbon at a time.

"What do you suppose made him so beastly to begin with?" she whispered, hot breath mingling. "Was it merely turning one person away? Perhaps the prince had been doing very good deeds up until that moment, and the sorceress caught him at a bad time. Or maybe he had been isolated as well all his life, cast out of the warm light that so many others enjoyed. He would then believe his actions against the magical woman were justified: he was refused, and so he too refused, having known nothing else."

"Truly, there is no border between good and evil," Juri muttered, feeling Shiori's hands wander. They not only crossed the outer terrain; a few nimble touches found their way within. "The sorceress had no real right to say that his heart was completely wicked. Perhaps he did grow up knowing nothing but villainy, as you've suggested. A man who spends all his life looking at red will not understand blue. He'll shun it and hate it. He can't be punished if beastly actions were the only thing he knew."

"But the story clearly indicates that he's a prince, and we have to consider that." Shiori had Juri's shirt unbuttoned by now, and was playing with the straps of her brassiere as if they were strings of a harp. "If the prince had a beastly heart, we may be able to assume that, all his life, he had been spoiled and brought up with a superior outlook on life. Even the most noble man finds it hard to be humble if he's in a position of great power, and princes hold entire regions in their hands. This man's mind was set on the grander objectives of life, and so why should he allow a wandering stranger inside?"

"You're jumping around too much!" Juri laughed. Shiori sat up and removed her clothes, making sure the goddess kept her eyes open. Naked truth prevailed.

"You wanted to look at this scientifically, or that was my impression." Shiori brought Juri up and embraced her, struggling lazily to make the woman shed her fears. "Scientists must look at every angle and ask every question, even if it contradicts an earlier question. We've already discussed several possibilities of why the prince turned the woman away; I'm just posing probable solutions."

"You know what really caught my attention?" Juri asked, running her fingernails up and down the uncovered layer of skin, scratching Shiori's surface. "The prince was a beast in every aspect until the princess came to his side, or the damsel: the _woman_, let's say in general. And after a few days of her, he changed back and became better. There's a whole world of discussion there."

"Such as?"

"Man cannot find order on his own, for one. Nor can he find peace. Solitude brings disaster, and further distance from your fellow man, or woman, may turn your beast into a stronger monster. We once said he turned the woman away because he too was turned away; this isolation now had a more tangible face to it, and it continued to haunt and torture him, even after the metamorphosis. Perhaps then, one can say that the enchantress never _really_ turned him into a beast, and that it was his mere loneliness that caused all this trouble."

"What do you mean?"

"It's plausible all this was a direct cause of his ostracized feelings. A lonely man becomes embittered and turns vile, even to the point where he casts away potential friends. The enchantress may have merely accelerated this emotion, and magnified it into a grandiose façade. Thusly, the man's own inner demons caused his primal nature, and the arrival of the woman, of companionship, helped quell this maelstrom and bring sense into his world."

"But it has a very politically incorrect overtone to it, from a man's point of view," Shiori added. She finally removed Juri's shirt and pinned her to the ground, clawing and biting at will. "It basically states that man cannot find real 'redemption' from his beast without the help of woman. Man is practically powerless in that sense. Without woman, he continues to be the beast, but with her, he can become the prince again. Woman is the light in the darkness; she is the order in a world of terrors. I sense Oedipal overtones."

"That's your response to everything." Shiori laughed.

"A boy's best friend is his mother. But why does it never tell the story of a woman turning into a beast, and a man rescuing her from her own inner demons?"

"The same political incorrectness you infer, perhaps?" Shiori shrugged.

"Perhaps. Woman is always perceived as a comforter; man is either the provider or the one in need of comforting. And woman apparently has no power unless she has someone or something to comfort. Her true strength is never revealed until her arms fold over some pathetic life."

"So by that rationale, perhaps woman is the beast until she finds a beast to cure."

"I don't follow."

"Woman's world is chaotic without the pathetic life, if what you believe is true. In a sense, whatever she puts her arms around will become her rock, a steadfast place in a storm. The wind blows at her without mercy until she finds something to hang onto, but once she does, things become peaceful again. So the woman needs man just as much: she battles his inner demons, and he fights her outer struggles."

"Juri," Shiori smiled, leaning close to her face, "it's not like you to be so optimistic. And you said there was no such thing as a happy ending."

"But you also said I was looking at this scientifically. This is all just a theory of mine." Shiori grinned sweetly, and finally closed the gap between them.

"Of course it is."

_Meanwhile…_

"I don't get it," Touga muttered, indignant. "I simply don't understand. Why in the world are those two just laying there talking about nothing?"

"Maybe they finally ran out of steamy innuendo and moved into the 'boring couple' phase," Miki suggested.

"Or they could be stalling for something," Nanami suggested, "but whatever it is, you'd think it would've happened by now. Those two are just wasting a lot of time!"

"I hate to suggest it," Saionji muttered, "but perhaps they really are having an intellectual discussion. Their minds work on a level even we can't understand. They have known and treasured each other all their lives, and recovering from their falling-out has taken a significant toll on them. If this is a means to recovery, then perhaps we should just turn our heads aside and give them our blessings."

"You know," Juri said, raising her head up slightly, "we _can_ hear you all. Oh, and hiding behind a nearby bush? _Very_ stupid."

Saionji and Nanami both let out an impressive growl.

"IT WAS THEIR IDEA!!" they screamed, indicating each other. Touga and Miki sighed in defeat.

"But we went along with it. Now who's the fool?"

_And so…_

With their discussion concluded and their physical activities over, Juri and Shiori got dressed once more, stood to their typical proud height, and presented each other with a civil, fair smile. They definitely made progress today, and who knows what new grounds would be tread the next time they met?

"We certainly have come a long way," Juri stated. "It's been a pleasure talking with you again. I'm glad we can do _some_ things with a semblance of peace."

"I agree," her better half countered, eyes glowing brilliantly. "I do hate mincing around like this, as if there were still glass on the floor of our relationship. I don't doubt there's still some cleaning, but at least part of the refuse has been swept away. And your intellect has grown."

"Well, I do know my way around a library," Juri managed humbly, her blush indistinguishable from the rest of her face. They came to a stop, turned, and examined the road they were leaving behind, hallmarked by their most recent handiwork. The four interlopers had been dealt with in a manner best befitting spies and eavesdroppers, though Shiori thought the method a bit too extreme.

"Do you think they'll be okay?" Juri turned around, her voice laced with the laughter of one strong enough to control great outbursts.

"I'm sure they'll manage. Being tied up and hung upside down from a flagpole isn't the worst obstacle they've faced. We'll see them soon enough."

"I hope so," Shiori exclaimed, her voice honest and proud. "Life seems so much more interesting with your friends around."

But in the meantime…

"I SAID I WAS SORRY! WON'T YOU CUT ME DOWN?! I THINK I'M GETTING NUMB!!"

"Be quiet, Nanami," Touga spat, though he was in no better a position. "We're all stuck up here. I don't suppose any of you remembered your penknives, did you?"

"Who do you think I am, Batman?" Miki challenged. "I don't carry everything around with me!"

"All right, I'm sorry. There's no need to snap."

"Touga?" The redhead faced Saionji.

"Yes, what is it?" The younger man was growing nervous.

"Just how long do you think they'll let us hang here?"

"…Umm…"

"Any time is too long!" Nanami proclaimed. "If those two had any maturity in them at all—"

"Just be _patient_, Nanami," her brother snapped. "I'm sure they'll come back for us any moment now, once they've realized we learned our lesson."

_Two weeks later…_

"_YOU_ said they'd be back any moment! YOU said they'd hurry right along once they realized we learned our lesson! Boy, were you wrong! Big Brother…I thought I'd never say this again, but you are a fool!!!"

"For the forty-two-thousandth, sixth-hundredth, seventy-fifth time, Nanami, _shut up!_"

"What do you _mean_, Tenchi Masaki could beat Tuxedo Kamen? You're out of your mind!"

"Just _think_ about it, Miki!" Saionji snapped. "He has the sword of Tenchi, the Light Hawk Wings, and his whole freaking harem with him! What does cape boy have except a flower and a bad monologue?"

"If you're including Tenchi's harem, you may as well include the Senshi, and last I checked, they outnumber Tenchi's meager assortment of concubines!"

"HA! That's where you're mistaken! You forget to take Washu's genius into account, not to mention Ayeka's ties with the royal family, Sasami's overwhelming adorability, Kiyone's experience as a Galaxy Police Officer, Mihoshi's dumb luck, and Ryoko… Oh, don't even get me _started_ on Ryoko."

"Three words, Saionji: Death Reborn Revolution. Instant victory _every_ time."

"Big Brother?" Nanami whimpered. "Do me a favor, will you? Kill me so I don't have to listen to their pointless dribble anymore."

"Trust me, Nanami," he swore. "If I could do that, I'd take myself with you."

_The End_

_Stay tuned for my next installment._

_It's got pie!_

(Note to readers—Juri and Shiori lived happily ever after!)

"Hey! Weren't you listening to me?!"

"Juri, shut up."

"…Yes dear."


	8. A Lad in a Lamp

_Dedicated in loving memory to Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Erwin_

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

When you just can't get enough lesbian, incestuous, and homoerotic action.

Verse Ate: A Lad in a Lamp

Once upon a time there was this boy who was a peasant but he was really the son of the king (sssh, don't tell him that!), however the kingdom fell on hard times, as the evil chancellor took all his money (all chancellors are evil, no exception) and then he told the church and the military to blow up his hometown, so the king and queen were dead and that left the prince a poor man in exile. However he was going to grow up to be the hero of this story! The prince's name was Soji Mikage, and because he had weird hair and was a prettyboy, he was clearly going to be a tremendous hero who could seduce any woman he laid his eyes on, even if they were bad.

One day, the evil chancellor (whose name was Mitsuru) was walking in the brand new super palace he had his minions build, which was in like the center of the world and it had the best technology ever. As he was walking, he suddenly remembered having a dream! And we all know what that means: this dream would come true! The dream was about a missing prince rising up to overthrow him and take over, so because Chancellor Mitsuru knew this was going to happen, he decided to look for the prince and kill him when he found him! So he got all his best guards and told them to go look for the prince, and kill him.

The guards were not very smart, because they thought Chancellor Mitsuru meant the prince that wasn't exiled, the one in their own new evil country, and so they ran through the kingdom and found the prince in the garden. They said, "You prince! The Chancellor who is Mitsuru told us to kill you since you are going to overthrow him!" But the prince said, "I'm not the prince you're looking for, I am Prince Mamiya, please find some other prince." And so the guards realized who he was and went back to explain things to the Chancellor, who had them all beheaded for not killing the real prince.

Then the Chancellor said, "I know! I will find the magic genie and ask her to kill the prince! Then I will ask her to make me king of the world, and she must do whatever I say from that day forward!" But the Chancellor didn't know that Mamiya was listening, and he wanted to help the other prince, and so that night Mamiya escaped and went to find the other prince. He soon found Soji, who didn't know he was a prince, and told him everything. Soji could not believe that he was really a prince! Mamiya also said he was in danger, but if he found the genie first, he would not be and Chancellor Mitsuru would be in big trouble!

And so, prince Soji entrusted his entire future to a perfect stranger and went looking for the genie who could grant wishes, but Mitsuru's other guards (who were a little smarter than the ones he sent out earlier) were after the genie too! So Mamiya and Soji ran very very quickly, and they went to ask a very wise old woman where the genie was. She said, "It is buried in the sand, you must dig it out by hand! Now pay me lots of money, uh……something-something honey!" The two princes pushed the old woman off a very high building and killed her instead of paying her money, and then they went to where there was a lot of sand and they started to dig, but the Chancellor's guards were getting closer!

"We must find an old person who is very wise to help us," they said. They went and found an old man who told them the same thing the old woman told the two princes, and he asked for money too. They tried to kill him by pushing him off a cliff, but the old man was too smart for that (c'mon, these are _guards_ we're talking about!), and he killed them with his cane. So Chancellor Mitsuru had to send even MORE guards out.

As they were digging through the sand, Prince Soji and Prince Mamiya found an electric lamp and thought how strange it was for something like this to be here. Then they remembered that ninety-eight percent of all genies live in lamps, and so they rubbed it and out came a genie! It was a beautiful princess named Nanami, who could grant any three wishes with a twitch of her nose!

"Aren't we confusing our stories here?" she demanded.

"No," said Mamiya. Nanami looked very cross, but decided to grant their wishes anyway. "I will give you three wishes, so you'd better make them good!" she exclaimed. Soji said, "Sex, drugs, and rock n' roll!" Nanami gave him a very strange look, but since those were his wishes, she granted them to him. First, Soji and Mamiya had sex (c'mon, what were you expecting?), then Nanami gave prince Soji rhinoceros tranquilizers, and finally she asked Metallica to come play for them, and Soji and Mamiya were VERY happy because they thought they had used their wishes very wisely. But suddenly Chancellor Mitsuru's guards found them and saw they had already found the genie!

"There they are!" they exclaimed. The guards ran in and stole the electric lamp before the two princes could do anything (James Hetfield and Kirk Hammett were distracting them), and then they went back to the Chancellor as fast as they could, but the two princes followed them using a magic carpet.

……

"Stop the story!" Juri stood up angrily, nearly knocking her neighbors onto the floor. "This doesn't make any sense at all! Where did they get the magic carpet? And why does this whole thing sound like a second-grader wrote it!"

"Down in front!" Utena shouted. Juri grumbled angrily.

"_Fine._ Continuity be damned. Let's just sit through this and hope there's still something salvageable. I can't believe Nanami agreed to be _in_ this…"

"I think it was to dress up as a genie," Utena said, a giggle in her voice as always. "I really can't blame her. I would've gone after the role myself, but sometimes Nanami can be a bit _too_ persuasive."

"Shut up," grumbled poor Juri, crossing arms and legs defensively. Utena sighed, and passed her tub of popcorn over to Wakaba and Anthy.

……

When the Chancellor's guards made it to the Chancellor, he was very pleased and laughed with victory, then he killed the guards because he didn't need them anymore now that he had a genie with him. Mitsuru called the genie and could not believe it was Nanami all this time! She said to him, "Mitsuru, I will grant you any three wishes you desire." Mitsuru could not believe his luck!

First he wished for infinite guards so he could kill off as many as he pleased and get away with it, then he wished to rule the world! Finally he said, "I wish you and I could be married Nanami!", and so he and Nanami were married and she stopped being a genie. When that happened, all the wishes were taken away and Mitsuru was just a normal Chancellor again without any guards, but at least he had Nanami. Soji and Mamiya found their own kingdom and got married and had nine kids, and they all lived happily ever after!

_The End_

_Stay tuned for my next installment!_

_Same revolutionary time, same revolutionary channel!_

Juri scowled as the story finally came to an end.

"Worst fairy tale spoof ever!"

"Nobody asked you," Utena muttered.


	9. The Pumpkin Coach of Doom

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

Insert humorous sentence.

(a burly man arrives and dramatically sounds a mighty gong. Smoke and fire erupts as a line of dancing girls emerge from the hellish mist)

Mr. Toasty presents

An Al Kristopher production

MASSACHUSETTS KEIKO AND THE PUMPKIN COACH OF DOOM 

(the girls enter a song-and-dance routine. Camera pans to Keiko Sonoda approaching a table full of businessmen)

"Lovely evening for a reunion," stated the world-famous archaeologist. The men rose slightly and nodded, welcoming her into their circle.

"I trust you have the object in question?" said their leader. Keiko proudly brought out the legendary lock of Rapunzel's hair, braided and preserved as it had been for centuries.

"Every strand accounted for," she said. "This time, though, I'd rather not pay in my own blood…or the blood of your associates." She grinned wickedly in the direction of a younger man, who nursed his injured arm grudgingly.

"You have insulted my son," growled the leader.

Keiko countered, "No, he insulted me. I spared his life. I suggest you spare me the pleasantries and hand over what we agreed upon." The leader gruffly placed a sack of rare and valuable coins atop the table, and revolved it so it'd be in Dr. Sonoda's grasp. She didn't even inspect it when she replied, "I don't take cash. Diamonds only." With a venomous glare, the man took back his coins and exchanged them for a large, pure white diamond, one nearly as valuable as the lock of hair currently being exchanged. With a smile of extreme exuberance, he took the lock and caressed it, murmuring something about "his precious".

"What's going on, fellas?" One of the dancing girls, the leader by appearance, suddenly hovered into the conversation, sticking her nose where it didn't belong. Tensions only rose further with her appearance; the lead man gave her a cool glare.

"Introduce me, won't you?" Keiko said.

"Dr. Sonoda, this is Utena Tenjou, starlet extraordinaire. Tenjou, this is famous archaeologist, Massachusetts Keiko."

"Weird name," commented the pink-haired woman. "And the hair?"

"The lock of Rapunzel, a legendary princess born in lands far away. Now, Dr. Sonoda, please to give us back the diamond." Keiko just laughed, tracing circles on the table.

"Am I going deaf, or are you developing a bad sense of humor?"

"What's that?" Tenjou pointed, indicating a vial fondled by the current villain-of-the-hour. He grinned mirthfully.

"Antidote."

"For what?"

"For the poison you just drank!" Keiko just scratched her head.

"Umm…I haven't been given any drinks yet."

Blink, blink.

"Martini?" he muttered, swirling a glass her way. "Definitely not poisoned!" She splashed it in his face, taking Tenjou as hostage as she and the diamond fled the scene, guns blazing and dancing girls……well, dancing. Thankfully, Keiko didn't have to fight any muscle-bound Germans on her way out, but you never know when one will pop up and attack you for no reason…

Utena was rudely shoved in the back seat of a period piece car from the 1930s, but with a hailstorm of bullets coming their way and a seemingly-endless army of underlings and thugs to go along with it, she could ignore the unceremonious treatment. What worried her the most, aside from Keiko claiming this sort of thing happened to her all the time, was that a tiny little monkey-creature was driving the car.

"Chu-Chu," Keiko growled, "step on it, will ya?" The little critter squeaked, and despite its size, was somehow able to evade Keiko's pursuers, though it took a magnificent chase scene and several hundred spilled produce carts to get the two women to safety (whenever there's a chase, there are ALWAYS produce carts involved). They wound up in a private airport, staring down a cargo plane full of bootleg Sailor Moon DVDs (never mind how they got into a different time period; Juri had long ago given up on being a continuity stickler). Although Utena was disgusted to be counted amongst the illegal merchandise, it was certainly better than being shot at—at least for a time (suspenseful ellipse!).

"So just who are you anyway?" she asked of her companion. Keiko listlessly played with Chu-Chu, tickling it with her finger or bouncing it with an illegal copy of Season 2, volume 3.

"Keiko Sonoda, like that guy said. I'm an archaeologist, but I don't go after ancient burial sites or dinosaur fossils. I prefer to stay in the business of obtaining rare antiquities. That lock of Rapunzel's hair was just one of the better finds I've discovered."

"Oh. And you gave it up for that diamond?"

"I got the better deal," she remarked wolfishly. "Can't pay for the rent with hair. Would that I could, though," she said, fluffing her pigtails. "And what about you? Just a siren passing through?"

"I happened to _work_ for that guy you just ripped off, at least until recently."

"I hate to break this to you, sweetheart, but what you just saw was one of his more redeeming qualities. Shooting people and feeding them poison is charming compared to some of the other things he's done, but I'll spare you the gory details." Keiko coolly placed a rumpled fedora over her eyes and tried to sleep, but Utena bugged her yet again.

"Just out of curiosity," she said, "what sort of rare antiquity are you after next?"

"Does it matter? I'm letting you tag along, so unless you have an objection, sit down and get some sleep. It's a long way to friendly shores." Utena snorted, but decided it would be better to have a quick siesta first. Little did she know that soon, her eyes would be opened to terror and betrayal (yet another suspenseful ellipse!).

……

It didn't bother Keiko much that there was a breeze, or an abrupt whirlwind of DVDs slapping her in the face, or even the sudden and striking loss of parachutes. What bothered her most was that Utena screamed about all of this and more as she noticed, quite loudly, that nobody was flying the plane. Keiko jerked to life and took the controls, landing them both very safely and very soundly on firm, friendly ground. Yeah, I know they should've had a spectacular explosion and chase scene thrown in there, but come on, that costs money. If I had that sort of cash, do you really think I'd be writing this stuff?

Anyway, after securing the plane and their belongings, Keiko and Utena (Chu-Chu riding safely on the pink-haired girl's shoulder) foraged a new path through the unknown murk, wary of the standard loincloth-clad natives, muscle-bound Germans, cultists, and sharks (because every action movie has to have sharks. Has to). Utena tried to make friendly conversation, but when you're trudging your way through dense forest with only your razor-sharp wit to slice down the overgrowth and triple-digit temperatures nagging your every move, you kind of want to be left alone.

Finally discovering civilization, the girls ran for what seemed to be an empty village at first, huts and small stone monuments laid in precise patterns, indicating some brains went behind their development. Not a soul was around, except their own, and the emptiness gnawed at them as they explored, searched, and peered into every one of the huts. It seemed like the place had been abandoned only a few months ago, as nothing was in decay yet, and the earth bore rogue crops left behind by hurrying townspeople.

One of the huts gave them a macabre surprise: there was a chain of decapitated human feet strung around the floor, each one tied to the other in a long link. Strange symbols had been drawn on the walls, presumably in the blood of the victims; Keiko approached these and studied them carefully as Utena kept her distance from the place (she had screamed out loud, upsetting several birds nesting nearby). Being a world-renowned archaeologist, Dr. Sonoda instantly knew what the symbols meant. Deciphering them gave her, of all people, a case of the shudders:

FIND THE GLASS SLIPPERS TO LIFT THE CURSE

"It can't be," she hissed, eyes bugging out wildly. She read the symbols twice, thrice, four times to be sure. "Find the glass slippers to lift the curse." Every time, the same thing. Keiko took a deep breath and summoned her traveling companion, but since Utena refused to go inside, she had to go out and meet her.

"I think I know what caused all this," said she, gesturing around her. "Have you ever heard about the infamous Glass Slippers of Sin Drela?" Utena shook her pale face.

"No, but I don't like the sound of it."

"Well, according to legend, the Slippers were the property of a great witch who could change her appearance, and the appearance of others. Her powers only worked when she wore the Glass Slippers, so naturally she never took them off. The legend also says that if anyone should remove the Slippers, all the spells would be broken and the witch would be cast down and destroyed. Apparently the local villagers believed in this, and made many attempts to remove them. If the legend is true, the witch might've heard about this and retaliated thusly, as you see. But it's only a myth."

"Creepy." Utena shivered, fearful of many things now, but she couldn't help but notice that a sparkle of excitement was now in Keiko's eye. "Umm…Keiko, what are we going to do now? I think we should get out of here."

"Indeed. We won't find those Slippers here."

"But…what? You mean we're going after them?"

"Of course," she exclaimed. "You asked me what rare antiquity I would go after next, and here it is. I never believed in fate before, but I just might now! Let's go on a quest to retrieve the Glass Slippers!"

"But…you don't even know where they are!"

"That's never stopped me before," she replied, giving the taller girl a merry smile. Utena groaned and wondered how she had gotten into this mess.

……

Utena watched very patiently as Keiko captured four mice and imprisoned them, then went harvesting for a pumpkin. She didn't bother to say anything—not that there was any point in talking anyway—and waited until Keiko had acquired everything she "needed" before speaking. The exhausted girl tumbled down to the ground and exhaled wearily, wiping sweat from her brow. Utena gave her some water and tried very hard to address her with gentle kindness. After watching her perform all those crazy things, it wasn't easy.

"So, may I ask what that pumpkin and those mice are for?"

"It's another part of the legend," Keiko replied, thanking her tagalong for the refreshment. "It says that the witch was drawn to animals and plants, apparently because they give her powers an extra boost, or maybe she used them as familiars. Folklore claims she had fairy blood in her, which might actually have accounted for the magic, but she was an evil fairy and used her powers for her own gain. The shoes might actually be nothing more than a vain accessory, but there's no way to tell."

"So…what are the mice and pumpkin for?" Keiko grumbled and gave her companion a rather sour expression.

"Bait, Miss Tenjou. We're going to use them as bait."

"And what makes you think the witch will take the bait?"

"Nothing," she replied, fanning herself lazily. "Absolutely nothing."

"Oh. Is that all?" A smile.

"Relax, Utena. I know what I'm doing."

"Is there anything else that might attract the witch?"

"Just one thing," Keiko said, sitting up. "Senseless HLS. Whaddya say? You game?"

"Why not?" Utena shrugged. And then they kissed, oh my goodness! The witch arrived right in the middle of their steamy session—as these things have a habit of doing.

"What do we have here?" she purred, her voice sultry and smooth as water. "A collection of mice, a pumpkin, and two budding dykes going at it for no reason at all. It must be my birthday!"

"Actually, it's your _death_ day!"

Blink, blink. Blink, blink.

"_What?_"

"No, Utena," Keiko grumbled, "just NO, okay? No."

"Shucks," she grumbled, kicking the ground. "_I_ thought it was a good line."

"Silence!" the witch screamed. "Because you have stopped your meaningless snogging, I must now protest by flailing my magic wand around in a rampage! Observe how evil and wacky my powers become! Bibity Babity Boo!" Before they knew it, a stream of sparkly light poured onto the mice and the pumpkin Keiko had found, transforming them from harmless things into gigantic mutated crimes against nature!

"What the…"

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Mice," Keiko murmured, feeling a migraine coming on. "Now I've seen everything."

"Don't forget the pumpkin," Utena pointed. The spherical orange squash was now a living, thrashing, enormous jack o' lantern, its eyes and mouth breathing sulfuric fire—and if that wasn't enough, the witch was still there. "Umm, Keiko? Are we in trouble yet?"

"I'd say it's safe for us to run like the sissies we are."

"Good idea!" And so this is what they did, the mice and the pumpkin following close behind, and the witch not far off. After screaming through the jungle for several minutes in a long montage of smaller chase scenes (including the standard "multiple doors, multiple chases" gag which usually ends up cloning somebody for some reason), Keiko and Utena finally came to a dead end, facing the remains of a bridge that some past archaeologist had cut loose.

"Drat," Keiko grumbled, "I was going to make my getaway here. Well, nothing to do now but stand and fight! Utena, are you with me?"

"All the way," she stated boldly. Even Chu-Chi gave his support, for what it was worth. The mutated mice caught up with them first, since we all know mice can run faster than pumpkins and witches with Glass Slippers (kids, have you _ever_ been able to run in anything made out of glass?), but Utena stood ready to dispose of them. She heroically lashed at them with her Sword of Dios, slashing their eyes and slicing off their tails, then sent them plummeting down into the ravine, where they most likely fell and landed themselves to death. Next came the pumpkin.

"And _you_ wanted to know why this story had that title!" Keiko screamed. Utena stiffly apologized and charged after the mutated vegetable, but Chu-Chu handled this one. In spite of his puny size, the little monkey could eat more than a gazillion times his own weight, and with a mighty gulp, swallowed the enormous monster pumpkin whole.

"Holy crap!" Utena shouted. "That was so cool! Um…Chu-Chu, are you all right? Do you need me to get you anything—like, uh…whipped cream?"

He answered her with an enormous belch.

"It can wait."

"Not…so…fast there…interlopers!" In came gasping the witch, just when all hope for an easy victory seemed theirs. The witch, poor thing, had ran through the jungle all on her own, in glass slippers nonetheless! Her feet were nearly swelled out of proportion, and her clothes clung to her body as sweat cascaded across her skin. All in all, not a very dangerous image to behold.

"Midnight has struck," Keiko said as she approached her foe. "The spell is broken. You've forfeited the shoes. It's time to surrender!"

"NEVER!"

"Oh, I didn't expect her to say that," Utena groaned. The witch lunged at Keiko and grabbed her by the ankles, laughing wildly as she tried to rip the archaeologist's feet off. Keiko struggled valiantly and Utena helped, gradually prying the fingers off and the hands away, until the witch screamed and struggled out of their grasp. Seeing her chance to strike, Keiko quickly jumped forward and wrestled the witch to the ground, ripping and clawing and biting mercilessly. Utena stood stiff as a pole and blushed.

"Yikes. Catfight!"

"Myaow," said Chu-Chu. Finally, Keiko forced the Glass Slippers off, and the witch screamed as her powers were suddenly stolen from her.

"Nooo! My powers are suddenly stolen from me! Now I have to walk _barefoot!_" She wailed mercilessly and darted back into the forest, where she turned feral and lived happily ever after amongst a pack of lesbian werewolves. For the moment, Keiko now had the Slippers, and hoisted them into the air, crying out in triumph.

"THEY'RE MINE! I DID IT!"

"…Ahem."

"Oh, right. '_WE'_ DID IT!" She and Utena smiled sweetly at each other, and split the prize between themselves—and since the villain was now disposed of, there was no longer anything that could interrupt them as they resumed their pointless HLS! Wheeeeeeee!

The End 

_Stay tuned for the next installment!_

_Unexpect the expected!_


	10. Bears, Pigs, Mice, and Nameless Gnomes

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

Encouraging taboo lifestyles since August 2nd, 2006.

XXX: Bears, Pigs, Mice, and Nameless Gnomes

Once upon a time, there were three very different brothers, each one marked by his own unique trait, and they all lived in their own private houses with their own private effects, each according to the tastes of the owner. The eldest brother was named Suzuki, and he was a blind mouse who had his tail cut off by a carving-knife. He lived in a house of straw, where all his furniture and belongings were of a certain sturdy or intense degree. The middle brother was named Yamada, and he was a little pig with a hairy chin. He lived in a house of sticks, where all his furniture and belongings were quite opposed to that of his elder sibling, far off on the other end of the scale. The youngest brother was Tanaka, and he was a great big bear who lived in a brick house and had everything in it just right. This is a tale of their adventures with a certain little creature who caused them a great deal of mischief.

The three brothers lived very peacefully for many years until a mean little gnome caught wind of their situation. As most gnomes go, they are cruel pranksters who love causing trouble for those around them, and this one was absolutely no exception! He was by far one of the most wicked, and so he approached the three unsuspecting brothers with delight, already scheming ways to make their lives miserable. But as gnomes go, they are usually small and weak, and cannot stand up against even one brother, let alone three, so they usually employ others to work for them. Again, this one was no exception, and he drew in three wicked sisters to do his bidding.

"I have first called Keiko to my side, because she is most skilled with small insects and knows of many ways to use them for trouble." This he said to himself as his minion Keiko approached; she was happy to disturb the eldest brother, because he had once broken her heart, and she loved revenge. Similarly, the middle brother had caused grief to Aiko, whom the gnome summoned next.

"You above all others know of great and marvelous spells and magic potions. Throw something into his brew that will ruin him!" Aiko was happy to do this, because she, as her sister before her, loathed the brothers. As for the youngest, the gnome called forth Yuko, giving her the chance to exact her own revenge. "Your magic is focused on thieving and stealing trinkets of great value, and so I want you to rob this man blind!" Yuko was happy to do this—the youngest brother had humiliated her many times in the past. O woe to this fraternal triumvirate, and curses be to the sisterly trio who plagues them so, and triple to the gnome, who is still without name!

(It was actually Mitsuru working under Nanami. No surprises there!)

And so the sisters divided themselves and visited each of the brothers in turn. Keiko, with several jars of flies and locusts and roaches in her arms, approached the house of straw where her blind, tailless ex-lover resided. Quietly she knocked, batting eyelashes and making her voice as syrupy as she could.

"Little mouse, little mouse, won't you please let me in?"

"Not by the tail on my rumpy-rump-rump!" Not much of a declaration, seeing as he didn't have a tail, but hey, it _was_ a blind mouse. Then Keiko spoke again, angrier than before.

"If you don't let me in, then my boss will huff, and puff, and blow your house in!"

"Goodness gracious! And me without homeowner's insurance!" This was a tragic turn of events for poor Suzuki, and since he knew the slightest breeze could destroy his place, he let Keiko in. He knew at once he was doomed, for Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and it certainly didn't make things better when she unleashed her insects to cause further destruction. Suzuki ran out of the house screaming, Keiko laughing the entire time, and to make things even worse, the evil gnome came by and blew the house over anyway.

Unaware of the plight of his mousy brother, Yamada the pig was reading quietly by the sunlight, awaiting his afternoon meal. Suddenly he heard a knock, and more startling, a familiar voice calling out to him.

"Little pig, little pig, won't you please let me in?" He rushed up, peeked outside, and jerked away with a grimace as he realized who it was—Aiko, who he had scorned.

"Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!" Not much of a declaration, seeing as he had just shaved that morning. Then Aiko spoke again, angrier than before.

"If you don't let me in, then my boss will huff, and puff, and blow your house in!"

"Heavens to mergatroid!" Yamada exclaimed—and for good reason, since he too did not have homeowner's insurance, nor even fire insurance, which was quite stupid considering his home was flammable. He allowed Aiko in and was stricken with a terrible itching spell, where no matter how hard or how long he scratched, he could never quiet the awful tingling in his skin. He rolled straight out of the house, scratching all the way, with Aiko laughing out loud. And of course, once she had her fun, the wicked old gnome came by and blew the house over anyway—then set fire to it!

But let's face it, you'd probably do the same thing.

Finally there was Tanaka, the great big bear who lived in a brick house, watching television while exchanging information with his stock broker. Not only did he have homeowner's insurance and all kinds of backup insurances (in case of fire, wind, wolves, gnomes, or angry girlfriends), but he had a shotgun and cellular communication—and he was a friggin' _bear_, for crying out loud. When was the last time anyone could confidently threaten a bear?

Yuko tried, make no mistake about that. She first raided Suzuki's tattered house, but found everything too hard or too cold. Then she invaded Yamada's place, but whatever was left was too soft or too hot (the gnome _did_ set the place on fire, mind). Tanaka, she knew, had everything just right, and that made her even more jealous. She went to his front door, desperately trying to act sweet, and rang the bell.

"Who is it?" he called as he peeked through the hole.

"Little bear, little bear, won't you please let me in?" He went to retrieve his shotgun, loaded it, cocked it, and made sure his ex knew about it.

"Not by the claws on my handy-hand-hands. Now get out before I blow your brainy-brain-brains out."

"Suffering succotash!" Yuko exclaimed. "The nameless gnome didn't say anything about this! Well, how about I make you a deal? If you can guess my boss's name in ten tries, I'll go away. But if you can't, you have to let me in."

"Why?" he wondered. Yuko grinned.

"Two words, lover: blackmail!"

"NOT THE CANCUN PHOTOS!"

"The very same! Yes, 'THOSE' photos!" (Let's assume they both know what they're talking about, because I sure don't! Ahem. ) "Well, how about it? Ten guesses, lover. Better start."

"Uh, Jimmy Crackcorn?"

"No."

"John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt?"

"Wrong."

"Kunihiko Ikuhara?"

"Guess again."

"Shinya Hasegawa?"

"Close."

"Chiho Saito?"

"I've never heard of any of those names!" Yuko shouted. Tanaka grumbled and tried again.

"Alan Smithee?"

"Nope. That's six. Only four left."

"Clive Lewis?"

"Only three left."

"Vito Andolini?"

"Only two left."

"……Susan?" Yuko snorted.

"You're not even _trying_, are you?"

"I give up. Rumplestiltskin?"

"You cheated!" she roared, banging hard on his door. "Cheater cheater pumpkin eater!" All this and more she called him, until Tanaka phoned the police and made them take her away. He then got in touch with his brothers and had the police cart away the two other evil sisters, then recovered their assets and chastised them for not buying any insurance at all. As for the gnome, when Tanaka finally guessed his name, the little fellow exploded in a puff of smoke and turned into a statue, and that is how lawn gnomes came into existence!

The End!

_Stay tuned for the next installment!_

_When in doubt, duel!_


	11. A Nutty Cracker

Prologue

Quickly the mad scientist Saionji thrust his hand into the air, a voice rising up from his soul that spoke as one possessed by many demons. To the side, his hunchbacked assistant cowered, the sheer might of this man's wildness like a battering wind. Was it he who caused the storm outside, the fierce lightning and the stabbing rain? Was it he who dared show such audacity, such contempt, such ingratitude—all by reforming this hulking mass, this inhumane sin? Saionji had spent a year assembling and constructing this homunculus, but at last his creation was whole, and he was filled to the very brim with volcanic glee. The abomination needed only to move for his plans to become perfection.

"LIVE, my creation!" he screamed, matching well with the roaring thunder. "LIFE! Do you hear me? GIVE MY CREATION…_LIFE!!!_" The world trembled at his insanity and, perhaps out of fear of repercussion, granted his diabolical request. The flow of energy blasted into the monster at once, and it opened its sinister yellow eyes and grinned at its master, its creator, its father.

"It…it's alive!" Saionji squealed. "It's really alive! MY GOD, _IT'S ALIVE!!!_ Pyotr Ilich Tchaikovsky lives again!!!"

"Um, master?" the hunchback said. "Tell me again—why did you bring Tchaikovsky back to live?"

"Silence, Igor!" screamed the madman. "Don't question science! Now, release his harnesses so that I may glimpse at my creation in all its glory!" Even though he knew it was a bad idea, the hunchback obeyed and freed the monster. Without anything holding it back, the misshapen demon rose up from the table and lurched away, ready to once again wreak harmonious havoc on the world.

"No!" Saionji screamed, "come back! Where are you going? Come back, Pyotr! COME BAAAACK!!!"

He wasn't coming back.

"Oh well, you gotta take the good and the bad in science. Now let's pay another visit to the graveyard, Igor! I'm going to resurrect Ella Fitzgerald!"

"Here we go again," sighed the poor guy.

Al Kristopher and Mr. Toasty presents

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

Dios Is Mockin' Ya.

!!: A Nutty Cracker

Once upon a time, there lived a poor little girl in a poor little family, in a poor little corner of poor little Russia, circa 1900. In this country there lived a wicked king called Lenin, and he did a lot of mean things that made the girl's life miserable, as well as the lives of many other Russians. Every day seemed harder than the last for her, and she had to work for long hours just to keep the family house intact. The only solace came to her during the Christmas season, which was especially bleak for her countrymen, but for the girl, no time was more magical. Her name was Wakaba, and this is the story of how she found her prince and, more or less, lived happily ever after (despite what Juri might believe!).

During one of "Uncle Lenin's" wackier Bolshevik revolutions, the family was staying in a much larger house, owned by the only rich person who treated them kindly, Ms. Tenjou of Moscow and her "handmaiden" Anthy, who was the very first person to wait on Wakaba and her kin. They spent autumn in that house, weathering the political storms raging outside, and soon winter was upon them (in Soviet Russia, winter prepares for you!), ice and snow creating an endless wasteland of white, white, white; there was nothing but snow around for miles. But as children know, there is no force in the world that can stop St. Nicholas, and so when the enchanting Mass drew near, they began to anticipate his arrival all the more.

Oh the balls and the banquets they attended to during that time! Ms. Tenjou was a very kind hostess and allowed Wakaba's entire family to be at every gathering, and soon they saw so much pageantry that they grew wearisome of it. Eventually Tenjou got the idea (poor silly little Utena!) and stopped having them; the family returned to humbler ways to pass their days and nights. On one solemn night, however, Wakaba's eccentric uncle Touga appeared, playacting as the Wintry Saint as he came bounding into the house with a sack full of treats! Oh the shrieks of joy those children made, and how long they lasted!

For each child, Touga delivered a single gift, a reminder of charity and the goodwill that all people must bear towards one another, no matter what the time or season. For Wakaba he gave a hand-carved nutcracker, bright orange and white and gold, its oily face yawning at her in boisterous greeting. She adored it and treasured it above everything else; but even though the other children received very fine things, they were always on the lookout for better possessions, and when something is loved with that amount of affection, no other toy can suffice.

The evening turned into night gradually, guided by Uncle Touga's voice as he wove tales of mystery and magic, where djinns granted wishes and carpets flew, where sailors fought off dragons and maidens were rescued from towers. One by one the children became drowsy and were sent to bed; Anthy personally made sure that her mistress was "tucked in" properly (oh, g'won, you know what I mean!). Wakaba smuggled her precious new toy to bed with her and slept with it at her side, and for a single night, her dreams were pure and beautiful.

Early the next morning, though, she was horrified to discover her treasure was missing! She was sure that one of her brothers had taken it; she had noticed their jealous stares earlier on! Filled with anger, she marched down and caught them in the act: they were playing soldiers with it (ol' Uncle Vladimir would've been so proud!). She dashed herself against them and tried to recapture the doll, but they were barbaric and full of battle-lust, and would not give the toy up without a struggle. Uncle Touga and Ms. Tenjou arrived to break it up, but they were too late: the tug-of-war ended with both sides breaking apart the beautiful nutcracker.

One can only imagine how crestfallen Wakaba felt as her cherished gift was broken. That she was witness to her siblings' punishment didn't help mend wounds or forge together injuries: charity and kindness, as represented by this wooden figurine, had been shattered by greed and jealousy, a fact of life she would remember eternally. Uncle Touga, however, picked Wakaba up and comforted her, and promised to heal the doll's fractured limbs by the next morning. In spite of this, the rest of the day was spent in gloom.

However…

That night…

When the stroke of midnight sounded across the great house…

Something magical happened!

This is where the true story begins…

………

Unable to sleep because of her depression, Wakaba wandered down to the main room where, not long before, the greatest of joys had been ripped apart by her own siblings. In the darkness, she was unable to discern one shadow from the other, and the enveloping quiet gave the house an eerie feel. Gradually the black shapes took on forms, and she could identify things around her that had formerly been invisible. One of them was her cherished nutcracker, lying on the floor waiting for the gentle hands of its maker. Wakaba approached it, wishing to caress it one more time, even if it was a broken doll. Before she could reach it, small patches of darkness started to move, surrounding her and the toy. Her pulse went mad as she dared imagine what exactly they could be.

"Oh my goodness!" she exclaimed (wow, spoken words? Remember those? How long has it been since that weird prologue, anyway?). "They're rats! And they're chewing up my nutcracker toy!" There are fewer things that will make a rat scurry like crazy than a gigantic irate young onion-headed princess—personally I wouldn't like to see the other things. Once they retreated, Wakaba had plenty of time to wonder where they had come from and why they were attacking this treasure, which seemed in even worse shape than before.

"Oh, noble nutcracker prince," she sighed gloomily, "it seems there are many circumstances that find pleasure in my misery. Is there no charity left at all in this world? Yet even you might feel love this night, if I cannot." And she gave her toy a kiss, cradling its broken, gnawed limbs with all of her love. To Wakaba's amazement, the toy nutcracker prince suddenly began to burn with a great brightness, and grew to a stature worthy of the noblest people. She gasped as the wooden figurine became flesh, and breathed, and smiled with utmost joy at the tender-hearted girl who had freed them.

Unfortunately, Wakaba was disappointed. She wasn't expecting _Juri_ to be the prince.

"Umm…what gives?" she said, noticing the lady Arisugawa standing before her, dressed more or less in nutcrackery fashion (including the extremely fake beard strapped around her chin). Juri, still enamored with rapture, bowed properly and kissed the girl's hand.

"I must thank you, dear princess," she said. "I was placed under a horrible curse that removed me from my regal body and placed it into the vessel of a humble wooden toy. The only way to remove the spell was for a maiden of pure heart to demonstrate utmost kindness and love towards me. This you have done, my savior, and I am eternally in your debt because of it."

"Uhh…I think you got the wrong girl," Wakaba tittered. "I'm not a princess. I'm just a victim of Bolshevik misunderstanding and Communist revolution."

"That's what they all say," Juri replied. Again she took Wakaba's hand, eyes glittering with peace and love that, quite frankly, looked very alien on her. "Come with me, my princess, and leave this harsh place behind. I will show you the land where I came from, where you will be hailed as a hero, and where we may yet be wed."

"That's crazy! You're not a prince!"

"But I have a beard."

"It's a fake!" Juri frowned and removed the fake beard. She didn't look very happy, though for some reason, she did seem more elegant and…well, how else to say it? More "real" without the farce. Wakaba smiled and laid her hand upon the girl's smooth chin. "You look…much better like this. A nutcracker princess, eh? And you say you live far away from here?"

"Yes, in a land full of wonders, mystery, and enchantment."

"So it's _not_ West Virginia?"

"Precisely. Come with me, my princess!" At once Wakaba was whisked away from her dreary life, and transported to the kingdom of the nutcracker princess, which was even more fabulous than she described. Beauty surrounded her, literally in every direction she could think to look, and even catching a glimpse of herself in a crystalline lake provided shock: Wakaba was now dressed in a glittering gown, the type even Ms. Tenjou did not own! Smiling at her savior and potential love interest, the nutcracker princess whisked Wakaba away, where they met the most interesting characters—including…

Kozue the Sugar-Plum Fairy (complete with tacky felt wings and plastic wand with cardboard star-shaped tip!)

Grossly stereotypical dancing Chinese mushroom Mitsuru (with rickshaw!!)

Ballerina-girl Shiori (with super karate tutu and psychological torture action!)

Wealthy Middle East Oil Merchant Miki (harem not included)

Transforming Czarina Nanami (becomes bovine before your very eyes!)

Chu-Chu the Clown (keep out of reach of children and cookies)

And all those other people coming together for a final dance number completely ripped off from a superior franchise

"Wow!" Wakaba exclaimed as she observed all this. "Is this really where you live?"

"Yes," said Juri. She took Wakaba into her arms and gave the young girl a charming smile. "Now please, my princess, give me the honor of this dance." Wakaba breathlessly accepted—and oh, how like Zephyr upon the world's tickling fancies did they move, like the bolt of Artemis piercing each cerulean breast, like the glittering eyes of God beaming down alight, like Astaire and Rogers—only lesbianized! They might have engaged each other in harmonious rapture for all of time if Wealthy Middle East Oil Merchant Miki (harem not included) hadn't bothered them.

"Excuse me, Miss Juri? May I ask a question?"

"Go ahead, but make it quick. I have to propose to my bride before the ballet ends." (Wakaba gasped and fanned herself with glee!)

"Yes, it'll just take a second. Why were _you_ chosen to be the Nutcracker, anyway? Why not Saionji or Touga—or me?"

"I'll tell you why," she replied.

THWACK!!

"Ow! My lightsaber!"

"That's why," she stated. At last the dance ended, with poor Miki groaning on the floor and everyone else more or less engrossed with the two dancing princesses. They were both gasping, from love and music and enchantment, and soon their breaths were gone completely as Juri knelt down, Wakaba's hand cradled in her palms, and asked The Question that had been in her heart since she was first released from her prison.

"Wakaba?"

"Y-yes?" she croaked. Suddenly, Zombie Tchaikovsky burst through the cheap scenery and went on a rampage.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!" Juri screamed. Everyone suddenly ran in a panic as the monster destroyed everything in sight.

"RRAARRGH! Tchaikovsky smash! Get revenge on world!" The monster continued his terror until his sights were fixed on the author, and with a final lunge, overcame him and ended the story.

The End 

_Stay tuned for the next installment!_

It's got pirates! 

Epilogue

Exhaling relief and contentment for a job well done, Miki dusted his hands off and stood amazed at how much good had happened since that terrifying zombie was discovered. With the beast no more and the damage repaired, a nice hot bath seemed in order, so he quietly sauntered away, off-stage. Suddenly, Saionji came sprinting from the distant background, calling out Miki's name until he nearly crashed into him.

"Miki, Miki! Miki!" Young Kaoru was outraged with shock and nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Saionji! No, it can't be! I just sent you back to the Christmas future!"

"Yes, I know!" Saionji replied, "I know you sent me back to the Christmas future—but I'm back, Miki, I'm back _from_ the Christmas future!" With this incalculable revelation, Miki stood aghast, his mind spiraling.

"Great Scott!" And with that, he fainted, leaving Saionji the dubious task of reviving him.


	12. Duelists of ye Symbolically Shaped Table

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

Thirty-two percent more fractured than the leading fairy tale spoof.

The Dozeneth Part: Duelists of the Symbolically-Shaped Table

Once upon a time, in the mythical realm of Tantagel, there lived a young lady named Utena Tenjou. This girl was a princess by birth, though nobody knew about it, since she had been raised as a stable-girl all her life by her adopted parents. Young Utena had two brothers who would later become great knights, the famed Red Knight Touga and the dashing Green Knight Saionji. For most of her young life, Utena had been in the shadow of her elder brothers; they garnered the favor of their father, who was training his boys to be warriors in the service of the king, and his daughter as their squire and maid. This was the custom of the land, though, so nobody objected.

When Utena turned fourteen years old, a mysterious and wizened old sage named Akio suddenly appeared at—

"Hold on," said Akio, interrupting suddenly. "This feels very familiar. Didn't I play a mysterious wizened old sage before?"

"I think you did," Utena told him as she polished her brothers' armor. "Now I remember: you were the sagacious mentor to the young upstart and star of chapter…six, I believe. You were Akiobi-wan Kenobi!"

"I was a living spoof," he grumbled miserably. "And now I get the exact same role. I'm starting to feel like Nanami."

Meanwhile… 

If it cannot break out of its shell, a chick will die without being born.

We are the chick; the world is our egg.

If we don't crack the world's shell, we will die without truly being born.

Smash the world's shell—for the revolution of the world!

"I swear," Juri grumbled, "if I hear that just one more time, I'm going to stab Touga's eyeballs." She cast her face aside, where a feather lightly blew against her exposed hand.

"It's not his fault he's repetitive," Miki replied, twirling two feathers in his fingers. "It's just that Touga likes his rituals, and there are always certain formalities that need to be met when we get together like this."

"That's exactly right," Nanami stated, resting a crown of feathers on her head. "My brother would never do anything that was lazy or halfhearted. Every formality would have its time and place. If you're so sick, Juri, maybe you should just quit."

"Your hostility is ineffective," Juri murmured, brushing the feather aside.

"Hostility? I'm just suggesting what you can do to fix the problem."

"As if you would ever take your own advice." As the dense silence permeated the air, waiting for the eruption, a flock of birds passed directly overhead, sending a heavenly fall of down upon the duelists.

"Don't get so upset," she said instead. "You know I wasn't serious, Juri. You're a valued member of the school council. My brother respects you and recognizes your talent, and so do I. I just disagree with your means of…expression."

"Funny for one who always expects others to listen to her point of view."

Miki sneezed suddenly, breaking the tension.

"Excuse me," he said. "I think I must have an allergy."

"To our discussion?"

"No," he sniffled. "These feathers."

And now… 

"Well, how Nanami _used_ to feel," Akio remedied. "In any case, I suppose I can play the part one more time. I can't be too terribly picky. So tell me, young lady, what do you know of the world?"

"The…world?" Akio drew her close, so sharply that it nearly snapped her neck back.

"Let me tell you things about the world which no mortal alive knows. Then you will understand just how incongruous destiny is…and perhaps you will discover the means to change it to your whims."

"Look," she said, averting her gaze from his charming smile, "I'm just a servant-girl. I don't want power and I wouldn't know what to do with it anyway. But thanks for offering." Sheepishly she backed away, but Akio wasn't defeated yet. His smile deepened, and he committed himself to patience, as the time for his intervention would soon come…

………

Not long after, a grand tournament was sponsored by the steward of the castle Tantagel. There had not been a king in the realm for a generation, and with no king, the land had plunged into darkness and decay. No living heir could be found to assume the throne, in spite of a legend that had grown up in the area. Years ago, a great sword had been thrust into a stone and anvil by the previous king, and whosoever could pull it out again would be crowned the rightful ruler and successor to the throne. As the age passed, many great men tried to take the sword as their own, yet they all failed, and the legend and the sword both became shrouded and forgotten. Because of this, the steward hosted the tournament, in the hopes of finding a worthy king amongst the warriors.

Both of Utena's brothers entered, and she was their squire, and seemed content to do so. Akio was absent, though he had drifted in and out of her life over the course of time, sometimes dropping bits of knowledge and information about the world, and destiny, and dull things like that. The arena was crowded enough without him, and Utena even recognized some of the other knights from her brothers' tales: mightiest among them were Dame Juri the brave, Sir Miki the pure, Dame Nanami the tenacious, and Sir Mitsuru the small. Intently did Utena observe the fights, never flinching or wavering no matter how dangerous they became, until her eldest brother Touga defeated Sir Mitsuru, breaking his sword in the process.

"Squire!" he called, summoning Utena. "That noble warrior put up a more terrible fight than I had anticipated, and his skill curst the mighty steel of my blade. Pray find another whilst I recover what strength the match stole."

"Brother Touga and most honorable knight," she addressed, "forgive my disagreeable response, but father carried no spare weapons for either of thee. I have naught left to retrieve!"

"Then find one left alone by another warrior, or barter something with it, or make one yourself!"

"But brother!" He suddenly wheeled around and glared at her full force.

"This is a matter of honor for me! Fly, thou devil, before my gauntlet strikes your fair cheek!" Utena dashed away like a beaten dog, desperately searching for a sword—or failing that, anything that could pass for one in a pinch. Whether by Akio's magic or her own poor sense of direction, she found herself wandering away from the tournament, into the outlying woods that held the fabled sword in the stone. She discovered it after quite a period of stumbling, for the forest was dark and difficult to navigate: but at last she beheld it, and cried out for joy.

Had things been different for Utena and she were an educated woman, she would have known what sword this was and the full significance of it; but she was ignorant on this matter, and drew it out without difficulty or hesitation. She then quickly rushed back to the tournament, making it just in time for her brother's next performance. She expected him to praise her well for the serendipitous find, but instead he stared at it intently.

"Utena," he said, addressing her informally, "where did you get this?"

"I found it jammed into a stone and anvil, in the forest."

"What did she say?!" Saionji blurted. "You mean to say that you actually _pulled_ the king's sword out from the stone?! That's impossible!" The two young men were shouting by this point, and mention of the forgotten sword of legend spread quickly among the spectators. A few of them had been living when the blade was cast into the rock; others knew the legend by heart, and believed that Touga had secretly snuck away to remove the sword. They were ready to crown him king when Saionji objected.

"Just hold on a second!" he screamed. "I know for a fact that you didn't pull the blade out. You were here with me the entire time, brother!"

"But you didn't have your eyes on me all the time," he countered. "Perhaps, in a moment of distraction, I stole away and broke the curse on this blade."

"Let me be a witness to this," called Sir Miki as he joined the debate. "I did not see who pulled the blade out, but I did see this young woman bring it forth. Young lady, what is your name?"

"Utena, sir."

"Utena, did you see who pulled the sword from that stone?"

"Yes sir, I was the one who did it." (She still didn't know what was going on, and thought very little of the whole ordeal until the entire crowd broke out in a fury.)

"That's a lie! A woman can't be a king!"

"Uther Pendragon didn't even _have_ a daughter!"

"I say it's a forgery!"

"Prove it! Prove it!" The crowd roared in support, and soon they were all chanting for proof. Even Miki and Saionji agreed, and so with the population behind this new idea, the sword was taken back into the stone and placed there by Touga. He was first invited to pull the sword back out again, but failed; and the crowd roared with laughter as he fell backwards from exerting so much of his strength.

"Now you," Miki said, indicating Saionji. He fared no better; and in fact Miki tried himself, and invited anyone else who wished to participate into the event. Then finally Utena was called forth, and an awesome silence fell over the crowd as she slipped the blade out as easily as if it had just been greased. Even then nobody believed her, and so the sword was placed in the stone again, and everyone put forth their efforts again, and Utena pulled it out again. This happened three times before the crowd finally became satisfied, and knelt down before their new king.

"HOLD IT!!"

Naturally, Nanami groaned.

"WHAT now, Juri?"

"A woman can't be king," she replied, sipping a cup of strawberry tea.

"All right, so she'll be _Queen_ Arthur or something! Why do you always have to nitpick?"

"Actually, I just thought of something. Shouldn't the legendary sword be embedded in the rose bride's chest? The sword in this stone grants the power of revolution, sort of, so shouldn't it be in Anthy's chest in this version?" (Miki, of course, was terribly bright red at this point)

"Th-that's just crazy. This story has been very faithful to the entire Arthurian legend, so why would it deviate now? Besides, wouldn't Excalibur be more like the Sword of Dios? The sword in the stone is a completely different weapon."

"Hey, wait a second," Nanami said. "If you're here, then who's back there in the story?"

"I can answer that easily," he replied coolly. "Have you ever heard of the 'Flintstone's clause'? Basically, when a character absolutely has to be in two places at once, they will often run between those two places, spending anywhere between a few seconds and three minutes in each. Every time the Flintstone's clause is cited, the user often believes their plan is foolproof, and is usually proved wrong. However, there's a loophole in the clause that a few certain people can take advantage of."

"What in Ikuhara's green Earth are you talking about?" Nanami said.

"I'm talking about twins," he answered smoothly. "Basically, I'm here and my sister is over there. We can switch any time and nobody will be the wiser. We used to do it a lot when we were kids."

"So that's…Kozue back there in the story?" Juri indicated.

"Yes, it certainly is."

"Oh." Juri smiled faintly. "Just so you know, she's making out with Touga."

"WHAT!!" Miki spat out his drink so hard that he fell out of his chair. Nanami calmly sighed. She had received the brunt of the spray.

"Mitsuru!" she called. Immediately the young boy rushed to her side, a towel and hair dryer in hand.

"Here you go, ma'am. I also brought a change of clothes and the chocolates you asked for."

"Oh, Mitsuru!" she giggled playfully, "you spoil me far too much! But don't ever stop, okay?"

"Let's just get back to the story," Juri murmured, finishing her tea off. "This interlude has lasted far too long. Oh, and Mitsuru?"

"Yes ma'am?"

"Get Miki an ambulance."

And so, the years passed, and the land of Tantagel ushered in a new golden age under its beloved ruler, King Utena Pendr—

"That's QUEEN!" Juri shouted. Oh, right: _Queen_ Utena Pendragon. Whatever. Anyway, now that the rightful Ki—uhh, _ruler_ was on the throne, something could finally be done about that awful dark age. The people could be set free from the unjust tyranny that was running rampant across their land: foreign enemies were driven out, boundaries were fought over and claimed, shadows were cast aside, and terrors were turned to joys. Of course, a famous deed cannot exist without someone to accomplish it, and Utena had the all-star cast of a lifetime backing her up.

Her very first act as Queen of Tantagel was to knight her adopted brothers, Touga and Saionji, for they had proved their worth to her many times and she knew she could trust them (c'mon, don't make that face). Next she knighted Sir Miki, and all the worthy knights there, suspiciously gathering characters from a certain animated series into her so-called "round table". Finally, when she became old enough, Utena fought for and won the hand of the fairest damsel in all the land, the Bride of Roses herself, Anthy Himemiya. So I guess that makes our heroine a lesbian. Who'd'a thunk it?

For your reference… 

Utena King Arthur

Anthy Queen Gwenivere

Akio Merlin

Touga Sir Kay

Saionji Sir Gawain

Miki Sir Bedivere

Kozue Sir Bedivere's suspiciously feminine stunt double

Juri Sir Lancelot

Mitsuru Sir Galahad (just play along; I know he's Lancelot's son)

Nanami Sir Not Appearing in This Story

Everybody got that? Good.

After fighting to maintain peace for many years, Queen Utena and her consort of loyal knights were given a quest, mandated by the Lord God Himself (Ikuhara in this case). They were charged with the task of—you'll never guess—finding the Holy Grail!

"No, wait a minute," said Saionji, plucking a shabby-looking wooden cup from the round table. "Look, see? The Grail's here. I found it!"

"Give that to me!" snapped Mitsuru as he grabbed the cup. Instantly he was taken into Heaven, because the cup is magical like that. Saionji and most everyone else at the table froze when the celestial choir and strange shafts of white light faded away, leaving Mitsuru's place at the table empty.

"Well," he managed, gawking openly. "I didn't expect that to happen. What do we quest after next?"

"Let's see," said Sir Miki, pulling out a charter with the words "Ye Olde Scavenger Hunte" on it. He read thus: "'Whosoever doth finde ye olde Holy Grail which was…' blah-blah-blah, 'locate yon emerald scepter in ye old tomb of dead king', blah-blah-blah, 'license plates from all fifty American states', blah-blah-blah…ah! Here we are! Finally, something worth questing over!"

"What? What is it?" asked Juri.

"Akio's car keys!!"

THONK!!!

"Well," he muttered, "_he_ never seems to find them. And her royal highness did say that the sage Akio came to her in a dream, bidding her search for them."

"I could've sworn this happened in the movie," Touga muttered.

"Let's at least give it a try," said Utena, and everyone agreed with her because she was the perfect star of the show. And so, the knights of the round table set out on…

THE QUEST FOR AKIO'S CAR KEYS!

……

Now, before the story continues, I (the author) would like to make a suggestion to all those concerned (that's you, slick). I realize that most of you have gotten into this story simply to see yet another salute/parody/bad recreation of a certain Python Monty production. Well, get all those ideas out of your head at once, please. This is going to be a very serious story for once that will do its damnedest to follow the Arthurian legend as closely as possible, with some "minor" deviations along the way, purely in the means of artistic exercise and reader enlightenment. Once again, throw away every preconceived notion you may have had. I can wait.

Thank you.

With the quest now in hand, Queen Utena and her entire entourage of Round Table knights set out on their journey, mandated and blessed by Almighty God and not quite so mighty Akio, to locate the mystical car keys that would undoubtedly unlock some kind of fantastic treasure, one easily worth the price of several Holy Grails. They started their journey by looking under the Royal Castle Doormat, since most of the knights figured Akio just left them there or forgot about them. Their discoveries were discouraged, though, since they found only nothingness underneath; but they remained undaunted in their search.

Saionji wandered into one of the billions of enchanted forests they had in those days, and ran afoul of a Green Knight, who challenged him to a game of "Who can chop off the other guy's head faster?". Never one to be beaten so readily, Saionji simply thrust a stick of dynamite into the knight's visor, and ran away giggling like a little weenie. Take THAT, nature! Another magnificent deed was committed by Juri, who received a dire message from enemy territory, stating that a band of brigands was poised to overrun the kingdom. She found their hideout, slaughtered everyone, and came to rescue the princess they had captured—only to realize she was in the wrong evil hideout. Whoops.

Nanami and Touga committed themselves to a secret (and morbidly disgusting) love affair, until one day Nanami became pregnant with the evil Mordred, who eventually rose up to power, toppled Camelot, tricked Lancelot into betraying king and country for a woman, and mortally wounded his own uncle-liege in a struggle to the bitter end. After getting that out of his system, he settled somewhere in the East Indies and sold straw hats for a living. Mention this story and the first one's free!

Yes, it was a glorious age to be a knight in Medieval Britain, even though technically we all know that most British princesses are ugly spoiled brats, castles have a bad habit of crumbling overnight, the church forbade you to do anything to anybody at anytime, dragons were overrated, and worst of all, it was a crime to bathe and the punishment was, ironically, a water torture device. On the plus side, there were plenty of hot elves, and you always got the girl if you were a knight, even if you were uglier than an elephant's backside.

But moving on…

"Your majesty," said Saionji one day as the merry entourage was riding, "we have searched the lands high and low, from distant northern shores to the glittering eastern skies; from the rolling thunderous hills of the west to the foreign territories of the south, and yet we have not come across any trace or clue of the keys we have quested for. Time has worn us on, and we are not the men and women of youth that we once were."

"What's your point?" Utena asked him.

"My lady and onetime sister, the other knights wonder whether there are even keys to be found, or if their importance is worth this search, or if they are even in this realm at all, and not in some place we've never heard of."

"Have they such little faith?" she retorted, half-glaring at the warrior ensemble. "Each one of these good knights were here when the Lord God Almighty gave us blessing for this journey. Each one was witness to that miracle! If they have doubts now, then let them cast themselves out of my service, for I shall not have such fair-weathered friends."

"The Queen speaks strong truth, Saionji," Juri said as she joined them. "But your majesty, Sir Saionji has wisdom as well. What more do we know about these keys, other than what Almighty God and not quite so mighty Akio stated? That in itself is little, and with little word we can do little to act."

"Tis' on faith we go, though even I question this all," she admitted. "Sir Miki, your wisdom is simple and pure. What opinion do you have of this new venture?" As Miki came riding beside, his stunt double not far behind, a look of clarity and gentleness was in his eyes, like he had been given news by the angels.

"My lady, in all our travels, we have not seen the desired item—but along the way, many other quests presented themselves, and we as knights could not bear to turn aside without first attending to these. Perhaps it was through this greater quest that……that…" He trailed off numbly, staring at something in the far distance. Utena, Juri, and Saionji wondered what it could be and looked in the direction Miki faced.

"Strange," said Saionji. "I see a building that doth move. Pray, your highness, what significance is this? Tis' a marvel I've never seen." Suddenly, a cabinet drawer shot out of the building, crashing into and killing Saionji instantly. Everyone else gawked at the sight and drew their weapons.

"Good Lord!" yelled Miki. "The Crimson Permanent Assurance!!" Suddenly a gang of elderly pirates swung out from the office building, roaring and screaming for blood as they attacked the knights. A terrific rousing score burst forth and blossomed, and it was pirates against knights the rest of the way. Heralding them all was their dreaded Captain, the one and only…

"Wakaba?" Utena's face twisted as she identified her best friend as the leader of the gang.

"No, that's _Captain_ Wakaba!" she exclaimed. "Now avast, ye landlubbers! Parley if you value your lives, or the Jolly Roger will claim all ye brigands and send ye to Neptune's lair!" The knights launched a brutal counterattack, but the elderly pirates were wiry and experienced, their spirits raised by so many previous victories. Each of the knights were hard-pressed to defend their king and country and… Aw, who the hell am I kidding, they weren't fighting for lofty goals and justice! Every single person there was fighting for a jolly good romantic time! Arr!

"Board their ship!" Utena commanded. "Seize them! Fight to the last man!"

"Aww, no fair!" Wakaba whined. "She gets all the cool lines. Okay, I won't be defeated! Pirates, attack by the hundreds, attack by the thousands! Fight until your arms fall off, every mother's son of you!" A mighty cheer rose up from both camps, and the battle heated up as the knights of the round table scrambled onto the Permanent Assurance Building.

Sir Touga fought three of the old seadogs by himself, fending off each of their cutlasses with his sword, taking swings and jumping nimbly. Two of them came at him directly, brandishing their weapons; the third circles around like a wild dog, slamming his scimitar down until Touga tripped backwards. Reaching out to grasp onto something, his hands closed over a thick cord of rope. Quickly he cut away at the very bottom, and flew away laughing, swinging his sword at anything in his way. At the very top of his ascent, he jumped away and landed square on the crow's nest, where his reward for such heroics was to face two more of the pirates in mortal combat.

Miki and Kozue were now fighting back to back, literally surrounded by more pirates than they could count. Three or four of the younger ones ganged up on Kozue and leered at her; a few arms were able to reach over and pinch her dress, but she warded them off with her sword. Meanwhile, as embarrassing as it was, Miki was experiencing the exact same thing, and his reaction was no more different, nor any less violent. In the heat of the battle, Kozue found a lantern next to her and smashed it on one of the dirty old men's heads; Miki kicked one in the stomach, and when he fell over, those behind him were bowled down as well.

Even Utena and Anthy were occupied (not in _that_ way, pervert). Wakaba's second-in-command, the First Mate Shiori, had them trapped and was desperately hacking away. Utena had actually fought her before, long ago, but now she seemed different, stronger, more enabled of her own abilities and not the talents of others. She harshly kicked the noble queen in the shins and slapped her with the flat of her rapier, branding a hot red wound on her cheek. Anthy wailed in terror and attended to her beloved, turning her back on Shiori for but a moment.

"Don't worry, this won't hurt," she assured her queen. Shiori snuck up from behind and cackled.

"My sentiments exactly. See you in Hell!" Before she could strike, though, Anthy whirled around and caught the rapier in her bare hands. She glared so hotly that even Shiori backed away in fear.

"_Nobody_ hurts my Utena," she snarled. Suddenly, a gigantic octopus tentacle shot out of the water and wrapped around Shiori, then dragged her back down into the briny deep. Smiling cutely, Anthy thanked her friend, returned to Utena, and resumed recovery, offering plenty of kisses along the way. Awwwwww.

Finally, it came down to the climactic clash between Juri, Utena's best knight, and the Captain of the Crimson Permanent Assurance, Wakaba herself. Their swords swung majestically in the bright shining air; their faces became wet with perspiration, and burned with the passion of warriors; their legs twisted and danced together, backing away or dancing forth to lunge, plunge, skew, and thrust. They both seemed evenly-matched against each other, even as they flirted with the razor's kiss and blood started to gush out freely from their wounds. Together they ascended the staircase up to the poop deck, fighting each other valiantly each harrowing step of the way.

Once they found level ground, their duel continued with renewed ferocity. The chaos below and around them seemed to drown out the more intense they were, and yet one could believe their faces glowed from the joy and rush of the situation. Finally Juri seemed to gain an advantage, and plunged forth to finish off her foe—yet Wakaba was quick, and flicked out a small knife to stop the other woman in her tracks. The two warriors paused, their blades tickling each other's necks, as they considered what to do next. Then, Juri smiled craftily, as if nothing else had ever brought her pleasure.

"You're good, pirate."

"And you as well, fair knight. So do we take the final step and end this war in a bloody finale?"

"I have a better idea," said Juri. At once they dropped their swords, drew each other close together, and started making out like the world was going to end. Everyone froze and stared; Utena screamed.

"JURI! HOW COULD YOU?!" The redhead just laughed and went back for more.

Nanami sez: "That's all, folks!"

_But stay tuned next time!_

_Otherwise all these people go back to working at conventions!_


	13. Squatting Tailor, Unseen Liar

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

Give chance a peace…of your mind!

Twelve Plus One: Squatting Tailor, Unseen Liar

Utena Tenjou took a great heaving sigh of relief: it had been a busy week for her.

"Aww, you're just not used to it yet," Wakaba assured her. Utena really didn't know who else to confide in, because everyone else seemed busy or distant, or unable to relate to how tired she felt. Having the main part in a fairy-tale spoof drove her energy away, like no other sporting event had. Of course, she didn't want to sound like she was complaining, but when a person's weary, they can't help but focus on themselves a bit, or their situation. Wakaba understood; she helped Utena along, because even this little gesture of kindness made her feel special.

"Once you get used to it," she said, most sagely, "it'll be easy, like second nature. And who knows, you and I might be paired up in the next one."

"Paired up?"

"Yeah, you know! Utena and Wakaba, destined to be together forever, my one true love!"

"Cut it out," Utena giggled, praying her friend wasn't serious. "Speaking of which, what is the next production, anyway?"

"I hear it's going to be 'The Brave Little Tailor'. I'm pretty sure whoever's producing it will figure out _lots_ of ways to make that one look ridiculous!"

"The Brave Little Tailor? I've never heard that fairy tale."

"I'm not surprised," Wakaba said. "It's not exactly famous, like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. If you want, I could give you the short version of the story, and you could try out for it if you're interested."

"Okay, sounds good." Wakaba cleared her throat and took a little swig of water, entering into her storyteller mode. Seeing as how she wasn't a great captivator of hearts and minds, and she usually got off track when regaling tales of yore, the tale she told wasn't exactly accurate—but basically, it went something like this…

……

Once upon a time, there was a very clever but very poor tailor. He lived in a small house in a cramped, stinky part of town, yet he was the most skilled man of his craft, and very handsome as well. I know—let's call him "Saionji" for now!

"You're very kind," said the Brave Little Tailor. "Of course, I am everything you say I am, and more." You bet! Anyway, one day he was making his usual breakfast of bread and jam, but he was so busy with his work that he had to put the food aside. Since it was a warm day and he kept all the windows open, a swarm of flies came darting into his shop, and hovered around his meal. Saionji saw them, and with a mighty heroic stroke, slashed at them with his super-cool ultimate Fly-swatter!

"Take that, you thieving rascals!" he exclaimed, looking so gorgeous in the breaking dawn light. To his amazement, all of the flies were destroyed with that single blow—seven altogether, each one squashed by his efforts. Saionji—umm, I mean, the Tailor was so awesome!

"Well, would you look at that," he said, proud of his accomplishment. "Seven in one blow! Why, the people of this country must be made aware of this mighty task! One such as I may even be praised for my valiant efforts!" And so, because the tailor was _totally_ right about everything he just said, he completed the shirt he had been working on and stitched his boast in large letters on the center: SEVEN IN ONE BLOW.

……

"That sounds like Saionji, all right," Utena muttered. "He would be proud for swatting flies. And Anthy would probably be upset about it."

"That's the one thing I was never able to understand about her," Wakaba stated. "Generally she's a nice girl, but she literally wouldn't even harm a fly! Now why do you suppose that is? Even if she were in danger, she'd just let the poor creature live, even if it cost her own life!"

"Maybe," Utena whispered; she didn't want to think about Anthy being in danger. "But getting back to the story, how did so many people react to what the tailor did? Did any of them ever find out the truth?"

"You'll find out in a second!" Wakaba exclaimed brightly.

……

The next day, Saionji—I mean, the _tailor_—took the day off, because he had been working very hard and needed some fresh air and sunshine. No sooner had he circled the block did dozens of people crowd around, noticing the words sewn on his shirt. "Seven in one blow!" they exclaimed. "What do you suppose it means?"

"I think it means he slew seven warriors!"

"Maybe it's seven dragons!"

"Or seven giants!"

"Do you think…seven psychotic ninja mutant porcupines who shoot bees from their mouth and lightning from their ass?"

……

"Wakaba!!"

"Sorry," she giggled, "I'm just playing. Anyway, by the end of the day, the whole town had heard of this accomplishment, and wondered what it meant. The brave little tailor was very careful not to tell anyone, because as soon as his secret was discovered, he knew he'd stop being so popular. It wasn't that he had killed seven of anything in one blow—it was the mystery, and nothing keeps people on their toes like a mystery!"

"But somebody had to find out _eventually_, didn't they?"

"Well…"

……

When word got around to the King, he sent for this tailor at once. The King was very impersonal and had very little to do with his subjects, but a man who could slay seven of anything in one blow deserved his attention. Saionji was so beau…uh, I mean the _tailor_ was beautiful when he went to see the King, and I think the King noticed it too!

"Saionji," said the King, "I see you claim to be some great warrior. My kingdom is in need of great warriors, for there is an evil giant that lives here who nobody is brave enough to stand up against! Will you go and battle him?"

"Yes, King Touga!" replied the tailor boldly. (Yes, Utena, the King _was_ Touga. Is that a problem?) "Because I am so great and mighty, I will go and kill this giant, and any others you have to throw at me! Then I will come back and have hot steamy man-on-man sex with you!" (Oh be quiet, Utena, and let me tell you the story the way I want to!) He then set out at once to confront the evil giant! Along the way, he used his sharp wit and good looks to bring happiness and fortune to all those he encountered! Well…I won't get into the details, but trust me, it was all heroic!!

Many days later, after he made a name for himself in the kingdom, the brave little tailor finally met the giant! But this was no ordinary giant—it was a giant female cow! (No, it wasn't Nanami! It was, uh…Ronnie! Yeah, Ronnie the cow!) The giant cow, who was very evil and ugly, roared at the dashing hero and attacked him. "Seven in one blow?!" she screamed. "Just who do you think you are!!" But Saionji was too fast for her! Swish-swish, with a mighty blow he destroyed the giant! (Be quiet, Utena! Who knows this story better, you or me?)

All right, if you want the truth, here it is—but my version's better! "Let's have a contest of skill," Saionji suggested. "If you can beat me at three games, then you can eat me up whole. But if I win, you have to give me a treasure." The giant cow didn't think she'd lose, being so enormous, and so she agreed. Boy, that was a dumb mistake!

"First," said the tailor, "let's try squeezing water out of a rock. Please, you go first, my good lady." The cow chose a very large boulder and crushed it with her mighty weight, but only a slim trickle of water came out, probably left there by condensation. The tailor then pulled out a large chunk of cheese from his jacket and squeezed it hard, until milk came pouring out!

"There you have it!" he exclaimed. Mmm, Saionji slathered with milk. Ahhh… Oh! Where was I? Oh yeah! Then he said: "You squeezed water from a rock, but I have milk! Isn't that proof enough of my skill?"

"Not so fast!" said the cow. "There are two games left. What's your second one?"

"Oh, this one you should win with no problem," he said, looking so dashing. He told the cow that they were going to have a throwing contest, and whoever could throw a rock the highest in the air would win. The cow took a little stone nearby and flung it up so high that it almost didn't come down. But eventually it did, and wicked old Nanam—um, I mean, the _cow_ laughed. "Beat that!" she said—but the heroic tailor was already a step ahead of her! He pulled a little pigeon from his pouch and threw it into the air, and of course the pigeon flew up and didn't come back down.

By now the giant cow was aghast, and rightfully so! She was up against Saionji, after all! (Yes, yes, we all know he's really a tailor. Don't interrupt me so much, Utena!) After calming down, she agreed to the third and final game! Uhh, but since I don't remember what that was, let's just say that Saionji won that part and beat the giant! Hey, don't give me that look, Utena! It's been awhile since I heard the whole story!

Anyway, the giant cow explained to the tailor that her treasure was in a cave, but before he could go back, he needed to bring firewood, and asked the tailor for help. In the end, the giant cow chopped down a great tree, and had the tailor carry it back with her. Once again, Saionji proved to be the smartest man alive, and suggested the giant pick up the trunk, which would be easier, while he took the branches, which would be far more difficult. And since Nanami's such a fool, she went for it, all the time not suspecting a thing! Cute little Saionji rode on the branches the whole way, and with the weight of the trunk on her shoulders, the giant cow couldn't peek around to see if the tailor was really carrying the tree or not. In this way, they made it to the giant's cave.

Instead of treasure, though, there must've been at least three other giants there waiting for them. But they weren't just any giants, they were giant _elephants_: Suzuki, Yamada, and Tanaka! After bringing the tree in, Nanami the evil giant cow introduced them to the tailor, and whispered her evil thoughts to them! But Saionji was way too smart to be taken in by them, and so he devised a new plan to outsmart them! Soon night fell, and his plan went into motion as each giant went to sleep.

Saionji…you wouldn't believe it…but he poisoned every single one of them in their sleep and came out with trophies all around!!! Okay, so that's not what really happened: he actually threw his voice around and made like the giants were arguing amongst themselves, until a huge fight broke out that sent the world shaking! The giants ended up killing themselves, and Saionji was the victor for real this time! (Yes, Utena, that's really how the story goes. I'm not making it up!)

With proof of his victory in hand, Saionji returned to the king, more a hero now than before! Touga never expected that this humble little tailor could defeat one giant, much less four, but the proof was right there before him! After having beautiful man-sex for a week straight, Touga crowned Saionji his Vice-King and they lived happily ever after!

Okay, okay, I'll tell you what _really_ happened. You're so boring, Utena! Touga did reward Saionji, but he gave him his daughter's hand in marriage instead. "Anyone who can complete so valiant a task deserves to be king when I am gone," he said, although I'm sure they would've made a better couple. But I digress. Eventually Saionji and the princess were married, and for awhile everything was happy. What was the princess' name? How should I know?

But something changed one night. After giving the princess the greatest sex of her life, again, the two fell asleep and dreamed of many things. The princess suddenly awoke, though, and began to hear her husband whispering. "Finish stitching this cloak, boy, or I'll box your ears!" he said, and a whole lot of other things tailors say to their apprentices. What a shocker! The princess had married a common little tailor! She felt ashamed, and so the next day, she told the guards all about this (see, this is why I didn't make myself the princess. I'll have Saionji no matter _what_ he is!). They secretly plotted to kill him while he slept, but even then, our heroic tailor was able to escape death and come out triumphant.

That night, after giving his startled wife even better sex than before, the two fell asleep—but Saionji only pretended! Once he felt the guards were outside his door, he pretended to snore and talk in his sleep, making sure he was loud enough to be heard. "Oh my!" he exclaimed, "Seven in one blow, seven in one blow. Were they devils, or dragons, or great warriors? What if they were samurai? Did I kill seven samurai in one blow?"

Meanwhile… 

"HET-CHOO!!"

"Gesundheit," Shichiroji said. Heihachi sniffled and wiped his nose.

"Thanks."

And now, the story! 

"Ugh, I'll never tell," Saionji said, pretending to talk in his sleep. "But that's not all. I committed acts of heroism across the land. I squeezed milk from a rock. I threw up a stone and it never came down. I lifted a redwood on my shoulders. I killed four giants and presented them to the king, and right now I can sense the guards standing right out my door! I hope they're not going to harm me, the man who killed seven in one blow…"

Needless to say, nobody ever bothered the heroic tailor again after that day. And his wife, of course, had no complaints either.

……

"The end!" Wakaba exclaimed, finally finished with the story. Utena didn't exactly look impressed, but at least she gave Wakaba credit for trying.

"That was…interesting," she admitted. "But are you sure that's accurate?"

"Certainly!" Wakaba stated. "Whaddya take me for, some embellisher? Anyway, that's pretty much the whole story. You gonna try out for it?"

"Nah, I think I'll pass. It seems all the best roles are already taken."

"Hey, I had to give the characters a more familiar touch! That way, we could both understand the perspective more. Anyway, I'm not going to try out either—I'm way too busy."

"Why?" Utena said, smiling cutely. "You going on a date?"

"Actually, yes, I am. Thanks for asking."

"Oh, who with? Saionji?"

"No," she whispered, hanging her bashful head. "Actually, I… It's with Juri. I'm going out with Juri."

Pause. Blink-blink.

"BWWWWAAAAAAAHHHH??!!

"Don't shriek!" Wakaba begged her. "We really became close after the last few stories. She's…I don't know how to describe her, but Juri…she can be very…how shall I put it?"

"Standoffish?" Utena offered.

"No, more like…unexpected. There's a lot I didn't really…expect from her. She really…well, I'm almost saying too much. But she asked and I agreed, and so we're going out. Don't wait up for me."

"Oh, I won't. But I thought you liked Saionji."

"Well," she blushed, tittering slightly, "ya gotta keep an open mind _and_ an open heart these days. Setting one path in front of you is not my way of living! Besides, he'll probably audition—and I made her a promise."

"Oh." Utena smiled softly and squeezed her friend's shoulder. "Well, just so long as you're happy and you have a good time, that's all that matters to me. Although I never suspected it'd be with Juri, I'm still right behind you."

"You're the best!" Wakaba squealed, tackling her friend one last time before running off. Utena sighed and contemplated what she had just heard. Wakaba with Juri? Now she wished she knew the other woman better, although admittedly, it wasn't as if she had never tried before. Maybe her most precious friend could do what she could not, and reach into that impenetrable barrier to find a heart of solid gold.

……

Three days later, the cast for "The Brave Little Tailor" was set.

Saionji, unfortunately, did not get the lead. That went to Miki.

And the princess? Oh come on, guess.

"It's Kozue," Miki grumbled as he read the playbill. "Kozue is going to be my wife in the production. Mitsuru is the giant, Nanami's friends are the other giants, Shiori's the king…this is crazy!"

"I don't think so," Kozue chirped, darting in behind him. Miki jumped in surprise and ran away.

"That's it, I quit! I'm not committing twincest on the stage!"

"Nuu, Miki, come back! And after all the people I paid off so you could be the lead! Come BAAAACK!!!"

"It's nice to see everything's back to normal," said Shadow Girl C-ko.

"Yes, the world is at peace once again," replied Shadow Girl F-ko.

"Please stay tuned for the next chapter!" C-ko said.

"It's got action, adventure, romance, and full-frontal nudity!" F-ko added.

"Oh my! Do we really want the readers to know that? Should they know, should they know, should they really, really know?"

_finis_


	14. The Fat Lady Singeth

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

Absolute Destiny Apocalypse Now.

Teen Four: The Fat Lady Singeth

ACT ONE 

A fierce storm was raging. The great free hero, Miki Kaoru, was being pursued by enemies. After plunging through the rain and wind, he stumbled across a peculiar house, built around the trunk of a mighty ash tree. He banged on the door until it opened, then toppled inside, weary and soaked to the bone. A beautiful maiden was inside to greet him; the lady drew the poor stranger into her arms and shut the door.

"What has happened? Who are you, and what were you doing out in the storm?" she cried. Miki regained a measure of consciousness and looked into her eyes, seeing something familiar and kind.

"Miki," he whispered, "my name is Miki. I am running from my enemies. Please, I beg of you to shelter me until this storm is over!"

"I am Kozue," she said. "As long as the poor weather and your wounds remain, you shall be our guest. My husband Saionji is out hunting; he shall return in several hours." Without hesitation, she removed his clothes and set the wet rags to dry over a fire, then she fed him soup and bread until he fell asleep in her bed. While caring for this unknown wanderer, Kozue fell hopelessly in love with him, and an irresistible attraction sprang up in Miki's heart.

"Must it?!" he cried out suddenly. "The _Star Wars_ parody was bad enough! Do I really have to go through with this again?"

"O stranger, you're wounded so terribly!" Kozue cried, subduing him quickly. She then hissed, "And you're breaking the fourth wall! Stay in character, Miki!"

"Easier said than done with this script," he muttered. But Miki did as he was supposed to, and so the two fell even deeper in love—that is, until Kozue's abusive and brutal husband, Saionji, returned home. Bum-bum-bum!!

"Kozue!" he exclaimed as he observed her caring for the stranger. "Who is this man, and why are you rubbing lotion over his hot, sweaty, scarred, naked chest?"

"His name is Wehwalt, son of Wolfe," she replied saucily, "and he was running away from many powerful enemies. If you want to dump him back outside, you may want to wait until it stops raining and he's healed. Even _you_ aren't that brutal."

"Very well," he replied. "But I would like to hear his entire story once he's recovered."

"I don't feel like it," Miki grumbled.

"_Please?_" Kozue begged, running her hand over his bare skin. Poor Miki turned red and gulped.

"If you insist!" he squeaked. "I grew up in the forest with my parents and twin sister. One day I discovered that marauders had burned down my house, killed my mother, and kidnapped my sister. Later, I was separated from my father, and I never saw him again. When I was growing up alone, I've always tried to mix in with other people, but I was never accepted. Right now I'm running away from a clan whom I found trying to marry a woman to a man she didn't love. I killed his brothers, but lost my weapons while I was running off."

"You bastard!" Saionji screamed and clutched Miki's neck. "I was a member of that clan! I swear to you, once you're rested up, I'm going to avenge the people you killed! Pray tis' a long recovery! Bwahahahahaaaa!"

"You're taking this a bit overboard, Saionji," Kozue muttered.

"I know," he giggled as he left them alone. With this threat of doom looming over his head, Miki cried out to his father, who had promised that in the hour of his greatest need, he would find a legendary sword "somewhere". Hearing his cries, Kozue felt compelled to reveal her own story: when she was being wedded to Saionji, a mysterious stranger had appeared to fight for her honor. As he escaped, he plunged a sword into the trunk of the tree that surrounded their house.

"You must be my savior!" she exclaimed. "The man who fought for my honor, and left behind his weapon, only to be retrieved later at this very moment! Who'd'a thunk it, huh? Now go outside and get that sword back!"

"But my wounds," he murmured. Kozue suddenly leaped onto him and smothered him with kisses. "All right, all right, I'm going! This is me rising to get my sword!"

"I'd say you already have a sword," she purred. Miki blushed and scurried outside, where sure enough, a magical blade was resting in the tree (no, not in Anthy this time either). As the sun crept over the horizon, all the forest in its springtime glory unfolded, and the love between the two became unbearable. Kozue finally revealed herself as his own twin sister—but we knew that, right? Miki drew out the sword, and with the glory of it all shining down upon him, the siblings fell into a passionate embrace.

"Nope," he insisted, "that's not going to happen. I refuse to work under these conditions! I'm leaving."

"But Miki…" Kozue tried to pull him back, but he had made his decision and had already left. For awhile, the poor girl felt lonely and discarded, but then she remembered that Miki had an understudy, a backup, and they would be coming along any moment to pick up where the original hero had left off.

Kozue's eyebrows raised in interest as she noticed Shiori taking her brother's place.

"You?" she said. Shiori smiled warmly.

"Yes, it's me. I hope you don't mind."

"No," Kozue purred, "not at all." The scene resumed and Kozue and Shiori fell into a passionate embrace, while Miki went out to buy donuts.

ACT TWO 

Knowing that love between twins (or in this case, two girls) never worked out in the end, Shiori and Kozue ran off to hide in the mountains, away from Saionji. Meanwhile, in Valhalla (this _is_ based off a Wagner opera, mind), the All-Father Touga summoned his eldest daughter, the Valkyrie Anthy, to prepare for battle!

"What battle is that, my father and lord?" she asked.

"We must help Miki—I mean, Shiori—kill Saionji so that their lesbian affair can last forever!"

"Oh goody!" she exclaimed, then ran off to do whatever Valkyries do before a big fight. Of course, there's always somebody around to ruin the fun, and (as it was in this situation), that somebody was usually Nanami. She was glad to be playing the part of a goddess, but hated the idea of going against her own brother.

"Big brother—I mean, my lord Touga, I am the guardian of marriage! How could you let Kozue sink so low? First incest, then adultery, and now Sapphic delights? You've allowed every base to be covered in no less than five minutes!"

"Hey, what can I say?" he grinned. "When you put Utena and Wagner together, everything's more fun."

"You're disgusting!" she declared, very hypocritical. "Do something! You're compelled to punish Miki—I mean, Shiori, for her wicked deeds! Kill her! And…wound Kozue! Also, Anthy cannot help in the fight against Saionji!"

"You're a buzz-kill," he grumbled. Nanami snorted and vanished, and that was the end of her. She was right, however: Touga had made the laws, and he was bound by them. Shiori was not a true "free hero"; her entire life had been preordained by Touga himself. He summoned Anthy again and briefly explained everything that was going on at the time (it's really quite a long and fascinating story. If you ever have the chance to look into the background of the _Ring of Nibelung Trilogy_, I urge you strongly): basically a power-struggle involving magic rings and giants, dragons and Valkyries, and all that cool Norse mythological crap. Then he told Anthy what he was being forced to do, but she was reluctant to step aside.

"Shiori is truly in love with her sister!" she cried. "Can we do nothing for them?"

"I'm sorry, but if I have to do this, then so do you. Now begone!" Terrified, Anthy withdrew sadly, and darkness covered Touga's heart.

Meanwhile (still with me?), Kozue and Shiori return from their long tryst in the mountains, half-crazy with fear (you know how lesbians get). While Kozue fell into a deep sleep, Anthy appeared and approached Shiori, announcing her death at the hands of Touga, the All-Father. Bummer.

"So that's why Miki didn't want to go through with this," she murmured.

"There's no need to despair, though," Anthy assured her. "When you die, you will be received among the heroes of Valhalla for your deeds."

"Not without Kozue!" Shiori exclaimed. "I love her more than eternity."

"Unbelievable!" Anthy whispered. "To value love over everlasting bliss!"

"Hey, we lesbians are just that cool." Suddenly, Kozue began talking in her sleep, murmuring her fear of Saionji, her everlasting love for Shiori, and most shockingly, her unexpected pregnancy.

"Oh my!" Anthy squealed. "Is Kozue going to have a child?"

"How'd that happen?" Shiori muttered. "Well, umm, this is…really strange. I could've sworn it was impossible for me to get my, uh, 'sister' pregnant. But ah well, what better than a living symbol of our love!"

"No, you're supposed to kill her in a fit of despair!" Anthy whispered. Shiori screamed out a refusal and clung even tighter to Kozue, wailing real tears of sorrow. It was clear that not everything was an act, and this moved Anthy beyond what the script called for: she vowed to support them both in spite of the trouble it would bring.

Not long after, Saionji found them all, and the preordained battle between himself and Shiori commenced. While they fought terribly, Touga suddenly intervened, whirling Gungnir before him. He cruelly shattered Shiori's magical sword and stepped aside as Saionji plunged his weapon deep into her heart, Kozue screaming all the way (she's not _quite_ dead, folks!). Acting quickly, Anthy gathered up the pieces of the sword and hastily led Kozue to safety, though her efforts would be in vain. To demonstrate just how much a bad-ass he was, Touga had but to glare at Saionji, and the evil man was dead. Quickly he hurried after Anthy to exact punishment for her deeds…

Leaving Shiori behind.

"Damn," she whispered, "Miki's going to pay for this! I only had one lousy love scene and a few lines, and then I get killed by the jerk husband of my lover? This sucks. Where _is_ he, anyway?"

Meanwhile… 

"Mmm, sprinkles!"

Bum-bum-bumm!!!

ACT THREE 

("Ride of the Valkyries" plays)

Eight of the nine Valkyries gathered together on a rocky mountaintop, where they prepared to take the bodies of fallen heroes to Valhalla (it's not important to know their names). As they swooped down on their mighty flying horses to harvest the souls, Anthy appeared with Kozue, seeking their assistance. The Valkyries, unaffected by the same conflicting emotions that were grappling their eldest sister, refused to defy Touga. Feeling defeated but unwilling to give up, Anthy gave Kozue hope in a prophecy:

"The child you are carrying shall become the noblest hero in the world, and you shall name her Utena."

"Yeah, that really calmed my nerves," muttered the poor girl. Anthy quickly gave Kozue the shattered remains of Shiori's sword and advised her to take refuge in a vast forest to the east, where a dragon guarded treasure and Touga would not follow. Feeling quite unenthused, Kozue nonetheless parted, muttering to herself the whole while: Miki had the right idea, Miki left at the right time, things are too weird even for this anime. With Kozue in a safe place, all that was left to do was confront Touga and beg his mercy—and here he was!

"I really do love this role," he sighed upon entrance. "King of the Gods definitely suits me. Well, Anthy, what do you have to say for yourself? You've disobeyed me and interfered with fate itself. Do you know what I'm going to do? I'll banish you from Valhalla, strip your divinity away, and put you to sleep on hard stone, until you become enslaved to the first person who finds you. Hahahahaha!!"

"Nooooo!!!" Like the true sisters they were, the eight Valkyries scattered, leaving Anthy to handle her fate herself. Kneeling to the ground, lowering her head, she prepared to beg her lord and father for mercy.

"Hear me out! Your true wishes, milord, were to assist those worthy souls in their endeavor—for Shiori and Kozue were your children by birth, and you couldn't help but be moved by their love! Were it not for Nanami's intervention, you would've done the exact same thing! Have reason, milord! I was only trying to carry out your _true_ wishes! Besides, I pitied their predicament, and I too was moved by their love."

"Ahh," Touga sighed, his anger calmed and his heart moved. He embraced Anthy and kissed her forehead. "You've touched me, my dear. I must still punish you, but because I nearly committed the same deeds, I shall move all the worlds to offer you forgiveness. As you sleep, no ordinary man shall awake you, but look for a hero to set you free! And now, goodnight, and forgive me my daughter!" Touga kissed Anthy on her eyes softly, plunging her into a profound sleep. He then summoned the god of fire to surround the sleeping Valkyrie with a ring of magical flames, which only a true hero could penetrate. He then left Anthy, his heart heavy, and ascended into Asgard to await the next movement…

The End 

"Hey, is that it?!" Shiori blurted. "It just ends like that? What kind of horrible cop-out is that?"

"Well, it is part of a much larger trilogy," Anthy replied. "In the next part, Utena rouses me from my slumber, and we challenge the gods together as lovers united!"

"Which pretty much sums up the anime, too," Touga muttered.

"I still can't believe we condensed a four-hour opera into five pages!" Miki exclaimed.

"Yeah," Kozue said, "but who wants to sit and watch a bunch of fat women in Valkyrie helmets singing in German for four hours?" Suddenly, a fat woman in a Valkyrie helmet began to sing at the top of her lungs, meaning that, according to Yogi Berra, this story was now complete.

"That's the worst ending ever!" Juri screamed. Naturally, everyone told her to shut up.

Stay tuned for the next installment!

Take my Revolution…please.


	15. Mostly About Clamshell Bras

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

Surgeon General's Warning: may contain trace amounts of sanity. Consult your doctor before reading.

Who's counting?: Mostly About Clamshell Bras

Once upon a time, there was a little mermaid princess named Shiori, and she was the most beautiful maiden in the entire sea. Unfortunately, she was cursed with an evil clamshell bra, so that whenever she had an impure thought, she was forced to perform a humiliating song-and-dance routine for everyone to see! The story behind the curse is quite a long one, and nobody would be interested in it at all, save that it was focused on a clamshell brassiere that our heroine was forced to wear. Anyway, Shiori was naturally quite a good person because of this curse, but every once in awhile, she would slip and have to pay the penalty.

One fine day, as she was swimming through the endless ocean, a shark came up right next to her and gobbled up one of her little fish-friends (she had a lot). Infuriated, Shiori let out a full string of curse words, but barely got a syllable out before the magic of her clamshell bra went into affect.

"Noo!" she screamed, "Not in front of the shark!!"

I'm swimming underwater without a single care 

_But perverts are lurking round and they sure do like to stare_

_Undressing me with their evil eyes, they wonder what lies beneath_

_They'll never know, I don't wanna show,_

If I catch them I'll kick them to the bottom of the sea! 

"Ugh, that was awful," she groaned. "But what's worse is that my anger was justified this time. A shark ate my best friend!"

"Shiori," said Anthy, swimming up from below, "your best friend was a tuna. There are billions of them in the sea."

"But this one was special! And now he's gone forever! Ohh, I'm so mad! I wish a poacher would come along and…oh no! Not again!"

Don't ask me how I ovulate 

_Don't inquire about my naughty bits_

_Please don't wonder where I get er' done_

_And make no question about my evening fun_

_I'm a mermaid, see, I'm nobody but me_

_And if I hear you saying those awful things,_

I'll rip out your eyes and kick you in your ding! 

"This has to stop!" she cried. "Eventually I won't even make sense! I'll just start rapping! And you all know how much I hate…oh no! Wait! That's just my opinion! I can't even have an opinion anymore? Oh no, here it comes!!"

Yo lil' homies I'm Shiori G 

_I'm the biggest frakkin master underneath the sea_

_I'll steal your girl and pop you in the eye_

_I'll smash your bones and make you wanna cry_

_Yo don't disrespect me I'm the queen down here_

_If ya mofos don't like it then y'all are queer!_

Yeah! Okay! What? Dig it, homes! 

"Somebody kill me," she groaned. Suddenly, a motor-powered boat flew overhead, chopping manatees up by the truckload! And then an oil barge crashed, spilling its cargo everywhere! Of course, Shiori was spared these horrible fates, because that would just be too easy for her. After swearing vociferously, she instantly moved into her next song-and-dance routine, which was the worst by far.

_Mother (bleep) gonna (bleep) on yo mama's (bleep)_

_(bleep) (bleep) pencil in yo daddy's (bleep)_

_Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit yo (bleep) (bleep) down!_

_Get down, get down, get yo (bleep) (bleep) down!_

_(bleep) (bleep) evil duck (bleep) (bleep) Spock!_

Rancid (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) paste! 

"Oh my goodness!" Anthy exclaimed, blushing horribly. "It's a good thing that those censors were there. Otherwise this would not be suitable for children!"

"Nobody's reading anyway," Shiori muttered. "We'd better get on with the main story. Otherwise this will turn into a musical, and what would be worse than a musical about mermaids and their clamshell bras?"

……

Shiori's life, as harmonious as it was (ducks thrown objects), remained constant until one dark day, when the surface world turned into a torrential nightmare. A storm brewed above, and while life in the ocean remained invulnerable to the tempest, there was a sailing ship bearing the entirety of its burden. Curious, Shiori ascended to the top, where waves concluded sharply to the vast unconquerable sky; where needles of water flicked her skin and curtains of waves rolled and fumed in fury. The vessel was so near she could almost read the name it had been given, and soon she was forced to submerge, or risk being smashed apart by the boat's drunken rocking.

Surfacing once again, this time at a distance, Shiori observed the titan submit to Neptune's whims. Creatures with only two legs—_people_ they were called—tumbled out of the boat's grasp, some screaming while others keeping their tongue. Her eyes focused on one particularly brave sailor who made daring dashes to those in greatest danger: he pulled them away from the sea's throat and anchored them onto floating debris, all through the night until his own limbs failed him. Such heroism touched Shiori's heart, and she rushed over to save him. His fellow-sailors called out to him in the dark squall but were unable to find him, since Shiori had no intention of surrendering him over to them anyway. She wanted to speak to this brave man alone.

As the bleak sky rolled away to make room for dawn, the familiar sound of crashing waves and singing gulls invigorated the cursed little mermaid with a new sense of awe. She had been swimming with the sailor all night and was nearly spent, but now at last she had the strength to toss him to safety. The sun finally crept up from the horizon just as he was catching his first few breaths ashore, and she crawled up with him, her great fin struggling, her lavender hair dripping in her face. He coughed and groaned…and then a ray of light struck his face.

He, apparently, was a she.

"Juri?" she whispered. A roll of the eyes later, "Figures. Um, I mean, what a brave soul this is, and so…uh…handsome too!" Then, in a stage-whisper, "(Psst! Isn't this supposed to be Touga? I'm supposed to be pining over a _prince_ here!)"

"(Juri is a prince!)" Saionji replied from backstage.

"(You know what I mean!)" Shiori screeched. "(I need a MAN! Or at least someone besides Juri! How predictable is that?")

"(Just go with it!)" Saionji whispered. "(And stop breaking the fourth wall!)" Shiori rolled her eyes one more time before finally submitting to her fate.

"Dearest prince," Shiori murmured, caressing the man's (?) face, "if only you and I could live together—but alas, I have a curse placed on my only article of clothing, and you, my dearest, are not accustomed to the waves. Of course, I could always take this thing off—oh no! That wasn't a bad thought! That doesn't count! That doesn't count!!"

Loneliness is always by my side 

_Love is just something I can't abide_

_But maybe love, you'll do me good_

If only the rest of us understood 

"Blecch, country! If I keep going like this, the prince will wake. I'd better give him a kiss before he runs away in revulsion." And so Shiori placed her mouth on Juri's sea-salt lips, perhaps enjoying it too much for her own good. Slowly, the noble prince (?) opened his (?) eyes, beholding the blurred image of a goddess come to save him (okay, HER. Happy?) Groaning and coughing, she managed to whisper but a few words.

"Rubber…baby buggy…bumpers…"

Which, of course, was not something any maiden wants to hear. Shiori got so mad that the curse took affect, again, throwing her into her most embarrassing moment yet.

I feel gay, I feel glad, I'm not unhappy and I'm not mad 

_The world's in hand, and I'm super_

_I feel just like an Iranian trooper_

_Because the sun is out, I can sing mightily_

_Because the sky is blue, I can laugh_

_Because the world is here, I can love everything_

_And now, my love's for you!_

I feel great, I feel swell, I feel just like William Tell 

"Waitaminute, what does feeling like William Tell have to do with anything? Who wrote these awful lyrics, anyway?"

"Nanami, most likely," Juri muttered. Temporarily forgetting that she was still mostly unconscious, she sat up and, with no effort at all, straightened her hair so that it was perfect once more. Noticing her dripping, drooping savior, Juri hugged her knees to her chest and gave Shiori a knowing smirk. "So, a clamshell bra, huh?"

"Shut up, Juri."

……

Because Shiori could not be part of Juri's world (ducks more thrown objects), she decided that she would do anything to change this fate—so naturally, she went to see an evil sorceress who would probably screw her over. But hey, this is a fairy tale; people do this sort of thing all the time. Anyway, this evil sorceress just happened to be Kozue, and she just happened to be the one responsible for cursing Shiori's clamshell bra, and now she was determined to do everything she could to make her life even more miserable. Our heroine didn't know any of this, of course, but now you do, all thanks to the plot police!

Meanwhile… 

"If it cannot break out of its shell…"

No matter how many times he tried, Touga couldn't open the pickle jar.

"Then I'll starve!" he wailed, sobbing miserably. "Can somebody please open this for me? I'm begging you! I have to have my pickle fix!"

"Oh brother," Nanami groaned, "I'm so ashamed! Brought down by a pickle!"

"He apparently needs them to stay in character," Saionji grumbled. "I was rather surprised when I found out. At first I thought I had gained an advantage over him, but now Touga is too pathetic even for me."

"Please!" Kiryuu begged again, looking all around him for assistance. "Anybody! Miki, how about you? Saionji, dearest of all friends? Nanami, won't you help your brother out?"

"Fine!" she screamed, "Just to get this ordeal over with. Now hand me that jar!"

"Oh, thank you!" he wailed, giving it to her with his thanks. Nanami snapped her fingers…

"Mitsuru!" And the little boy wonder was there in a flash. With but a few turns, he was able to release Touga's secret treat, and with this action, became King of Camelot and Lord of the Knights of the Round Table.

And now, back to the half-naked fish-girls! 

"…and with this mysterious pendant, you will be able to seduce the prince and live happily ever after!"

"Oh, thank you so much!" Shiori exclaimed, giving the evil sea-witch a hug. "I'm so glad. If you hadn't explained to me what exactly I needed to do and what this thing was for, I would never be able to accomplish my ridiculous goals!"

"Of course you wouldn't!" Kozue sang, her voice wickedly sweet. "Now don't forget the 'arrangement' we made! It's the most important part of the contract. If you forget, Shiori, then you're screwed."

"Don't worry, you told it to me already. Now off I go to seduce Juri!" She swam away carelessly, leaving Kozue behind to, of course, cackle madly.

"Mwahahahaha! Foolish girl! I can't believe she fell for my ruse twice! Of course, evil will always triumph because good is dumb! Bwahahahahaha, and such."

Bum-bum-bumm!!!

The story from here on out gets kind of boring, and has little or nothing to do with clamshell bras or random bursts of song. Basically, what happens is that Shiori turns into a human and loses her voice, but she finds Juri anyway and tries to get into her heart. But of course, since she was "supposed" to be mostly unconscious during their first meeting, Juri doesn't recognize Shiori, although she is smitten by her. They have a few romantic scenes together, but a few days before the spell wears off (you were expecting a spell like this to be permanent?), Shiori discovers Juri in the arms of another woman (I'll just skip the details and say it's Wakaba).

Shiori knew that her character wouldn't react well to this news, but she as a person didn't know how to respond at all. Should she honestly be jealous, as character dictates, and lash out in anger and sorrow? Should she be happy for Juri, her oldest friend, and find joy in this new love? What about relief? The chains around Juri's heart are gone, and _the_ chain, the one she voluntarily hung herself on day after day—well, it now had a new picture in it, a prettier one, an image void of everything Shiori was. Maybe Shiori could've felt sorrow, for losing the only love she really had…but more than likely, she was confused. I mean, really! Juri and _Wakaba?_ Talk about left field!

In any case, this is where the story draws to its tragic conclusion. The noble sailor, the love of Shiori's life, was soon married to her new sweetheart, and Shiori was there to dance away her final hours. That evening, as the spell wore off, Shiori honestly began to cry, and wished that for once, she could sing again, even if it was humiliating. But her wish was not granted, and the doomed woman cast herself into the sea, where she became foam and bubbles, never to be seen again.

Well, not exactly. That ending sucks.

"What the…" Shiori gasped as her body returned to her, flippers and clamshell bra and all, and the rushing sensation intensified as she felt herself pulled away from the surface into the deep, where the evil sorceress resided. Kozue glared nastily at her victim, curling fingers around her chin as all villains tend to do.

"Surprised?" she sang. "Well you should be. I told you what would happen if you failed to seduce your fair princess. Now you must pay the penalty, you silly little fish-girl!"

"You never told me anything!" Shiori argued (temporary relieved to have her voice back). "We just skipped over it during the scene break and assumed the rest. But now that I'm here, what _will_ happen now that I've failed?"

"Oh, nothing special," Kozue chirped. "You just have to become my sex-slave for all eternity!"

"BWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH????!!!!"

Shiori's expression calmed in a disturbingly short period.

"Are you serious? That actually sounds pretty good. Gee, I went through all that trouble for nothing!"

"Apparently so. Dearest Shiori, the truth is…I've been hopelessly in love with you forever! Yet I was filled with so much jealousy, I cursed your clamshell bra and led you on that horrible quest, all to psychologically torture you! I just couldn't bear to see you with anybody else. Please forgive me, my darling!"

"Well," Shiori muttered to herself, "I guess this is karma. Now I know how Juri feels. Kozue, in the words of Humphrey Bogart, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!" Kozue squealed with delight, and somehow, the heroine ended up with the villain of the story. Not to end on such a strange note, Shiori felt it was high time for one final song. After all, she _was_ having extremely impure thoughts right about now!

Today is the day that I start my new life 

_I'm a sex slave to Kozue, and soon I'll be her wife!_

_Miki's sister's a Dominatrix, and I'm her willing Gimp_

_Someday down the road, I hope she'll be my pimp!_

_Things are going special, things are really neat_

_I love it when my Mistress treats me like raw meat_

_Blindfolds and ball gags, whips and muzzles too_

_Nothing else is sacred, cuz everything we do_

_Is for love is for love is for love is for love_

_Everything's for love_

_Is for love is for love is for love is for love_

_I'm Kozue's sex-slave for love!_

_Oh, Mistress Kozue! Punish me again! Mess with my brain!_

_I'm yours forever, darling! This is what I want you to do with me!_

_(bleep) (bleep) pie, (bleep) (bleep) extension cord_

_(bleep) salad dressing, (bleep) Luchador mask (bleep)_

_Pull the (bleep) against (bleep), and don't (bleep) on my (bleep)_

_(bleep) (bleep) wheelbarrow (bleep) (bleep) sock!_

You get the idea.

And now, the concluding rebuttal!

Miki: I can't believe my sister is dating another girl!

Nanami: Would you rather she date Touga?

Utena: I'm surprised you're not freaking out about her being a closet Dominatrix.

Miki: Umm…I already knew that.

Utena: Ooh, yikes. Wow. Um…whew! Miki, uh…yeah, ya know what, I'm not touching that.

Miki: Oh, why must everything be so messed up? Can't we have _one_ normal moment?

Saionji: Dear Lord, no! What are you thinking, Miki? Oh, by the way, I'm suddenly very attracted to you and pregnant with Chu-Chu's baby.

Touga: I'm sleeping with the acting Headmaster, who's sleeping with his sister, who's sleeping with a mongoose.

Nanami: I'm going to "Animorphs Anonymous" meetings to cope with my habit of turning into other animals.

Anthy: I just have all kinds of swords stuck in my body.

Utena: I'm a prince! But I'm really a girl! I'm a girl prince! And I'm totally heterosexual, folks, except when I'm not!

Miki: Ugh. Maybe I should request a transfer to another anime. See you later, folks.

……

E-ko: Yes, and stay tuned for the next chapter.

F-ko: It's yet another swashbuckling epic saga, with real ghosts!

C-ko: Let's not forget how we break every taboo imaginable!

E-ko: So be there!

F-ko: Or be square!

C-ko: You won't regret it—we hope!


	16. Mysterious Flying Dutchman

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

All the stuff Disney was afraid to do.

Sweet Sixteen: Mysterious Flying Dutchman

When it rains, it pours, and few people know that better when they're in a storm. The vessel of the famous seafarer Akio Ohtori was currently twisted up in the wildest typhoon he had seen yet, and it took all the ship's crew just to make port and weather out the squall. As the seas continued to churn, Akio's crew hunkered down in the port inn for the night, leaving only the helmsman, Professor Cannon Fodder. Even this man could be weary, and in no time at all, he started to nod off and was soon fast asleep. As the entire crew slumbered, a second ship pulled into port: dark and sinister, with black masts and blood-red sails. The Captain of the ship was the only one who went ashore; an aura of foreboding darkness and adventure seemed to trail after her. It was the infamous Flying Dutchman, Nanami.

"Don't you mean Dutch_woman?_" she said. Oh, yes, of course, how silly of me. Anyway, as the Dutchwoman was examining her surroundings, Captain Akio returned to check up on the helmsman. Seeing as how he was asleep, and cannon fodder, he instantly threw him overboard where he joined Mitsuru's legions of dead guards (remember, in the Aladdin spoof?). Then he met Nanami, a strange soul to be wandering around during a storm, and opened a conversation.

"Fair traveler, what is your business here? My own crew has just emerged from a terrible tempest, and they seek respite from their tribulation. You have the look of a woman of the sea, yet there is no weariness in your eyes."

"The weariness is all in my soul, friend," she answered. "For you see, I am the infamous Flying Dutchman! Hahaha! I blasphemed against God and now I am condemned to wander the oceans for eternity! Hohohoo! I am only allowed on shore once every seven years, so that I may find a man to love me selflessly and loyally. Hahahaha! I've not been able to succeed so far, and as these things tend to go, today is the very last day which I'm able to step on land. After that, I will be a slave for eternity! Heeheehee!"

"What's so funny?" Akio grumbled.

"Haven't you realized it yet?" she balked. "All this time I've been asking for a large part, and now I'm the title character! What other part could be more important? This will certainly boost my standing—mwahahahahahaaa!"

"The last laugh is on you, Nanami," Akio replied, trying not to giggle too cruelly. "The Flying Dutchman must have a woman if he's to be redeemed. You're going to have to partake in your very first lesbian scene."

"I…"

Pause. Twitch. Gulp.

…

_Extra, extra!_

_Oh my, I finally found the magic lamp! Now to awaken the genie and get my wish!_

_O my master, I thank you for freeing me. I shall grant you a wish in exchange!_

_Ah, yes, I know exactly what it is I want! Let's see…I want to be a star!_

_Alakazam! Your wish has been granted! Thank you and have a nice day!_

_W-wait a minute, genie! I didn't ask for you to turn me INTO a star! Now I'm trapped up in the sky all day, forced to be part of some stupid constellation!_

_Well, that's what you get when you're not careful what you wish for._

_Darn it! Why didn't I wish for money instead?_

…

"I WHUUUUUUUUUUH??"

"Your first girl-girl scene. The Dutchman must have a woman."

"But _I'm_ the woman!" Nanami shrieked. "I need the man to redeem me!"

"(So much for women's lib,)" Akio muttered to himself. "Well," he continued in a louder voice, "you have three options before you: you can either play along and hook up with a girl, or step aside and let someone else take your role, or…" He paused for dramatic affect, and changed his voice to one festering with grim darkness: "Or…you can wander the oceans forever, until End of the World destroys you and your crew."

"Oh," she squeaked. "Well, since you put it that way, I guess there's only one thing left to say."

"What's that?"

"Where all the white women at?!"

"Excellent!" he squealed, clapping his hands together smartly. "I'm glad to see you're cooperating! And as a matter of fact, I think I might know just the girl for you: my beautiful little sister, Anthy."

"You mean _her?_ Do I have to? Can't I just pretend to go along with Yuko or one of them?"

"No, it has to be Anthy," he said sharply. "Nobody else was submissive enough to do it."

"Damn this anime and its liberal-minded feminists! All right," she barked, "I'll do it, but I'd better get well-compensated!" And so, with the agreement struck (sort of), Akio and Nanami told their crews to weigh anchor so they could sail to Ohtori's awaiting country…

…………

As all of this was happening, submissive little Anthy was singing away in her home, fantasizing about life on the high seas with the Flying Dutchman. Most people would've rebuked such a radical idea, but she was an excellent housekeeper and quite easy on the eyes too—and besides, the legend about the Dutchman wasn't real. It was all a fantasy, just as every girl there had their fantasies, and their own songs to sing. Even so, Anthy believed she'd be the one who freed the Dutchman from his curse, and nobody could talk her out of it.

While Anthy was singing and cleaning, the hunter Saionji, who loved Anthy, entered the room to announce the arrival of Akio, her brother. He had also overheard her fanciful song, and wanted to persuade her to think differently.

"Anthy," he said, taking her hands gently, "I boldly appeal to the love you once promised me. Weren't we engaged to be married once upon a time? You must not forget your vows, not a single one, though it has been many years since you made them."

"I don't remember making any such promises," she replied.

"Oh, Anthy," he moaned, "how feeble the human mind is! Your words are like rusty knives to me! Did you know, Anthy, that I had a most horrible dream about you? An omen, if you will, of doom and malice! Heed my words, gentle dove: I saw you sailing away with a monster, the ghostly Dutchman himself, and you disappeared into the dark void, never to be seen again."

"How exciting!" she exclaimed, throwing Saionji off-balance.

"You mean you're not filled with fear?"

"No," she replied, "I love my Dutchman. If I could sail away with him into the deep nether-regions of oblivion, I would be most happy indeed!"

"(Why does this sound like the end of the Utena movie?)" he muttered to himself. Feeling crestfallen that his beloved should respond in such away, poor Saionji trudged away to mope. No sooner was he gone than Akio appeared, Nanami in tow. At once, whether an act of destiny or some sacred unknown bond that always seemed to unite star-crossed lovers, the Dutchwoman and Anthy recognized each other at once, and fell in love at first sight.

"An exaggeration," Nanami grumbled, "but I'll do just about anything now. (Ahem!) Oh Anthy! You're simply so beautiful! I've heard so much about you from your brother, but words don't do you justice! I can see how you'd be able to redeem my lost soul!"

"Oh, hello Nanami. Would you care for some tea?"

"(Play along, wench!)" she snarled, gnashing her teeth together. Then, "Oho, what a wonderful lass you are! Don't you know who I am? I'm the mysterious Flying Dutchwoman, just like it says in the title."

"But the title character is a man," Anthy replied blithely. Nanami nearly burst a blood vessel.

"(I'm well aware of what it says!)" she growled. "(For the time being, _I_ am the title character! You should be the one whose gender changed!)"

"This is all so very confusing," Anthy moaned, "but if that's the way things are, then that's the way things are. Um, but just a second—if you're going to become engaged to me, don't you need to duel Miss Utena first?"

"Who's that?" Nanami squealed, trying so hard to stay in character, bless her.

"You don't know? She's the one I'm engaged—"

"Anthy!" Akio exclaimed, just in the nick of time. "It seems you and Miss Nanami are getting along well. That's wonderful. I've arranged for the two of you to be married—even though you've just met—so I'm hoping to see this relationship continue!"

"Did you really arrange for our wedding, brother? Because I could've sworn that Miss Utena—"

"Yes, well, Nanami is your, umm…fiancée now, so be good to her."

"Oh." Things seemed to click in her mind, or at least they appeared to. "If you say so. Now, Miss Nanami," she said, taking the Dutchwoman's hand, "for everyone I am engaged to, I spend the night with them, so you'll have to come along with me."

"Wait! Spend the night? Does that mean what I think it does?!"

"I'm not sure. What do you think it means?" Nanami could certainly imagine.

"HELP MEEEEEEE!!!!"

…………

Word soon spread about the upcoming wedding, and Akio's sailors celebrated wildly because of it. They even tried getting Nanami's men to join their festivities, but to no avail (honestly, when was the last time you saw a bunch of damned sailors having fun? Without Johnny Depp, I mean). Meanwhile, hearing that his beloved was now betrothed to a stranger, Saionji increased his efforts to sway her heart…also to no avail.

"Please, Anthy, reconsider!" he exclaimed. "This is a person you've just met, and you're already dedicating your heart to him? We've known each other since we were children—we used to pretend like we were married so many times—you even promised we'd be wed when we were old enough. How could you forget all this?"

"I honestly don't remember doing any of that, Saionji," she replied. "I'm sorry, but my love is for Miss Nanami now."

"That actually makes it worse," he grumbled. "Normally you're all gaga over that tomboy Utena. What made you change your mind so easily?"

"My brother; he arranged everything. I was really in love with the Dutchman to begin with, so what does it matter who it is?"

"So you'd do whatever your brother tells you? Anthy, be reasonable, just for once! I know that's hard to do…" At that moment, as they were arguing, Nanami chanced to drift by and overheard what they were saying. She feared that Anthy's heart would soon waver, and was despondent for herself. If she could not find a person to love her without reservation, she was doomed—and now all her hopes were up for nothing! Dejected, she left the room, the house, and the town itself, making her final journey to port. Anthy, however, escaped from Saionji's grilling and went searching for her beloved; the wedding would start soon.

After nearly giving up the pursuit, Akio told her a startling tale: Nanami was on her ship, and the crew had been revealed as what they really were—teams of phantoms and spirits who were now headed for the infinite depths. Her heart overflowing with love and sorrow, Anthy rushed up to the highest precipice that overlooked the sea, and shouted at the top of her lungs for Nanami and the whole world to hear:

"Miss Nanami! Never believe for a moment that my heart will ever stray! It was my chosen destiny to save you from your cursed life, and so by this act I hope to prove to you my undying loyalty!" And with that, she leaped into the sea and perished, startling everyone. Naturally, Nanami didn't know what to say at first.

"Umm…how's killing herself going to prove anything?"

"It's an opera, stupid," said Juri, who appeared suddenly. "You should know by now that nothing anybody does in an opera will ever make sense. Just go along with it."

"Shut up, Juri." Now that she had seen Anthy's love in action (sort of), Nanami's soul was freed at last, and she and her beloved rose up in the heavens, together at last for all eternity.

THE END

"Hey!" Saionji screamed. "That was even worse than the Valkyrie ending! I mean…what the freaking _hell!?_"

"Umm…yeah," Akio muttered. "Listen, let's all go back inside for some lunch, then maybe we'll forget this ever happened."

"Dude, your sister just threw herself off a cliff, and Nanami flew up in the sky!"

"I wouldn't worry," he replied quietly. "God willing, we'll all meet again in 'Mysterious Flying Dutchman 2: the search for more shoujo-ai'."

But not really.

Still, stay tuned.

You'll read anything! Go ahead, switch to another story. You'll be back.


	17. 1002, A Revolutionary Odyssey

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

Each one more implausible than the last

Sventeen: 1002, A Revolutionary Odyssey

Once upon a time, a bunch of burly Greeks won a war using a wooden horse, and there was much rejoicing. When the war was over, everybody went home—everybody, that is, except for our hero Touga! For you see, when Touga achieved victory, he gave thanks to all the gods except Poseidon, and since he was such a pagan, the Christians back then excommunicated him and sent him off course. For years he sailed around the Mediterranean, endlessly searching for a way home, with only a handful of brave, hardy, muscular, sweaty, burly men as company. …Cough.

"Come now," Touga said, "do you really think we'd resort to…that? I have a wife waiting for me at home." Unbeknownst to him, this wife he spoke of so dearly killed herself at once when she heard rumor of her husband's death, even though there was no proof! However, a nice young man took her place, and since all of the suitors for Touga's wife no longer had any prize to fight over, they went back home and lived very nice lives. So now Touga had a man waiting for him back home!

"As you can see," he proclaimed while sailing one day, "I'm simply thrilled and fulfilled. Hey, wait, what's that over there? Why, it's land! Everyone, put this ship down! This may be our home!" And so, the sailors put the brakes on the boat (what? Don't look at me, I don't know jack about ships) and went ashore, but instead of home, they found themselves in the realm of the lotus-eaters! And the island was completely populated by men!

"What is it with ancient Greeks and homosexuality?" Touga muttered. Assuming that eating the lotus-flower had no homoerotic connotations, his team set sail again, this time accidentally ramming into another island (take a look at a map of the Aegean sea and tell me you wouldn't be able to run up against something!). Once all the dust had settled, Touga and his loyal crew of shirtless men (heh-heh) set foot on the island. This time they had no choice, because most of their supplies were gone!

"I swear," he grumbled as he helped hunt and gather, "my crew has way too many men on it. We'd solve so many problems if they were all gobbled up by a monster, or…seduced by some fish-donkey."

"A fish-donkey?" murmured one of his crew.

"Oh, you know! It's ancient Greece! There are all kinds of weird animals running around!"

"Yeah, tell me about it. I thought I saw a pelican-giraffe somewhere, and didn't we run afoul of a chicken-octopus?"

"Quite. That one-eyed monster over there seems normal by comparison."

"The one-eyed monster?" Touga grimaced as he looked at his crewmembers.

"It's a Cyclops, you pervert!!" The men were yelling and running in fear, but it was too late—the Cyclops was upon them, and he was eating them too, just like Touga wanted!

"Oh sure, blame me!" he cried out. Things began to look bleak for Touga's men as the great one-eyed beast gave his crew chase, but suddenly, the monster tripped and fell, impaling himself on a conveniently-placed spike. The quest to return home could continue.

……

Because he had been away from home for so long, Touga was beginning to experience some…urges. And of course, since his only company were strapping young men, he was forced to…concede to their, um, will, in order to satisfy these, erm, cravings. MANSEX! There—whew! And what an orgy, too—but I'm getting off track. Their next destination was the Underworld, because they were all psycho like that. Touga got to see his parents, and even a few of his old war-buddies, especially dear Saionji, who had played the role of Achilles.

"Ah yes, we shared _many_ lonely nights together, Saionji and myself," Touga reminisced. Saionji's ghost snorted.

"Hmph! The only thing more insulting was the way I died! Honestly, a sprained ankle?! What's up with that?"

"At least you didn't live long enough to see how pathetic life was once the war was over," Touga muttered. "Anyway, could you please tell me how to get home from here?"

"Dude, you're in the _Underworld!_ What do you think _I've_ been trying to do since I got here? Who sent you here, anyway?"

"Just another unappreciated young man, susceptible to my seductive charms."

"Ah yes, I forgot how big a whore you were. Anyway, what you want to do is head out on by the Siren's place, where you will be tested with unbearable noises. After that is Circe's place, where a powerful witch will try to eat your men. But don't let the name fool you! Circe is also a man."

"So a man will try to eat my crew…" Touga mused. Saionji coughed.

"After that, you must brave the passage of the smashing rocks, and then you must pass through Scylla and Charybdis, two of the harshest Utena critics imaginable! Only then, after facing these unreasonable trials, may you come home to your beloved husband."

"But I had a wife."

"Not anymore!" came a disembodied voice. It was Utena! "Darn it, Touga, the papers said you were dead! Now what am I supposed to do?"

"I dunno. Go haunt Sappho on Lesbos or something."

"Oh, wow, I thought that was just a made-up place! See ya!" Utena vanished at once, presumably to take her widower husband's advice. Touga sighed and rubbed his face until the irritation faded.

"So I no longer have a wife."

"Correct," Saionji replied, "but there is a nice man waiting for you."

"Oh well," he grumbled. "Better than nothing, I suppose. Goodbye, Saionji. I hope we don't see each other again for some time, if you know what I mean."

"Hey, that's not very nice! And just so you know, you'll get crushed underneath a piece of wood when it's time to die!!"

"That's…really unnecessary, old friend. And yet so eerily fitting considering what else has happened."

"Pervert!!" he screamed as Touga's vessel emerged from the darkness. Yes, no sexual implications there, either…

……

Even though they were taking things "out of order" (so sue me, it's been awhile since I've read it or seen any parodies), Touga and his crew still managed to hit all the hotspots that Saionji had mentioned. The Sirens were a nice bunch, though a bit too loud for their own good (yes, they consisted of all men as well), and Circe was actually a really pleasant guy once you got past the whole cannibalism thing. No doubt there was more than one innuendo running through the men's minds as they glided their ship through the straits of…uh…that place where the rocks go smashy (like I said, a long time), and Scylla and Charybdis were just _mean_.

"_Revolutionary Girl Utena_ encourages homosexual lifestyles and rampant incest! It should be banned everywhere!"

"The Japanese are a bunch of perverts! And nothing on that show makes sense!"

"What's the deal with the movie, especially the ending? Why couldn't everything be explained simply and clearly where you don't have to think about things so much, like an American film?"

"Showing them nude like that was bad enough, but displaying two women kissing while riding naked on a bobsled through a dystopian landscape was downright unacceptable!"

"And Miki and Kozue were taking a bath together! Now that's just wrong."

"It also has rape. And cows. And urine!"

"Don't forget all the violence with the duels involved, and the swear words."

"Yes, and most importantly, all the cross-dressing."

"Sir Touga," said the crew, "are we almost finished? I can't take much more of this criticism!"

"Stand firm, men! Remember, they're just close-minded right-wing Republicans who wouldn't know art if it smacked them in the face. (Grumble-grumble they didn't even mention me grumble-grumble)"

……

Finally, after going through all those obstacles and losing every last member of his crew (not to drowning or disasters; they just left him to go have hot lovely mansex with all the pig-sharks and deer-monkeys), Touga returned home to his loving husband, Ruka, who makes his one and only appearance in the series here. They had several orgies (because the ancient Greeks did that sort of thing) and lived happily ever after, but not nearly as happy as Utena, who was revived just so she could live on Lesbos.

She was the only woman there.

The End 

_Stay tuned for the next part!_

_No biologically impossible animals were harmed in the making of this story._


	18. Goodfellas of the Ring

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

The series your parents didn't want you to read.

XVIII: Goodfellas of the Ring

As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a duelist.

My story begins way back when I was just getting out of high school. My uncle Billy the Baggins, who was this big-time big shot in the mob, was celebrating his 111th birthday. The guy was old, see, but fit as a fiddle and as spry as a man half his age. Anyway, he told me he was retiring from the business and wanted me to take over. I said I was happy to oblige, what do I gotta do? He said to me, "Just take over my turf and let it grow on ya, kid. I also wanna give you my old rose crest ring, which has seen me through some pretty tough times." After that, I never saw him again. A rival gang pulled a drive-by while he was taking a ride through the country. Shame it had to happen right after he was retiring, but I made sure those goons didn't get away with what they did to my uncle. I made them pay but good.

That was my very first foray in the mob. I was already a big name, being the heir and nephew of the infamous Billy the Baggins, but now all the rival gangs could see that I could fight back if I was ever provoked. That gave me some room to breathe, so I used this time to consolidate my power, gather my loyal guys together, and start planning for my future. The rose crest ring I had was a symbol of my new strength, and I knew that if I gave the other gangs half a chance, they'd start a little war just to get their greasy hands on it. No way was I forking my uncle's hard-earned turf over to those goons, specially since they were the ones what killed him.

Oh, sorry for the delayed introductions. The name's Tenjou, Utena Tenjou.

My main muscle consisted of three old buddies of mine: Miki the String, named for his garroting penchant; Black Widow Nanami, who loves and leaves them dead; and my right-hand partner, Backbreaker Wakaba, named because of her Vulcan Glomp of Death.

"Patent pending!"

Don't interrupt. Anyway, us Bagginses was having a merry old time spreading our name around, getting people on our side, buying off the police and the judges, creating monopolies, dealing in all sorts of exotic trades—that sort of thing. Nothing we wouldn't be too ashamed to repeat, mind, and we was good at it too, until one day when this old guy came around. He was the big shot above all other big shots—they called him Akio the Wizard, due to his ability to get just about anything he wanted.

"So I'm playing yet another wizened sage, am I?" Akio muttered. I busted his chops and told him to SHADDAP, if he knew what was good for him. I was the boss around here, see, and I didn't take no lip like that. Anyway, Akio came around to visit us Bagginses, and he gives us this big story about how valuable my ring really is. There was something about how the Big Man himself, Johnny Torrio, made even more of these rings and handed them out to all his closest chums. Akio said that whoever had these rings would have all the power in the world, but they'd be marked for life in exchange. He wanted me to get rid of my ring, but there was no way I was destroying everything my uncle had built up—at least, that's what I thought at first. A couple of Bugsy's Wraiths convinced me otherwise.

……

Soon as I had it in my head to get rid of the ring and settle into an honest living (convincing myself that's why my uncle would've wanted), I took a cab with Akio and my muscle. We was meeting an old buddy of his who had connections, but we had to split up later on so that he could go on his own little adventure. I didn't see Akio after that for awhile, but I figured the Wizard could take care of himself. Anyway, my Bagginses and me went over our plans during most of the cab ride, but I figured we'd best not say too much in case the driver was a stoolie.

I paid him to keep his mouth shut once we made it to the pub where Akio said his buddy was. I had a bad feeling about the joint but I didn't let it show; we all gave fake names and ordered a few rounds of drinks. It's no secret that my old partner Wakaba gets stars in her eyes whenever we have a quiet moment together, and I just know that Nanami and Miki huddle together and talk turkey when they think I ain't watching. I trust them enough to leave them alone, but all the same, I had to keep my hands fast and my eyes sharp. No telling who, or what, you could find in a place like this.

Some goon recognized my girl Nanami's face and made a fuss about it. He said how bad he wanted revenge after she slept with his brother and killed him, and we had ourselves a little brawl right there. Some good-looking thing swept in and rescued us before we could knife anybody, and stowed us away in his room, like a real Casanova. He called himself Touga the Strider; he came from the Rangers gang, a distant ally of ours, and gave proof when I showed doubt. He said that he was the guy that Akio wanted us to see, but we should leave soon so that we wouldn't get in any more fights.

For some odd reason, my girl Nanami took a great liking to Touga the Strider, and kept to his side like a shadow as we sent for another cab. Miki and Wakaba didn't like how things was unfolding and didn't know whether we could trust this guy or not, but then I reminded them how he had saved my life, and anyone that really wanted us dead wouldn't do something so dramatic.

"So pipe down!" I said, waving my hand around like I was gonna hit them. We were chased outta the pub by several of Bugsy's Wraiths, and at first we all thought that Touga had given us away. I noticed how these was some of the same Wraiths what attacked me the other day, and they didn't seem too friendly towards our new traveling companion neither. Everyone had a gun and was asked to help scare off the Wraiths, but Touga surprised us all by pulling out a frickin' _rifle_ and blasting away their tires. The Wraiths' scar rolled off the side of the road and made a spectacular crash, with fire and smoke and everything. I didn't think that was the last we'd seen of them, but at least the rest of the road was clear. We was gonna meet up with Akio in a neutral territory, and I heard he was out looking for others to help me out.

I guess this ring of mine was more dangerous than any of us first thought.

……

Once we got settled into the neutral territory (run by this old big shot named Elroy or some crap), Akio gave all of us the bad news. His old business buddy Capone the White had double-crossed us and made deals with Torrio's old gang, the Nine Kings, and that made everything hard for the rest of us. The only good news came when Elroy, our respected host, called up all the independent muscle he could find, and what an all-star cast! There was Saionji the Nail, Salsa Juri, Mitsuru the Snake, and all of us included. Elroy and Akio agreed that all these neutral powers had to combine their strength and see to it that this ring was destroyed and Torrio's Nine Kings was sent to sleep with the fishes.

"Youse nine people betta get dis done right, see?" Elroy pointed at us. Geez, what a load! "If you don't get ridda dis here ring, we better kiss our fortunes and our families g'bye. _Capiche_? From now on, betta call yourselves 'The Goodfellas of da Ring'!" And so, that's how it all started.

……

We all figured the best way to get rid of Torrio's old rose crest ring was to take it to the guy's hideout, smash it in front of his ugly old face, and whack him while we was at it! Now needless to say this was a daring venture, but us nine wise guys figured we had a pretty good chance. Torrio's hideout was way over on the eastern edge of all the territories, and it'd take us days to get there, and no telling whether Capone the White's people would try and stop us. I was glad to be in the company of so many wonderful people, even if it was for a little while.

We each took a limo and made our way to the Moria District, which was crawling with leftovers from all the gangs that was killed in the past few wars. They had all teamed up and staked the entire District out as their own, but we didn't have no choice but to go directly through it and hope that our connections, numbers, and piles of dough would see us through to the end. Trust me, the other way wasn't pretty at all. At least we had us some chance here.

I don't mean to sound like we was in a rush or nothing, but the Leftovers (as they was called) sort of got the drop on all of us, and we fought them with everything we had. You should've seen Juri, Saionji, and Mitsuru going crazy over everything that moved. I was kind of stunned that we didn't hit none of our own in that rotten place. What saved our hides wasn't nothing of our doing, but something that made the whole District rumble and shudder. Akio the Wizard said it was Bruce, the big shot of the District, and his wrecking machine—he used it whenever there was wise guys like us around. I had heard enough—I was outta there!

Bruce was this guy about ten times bigger than all of us, or so it seemed. He was like a walking brick wall that none of us could ever hope to take down. We was almost out of Moria District when he caught up with us and showed off his mean arsenal, but Akio the Wizard got wise and let him have it with some of his own firepower. He told us to amscray away from that rotten place, and I wasn't one to let good words go to waste. I was pretty sure Akio got whacked in that battle, but I ain't heard nothing about Bruce or his machine neither, so I guess they killed each other.

Once we was outta that frying pan, we had a pretty easy time ahead of us since we was entering into Juri's territory. She told us about her family and how they'd take us in, but there was this one dame we all had to watch out for. She was called Gabrielle the Mirror, Irish and mean as a boar, though cute as an angel. Mitsuru said he could take on any woman, even if they was Irish, but he got proven wrong when Juri's family caught us in their territory and took us away. She squared everything off with them pretty good—I think Mitsuru fell in hard with old Gab—and we stayed there for a few days to plan our strategy.

What old Gab told us made us worry even more. Salvatore and his gang was gonna take over the Horse Kings, a small but strong gang further on down south. Saionji's turf was in danger too—he wanted my rose crest ring to grant him the power of revolution or some crap. It seemed like everywhere we turned, there was some other enemy we had to whack. We all decided to split up and cover all our grounds. Wakaba and me was gonna take the rose crest ring and head on over to Torrio's. Miki and Nanami would take a few of their people and hit Salvatore's place directly, while Touga, Juri, and Mitsuru went to give the Horse Kings a hand. We was planning on having Saionji helping my muscle, but somebody caught wind of our plans and hit us pretty hard, taking Saionji down.

"That didn't last," he muttered. Quiet, youse!

……

I wasn't sure if my buddies would do all right, but as long as I had Wakaba and the ring, I figured at least we'd be okay. We took a cab and got as far as the ruins of Salvatore's old place (real nice guy, but not a lucky man), but after that the stupid cabbie got lost and said he couldn't take us nowhere. We both got out and decided to hike the rest of the way, hitching rides whenever we could. Along the way we met this real nice dame; I later learned she had been my uncle's old business partner. Her name was Anthy, and she was real interested in my ring.

"I've been hit almost every time I sit down," I said to her as I showed it off. "We've been holding out pretty well so far, but I dunno how much longer we can last." Anthy didn't like the idea of me going into Torrio's territory or getting rid of the ring, but seeing as how she owed a debt to my uncle, she escorted us as far as she could. While we was gallivanting along Salvatore's old turf, we got word that Touga, Juri, and Mitsuru was having setbacks with the Horse Kings. Capone and his brutes was a tough bunch, but they all pulled together and drove them back; and Miki and Nanami even took over what was left of Capone's place while his main forces were away!

I couldn't tell you how happy this made me. My friends were off giving it good to that sleazeball Capone, so now I had to work even harder so that they wouldn't be disappointed. While Anthy was showing us around, we ran into Saionji's little brother, who was now, it seemed, the hotshot of the White Trees, the biggest gang in the area. I figured since Saionji wasn't able to deliver our special rose crest ring, his little brother wanted to finish the job and take it for himself. The three of us was ready to put up a fight, but in the end he proved to be a pretty decent guy, and let us off the hook. I really owed him now.

After some traveling, we picked up word that Akio the Wizard hadn't been whacked at all.

"Oh, so I _don't_ die in this one?"

Shaddap. Anyhoo, that made me happy, and it also made me happy that they was all fighting for the White Trees now, since Capone was finished and the Horse Kings was on our side. I guess it pays to go outta your way for somebody—you never know when they'll make a good friend. I heard Torrio's forces were going after the White Trees, but I had a feeling Saionji's spirit wouldn't let his little brother or anyone else lose. I just had to focus on getting this rose crest ring destroyed, and bumping off Torrio himself.

……

I had my doubts about our respectable guide, especially after she led us into Shera's territory. That woman has caused my crew plenty of problems in the past, and she nearly knocked me off and stole my ring for her own. Wakaba was a real champion that day, though, and made Shera wish she had never crossed our paths. I was in a good mood, though, and decided to let Anthy off the hook, specially since she had helped a little in that last fight. Besides, I was sleeping with her.

- - - - -

_Extra, extra!_

_I live in a small family, so I have to keep all of my brothers and sisters close._

_But what about your friends? There are some secrets you only reveal to your friends._

_Oh? Like what?_

_Like…one time, I cheated on my history exam!_

_Did you really? If my mother and father found out, they'd be furious!_

_But there are some secrets only your family should know._

_Mother, father, this is hard for me to say, but…I've decided to shave my head!_

_Oh darling, what a bold statement! And donating your hair to cancer patients is so noble!_

_But what about your enemies? Do you tell them any secrets?_

_Oh, I have no enemies._

_No enemies, you say?_

_That's right, no enemies!_

_But why? Surely there's somebody who hates you._

_Nope, not a single one._

_Why not?_

_Because… Because I…KILL THEM ALL!_

_Oh no! Ack!_

"You should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Every gangster knows that!"

_Just not THAT close!_

_(Smooch!)_

- - - - -

Anyway, right before we left for Torrio's hideout, we got a wire from all our friends. Touga and everyone else was able to drive out the Nine Kings and all the other gangs. Everyone on our side made a new deal that was gonna benefit everybody, and it looked like the only thread to resolve was ours. With Torrio's turf right in front of our eyes, none of us figured we had anything to lose. We all made our feelings known to each other and set out, but the going was tough. We didn't expect to get captured like we did, but the point is that we was taken directly to Johnny Torrio himself.

The Big Boss asked to have his ring back, and said we could have whatever we wanted in exchange. Now I didn't exactly wanna give up all that power, but neither did I wanna be marked for life. I threw the rose crest ring down and smashed it with my foot, then Wakaba pulled out a nine and filled Mr. Torrio full of lead. What a dame! At that moment, though, Anthy told us that she had been spying on us this whole time, and she was one of Torrio's people. Seeing as how there was no more Big Boss to follow, I figured she'd just quit and come along with us, but stories don't usually end so well. She took me in her arms and shot me, then stabbed herself at the same time. As I blacked out, my life flashed before my eyes, and I could hear Wakaba calling my name.

What a gyp.

……

And so…

"So is that all?" Touga wondered.

"Seems that way," Miki replied.

"That really doesn't seem fair. Nobody really got a good part. I feel we were all just thrown to the side and ignored. Now I know what a Hobbit feels like."

"Yes, and two of us died again," Saionji mentioned. "I don't know about any of you, but frankly, I'm sick of being knocked off. Just for once, I'd like to see one of these things through to the end."

"Forget about it, Saionji," Touga sighed. "It's Chinatown. Let it go."

_**The End!**_

Eko: Stay tuned for the next installment!

Ako: Hastily written with lame humor in mind!

Cko: Who knows what sort of fairy tale we'll parody next!

Eko: Or who will be killed! Will Saionji ever last more than five paragraphs?

Ako: Will Akio keep getting wizened sage roles? Keep reading, everyone!

Cko: You never know! The next chapter might actually make sense!

All: Do you know, do you know, do you really know?

Juri: I demand recompense!

All: SHUT UP, JURI!!


	19. Hairway to Heaven

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

And now, for something completely indifferent.

Version 19.3: Hairway to Heaven

Once upon a time…

"I have no time for that now!" Saionji suddenly screamed. "Zombie Tchaikovsky is on the loose again! If I don't stop him now, he's going to destroy Christmas!"

"Rawr!" growled Zombie Tchaikovsky. "Me smash Christmas! Destroy holiday cheer!"

"You sick bastard!" Saionji roared, preparing his catapult. "Take THIS!" The machine sent a ginormous boulder hurtling through the air, whereby it hit Zombie Tchaikovsky in the HEAD!

"Ow!" roared the Zombie. "Me head hurt! Get revenge by eating North Pole! Santa go squash!" As the indestructible agent of living death marched towards the tip of the world, Saionji knew there was only one way he could defend the cherished winter holiday—he had to summon the Harlem Globetrotters!

……

Meanwhile, in a saner world, there once lived a princess who, legend has it, was born out of the rapunzel weeds that grew in the flower garden. Since all of the doctors back then were obviously cuckoo, everyone believed this to be a fact since the king and queen said so. As the princess grew into a lovely young lady, her hair became her most treasured feature, and soon it became so lengthy and strong that no comb could tame it and no shear could cut it; the forest had to be contained with steel wires and magical ribbons

When this princess turned thirteen, a terrible witch came knocking at the castle door one day. Unlike most witches, who are actually pretty cool when you get to know them, this one was just downright MEAN. Even though she did knock, that's where her courtesy ended! She stormed right into the audience chamber and glared at the king and queen!

"Grr! I need to steal me another princess! The last one was too rebellious, sexy, and tomboyish for me to handle! Curse these modern epic fairy tales and their increased number of independent women! Curse their bones, I says!"

"Shut up, Juri," yawned Touga, the king.

"And another thing!" blurted the witch. "Why does everybody tell me to shut up? This is the truth here, people!"

"Take her away," commanded Shiori, the queen. Juri the witch was now hopping mad!

"Oooh, I hate you, Shiori! You're even meaner than I am! C'mon, just one princess! That's all I'm asking! Just so long as she's not one of these modern-day metrosexual Amazons!"

"Well," murmured the queen in thought, "we do have a disgraceful and annoying daughter who is unattractive, subservient, feminine, and shockingly dependent, but I must warn you, she'd very high-maintenance."

"What are you planning on doing with a princess, anyway?" Touga wondered.

"Oh, you know, evil witch business. I'll stow her away in a tower and wait for some hapless knight to rescue her."

"And then what?"

"Seduce the knight, of course. We witches tend to get lonely in our towers."

"Ah, that explains everything," Touga said. "I've always wondered why witches keep princesses in their towers. Do you think it's the same for dragons?"

"No, they just like the company."

"Ah, makes sense. Well, unfortunately, we can't give you our daughter unless you ask very nicely." Juri took a deep breath, braced herself, and fluttered her eyelashes as she unveiled her rarely seen "cute face".

"_Pweeeeeeeeeease?_ May I please kidnap your daughter and use her as bait to snag me a handsome knight?"

"Since you asked so nicely, you may."

"Thank you, your highness! I'll be kidnapping your daughter now!"

See? This witch was pure malevolent evil!

……

Now that he had the Harlem Globetrotters on his side, there was no way Saionji could lose! But alas, Zombie Tchaikovsky had just recently arrived at the North Pole, and he was already creating a big mess! Using the magic of the Globetrotters, Saionji traveled all the way up to the top of the world, where the deciding battle would take place!

"I've caught you now, Zombie Tchaikovsky!" he exclaimed bravely as he faced the decomposer (yeah, I know that was awful). "Now that you're cornered, prepare to face the wrath of Kyoichi Saionji and the Harlem Globetrotters!"

"Grr!" replied the evil undead. "Me smash green-haired fool and basketball team! They cheaters! Zombie Tchaikovsky hate cheaters! Grr!" Saionji and the Globetrotters flew into battle, sailing and flying majestically as the undead musician tried swatting them down. He was no match for the superior skills of the Globetrotters or the…the, uh…the… (bear with me here, I'm trying to think of a quality that poor Saionji has that could be useful here) Ah! The zombie was no match for the way that Saionji was always a jerk! Yes! Using his destructive powers of Being a Jerk, teamed up with the almightiness of the Globetrotters, Saionji destroyed Zombie Tchaikovsky and saved Christmas!

……

And now, back to the main story!

"It's about time!" Nanami exclaimed as she leaned out of the witch's tower. "You spent almost all this time focused on things that were completely irrelevant. I mean, what does Tchaikovsky and Saionji have to do with retelling the story of Rapunzel?"

"(Psst! Nanami!)" It was Miki, whispering to her from afar. "(Didn't you pay attention? We're not going for the 'fourth wall humor' anymore! Just stick to the original plans!")

"Oh, all right," she sighed. "At least I'm the title character, and I don't have anything _too_ weird happening to me. Anyway—ahem—I'm a lonely and desperate princess with beautiful long hair! I've been trapped inside the witch's tower for her amusement! She forces me to…(shudder) COOK for her! Can you imagine? It's like I'm her prisoner or something! Isn't there a brave and noble knight who could save me?" She then whirled around and glared right at Miki. "Well? Isn't there?"

"Don't look at me!" he stuttered, slinking away quickly. "I'm not even in this story!"

"Oh, rats," she sighed. "I really wanted to be saved by Miki this time. It's always the last person I want to see, though."

"Fourth wall!" Miki hissed.

And so… 

As our dear princess waited in her tower for a knight to appear, combing her gargantuan hair, bitching and moaning like always (hee-hee!), Saionji and the Globetrotters were making their way south from Santa's workshop, their hearts aglow with victory. But wouldn't you know it, the merry old elf got in trouble with the IRS again, and Godzilla was threatening to…

"ENOUGH!" Nanami screamed as she waved her arms in the air. "That's going too far! This story is about ME! It's about RAPUNZEL! It's about my luxurious long hair and how I get to be with the prince of my dreams! Christmas and Globetrotters and…and…_Godzilla_ do not factor into the equation! And furthermore…whuh-whuh-WHOAAA!!!" While Nanami was ranting, she leaned so far out beyond the window that she fell out—whoops! Her ridiculously long hair saved her, though; she had kept it so knotted and braided that it was now looped around just about everything in her room. One can only imagine how loud she was screaming.

"SON OF A…"

And just at that very moment, along came a brave and valiant prince!

"Squee!!"

But it wasn't Miki.

"Aw, snap!!" It was Saionji!

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" he cried. Unfortunately, he failed to realize that Nanami was hanging from the window by the very locks he sought to climb.

"You ignoramus! Boisterous swine! Cad-toothed villain! Knock-kneed bagger-goat! Knuckle-driver! Bushwhacker! Horn-swaggler! Cracker-croaker!"

"Easy there," he muttered. "Let's not change the rating here."

"Fourth wall!" Miki coughed.

"And don't you DARE look up my dress!" Nanami roared as she swung there defenselessly. Saionji blushed.

"Too late."

"PERVERT!!" Suddenly, all the swaying and struggling mounted to a crescendo, breaking Nanami free of her bondage…and much of her prized hair. She came hurtling down to the ground, shrieking the whole way, and landed flat on Saionji's head, killing him at once.

Somewhere in the distance, Utena sighed and put another mark on the tally.

"Oh dear," Nanami groaned as she struggled to stand. "I've killed my prince. What's more is that all of my hair is gone. My mother and father sold me out to a witch, my story was ruined by a nonsensical Christmas plot, and to top it all off…MY DRESS IS RUINED!!! This sucks!" Even though Nanami deserved most of what fate had given her, one couldn't help but feel sorry for her as she sat there crying in the mud. Just then, Saionji's squire came running along, clearly too late to save his master—but not too late to save the damsel in distress.

"Are you all right, miss? Can you stand? Here, let me help you up." Sniffling, Nanami looked up into the face of her savior. It was Mitsuru.

"Mitsuru, I…"

"Don't worry," he said, sensing her apprehension. "You'll always be my princess, Miss Nanami." His shining face and pure honesty broke her heart, and she collapsed in his arms to weep for joy.

"Oh Mitsuru! You really have always been there for me, haven't you?"

"Yes, and I always will in the future."

"Mitsuru…" Even though Nanami was dirty, her hair was ripped and askew, and she had lost her family and kingdom, this young boy was still willing to open his heart for her. Gently she kissed him, tears mixing in as the fairy tale they once laughed at now became so beautifully real.

The End Stay tuned for the next installment! Otherwise, your succotash will suffer! 

……

Epilogue 

"Miki!" said Juri, pointing to her blue-haired lackey. "Where is the princess? Did the prince come to steal her back while I was breaking Santa Claus out of jail?"

"Um, well, sort of," he murmured.

"_Sort_ of? That's either a yes or a no answer, Miki!"

"Well…in that case…the answer is yes. But the prince is dead now!"

"Dead?" This was new. Usually in these sorts of stories, the prince didn't die, at least not until after he had rescued the princess. "Well then, where is the princess?"

"Someone else took her," he answered.

"Who was it, you?"

"No, Mitsuru."

"MITSURU?" Juri blurted. "Curse those bones! I wanted to seduce _you_," she sulked, poor thing.

"I hate this series," Miki grumbled.


	20. Robin in da Hood

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

Part of this unbalanced breakfast.

20/20 Vision: Robin in da Hood

("The Thieving Magpie" plays as the camera pans to Utena Robin Hood and her band of Merry Droogs)

There was me, that's Utena, and my Droogs—that is, the major characters of the anime—and we were all lollygagging around Sherwood Forest as we racked our minds trying to make out how to best invest our time this coming night. The Sheriff of Nottingham, a bit of an old weasel, had his men carousing around our forest stealing and killing as they pleased, and it didn't bode well with us upstanding hoodlums to have that awful man breathing down our vulnerable necks.

"Tonight we set out," Touga snarled, his face curled with the grin of a bloodthirsty jackal. "The Sheriff will get what's coming to him tonight."

"Aye, and on the morrow we free Friar Miki Tuck from his clutches," Nanami added, waving her hand around as if it were a sharpened blade. I eyed my blonde counterpart and understood her desires. The Friar was a gay and hale man, quick to laugh or tilt back a flagon of ale, and to have him locked in a cage felt all criminal-like. I told my Droogs we'd have to face one task at a time, but a row came about as a few of my closest chums suggested splitting our forces apart and hitting the vile Sheriff on two fronts.

"Why wait for night?" said Little John Juri. "Either this one or any other? I say we sweep down like ravens and shred the Sheriff apart with all haste."

"Patience, my small friend," I purred, covering her hungry hand. "The night is swift, and darkness has ever been our ally. A dual quest cannot be made in such a late time."

"And yet our benevolent priest rots," Nanami indicated, a head most wise and unbecoming of her mouth.

"Too true, sister," quoth Touga, "yet if the Sheriff is not stopped upon this night, I'll wager my own heart's desire that his rampage may continue."

"Worthy Droogs!" cried Saionji as he stood, commanding our attention like a bronze sculpture, Adonis-impersonator. "We sacrifice time with each argument. I say let the Sheriff's forces be made an example now, and when morning arrives, we may slither to Friar Miki Tuck's cage and break his lock whilst our enemy is gasping from his last defeat."

"An excellent proposal!" I cried, laughing at how noble and glorious we would become in the near future. And O, what a procession we were when I gave out the word! I was there with scores of friends: Touga and Saionji, and Nanami, and Little John Juri; lords and maidens of the noblest heart were our only companions missing from the delightful convoy! The woods were aflame with our laughter and song—we'd never allow a single real spark to ignite their sylvan passions! Naturally, upon our encounter with the Sheriff's lowly thugs, we negotiated their terms of surrender.

"Your money or your lives!"

They always choose the latter. It does make me smile!

Oh, and what a spectacular battle there was, my brothers and friends. Their numbers were inferior to ours, and not quite as heartened to the battle. Our thirst for blood and glory and vengeance for all the lives lost could not be slaked with their miniscule defenses, and soon the grasses became piled with their corpses, each Droog glowing with victory. A patrol guard was assembled to make sure no more of our dear Sheriff's friends would ever return; then, we retired, having experienced an evening of some energy expenditure.

……

Dawn was no stranger to Droogs like us. We merry men (and obligatory I, alongside Nanami) slept when the moon fell and woke when the sun rose; ours seemed an omnipresent vigil in Sherwood Grove. Our next venture into nobility involved rescuing Friar Miki Tuck, a dear young chap who had devoted himself to the drink first, then the cross, and finally the crown, though he held no love for our rotting King John.

(scene cut: King John is killed and Emperor Palpatine takes his place)

"The first thing I am going to do is wipe out the Jedi!" he decrees. "The second thing I'm going to do is send the Sheriff of Nottingham out to murder Utena Robin Hood and her merry men (and Nanami)! The third thing I'm going to do is ban recess!"

"Hey! You can't do that!" a bunch of kids say. Then they run over to Emperor Palpatine, kick him in the shin, pull his Sith hood over his face, and run away laughing.

"D'ohh! You rotten kids! I'll get you for this!!"

(scene cut: Robin Utena Hood and her merry men plus Nanami are making their way to the dungeon and/or tower where Friar Miki Tuck is being held!)

Further rumor amused our ears as we traveled the lands. Maidens of purest virtue were being locked up by the Sheriff and his wicked King—erm, Emperor—and we were not the sort to let any lady suffer imprisonment, whether they deserved it or not. As a matter of fact, the more dangerous a prisoner is, the more likely we'll set out to rescue them! And as everyone knew, any enemy of Emperor Palpatine's was a good friend of ours.

"This tower is taller than I recall," Little John Juri muttered, glancing skyward to penetrate its mighty apex. I saluted the climbing sun and cleaved our party in half.

"The good Friar must be in the dungeon below," I pointed. "Meanwhile, said pure maidens, each a model of chastity and beauty (no snickering, now!), are logically in the uttermost top chambers of yon tower. I know this to be true since every fairy tale agrees and they are never wrong!" And so our merry band split into halves, I taking the tower and my trusted friends the dungeon. Up and around the stairs did we fly, twirling into dizzy spires and nauseating curls, twisting and twitching and swishing and swashing, until we all felt nearly disgusted to our stomachs, but at last we made it, and the sight of those luscious maidens rejuvenated our hearts (and lungs!).

"Maid Anthy Marion!" I cried, embracing my long-lost lover. You can bet that Shiori, Mitsuru, and Kozue were here as well, each to greet their own respective lover—but first we had to descend, once more creeping into the spiraling vortex! It was some time before the world stopped spinning—but when all was said, done, and discussed, our friends grew in number and our merriment inflated to a grand scale. Friar Miki Tuck embraced Kozue…

"Nope, I'm not going to do it," he pouted all of a sudden. "I won't participate in a twincestual relationship. There's no way you can make me."

"It's either Kozue or one of us," Saionji said, indicating his own self alongside Touga. I don't believe our religious friend liked either option; he chose to continue his celibate road, upsetting all the women. Since her brother was now lost forever to the seductions of a stale cross and an invisible God, Kozue instead chose Shiori as her lover, and I do not think that Little John Juri had any opposition to this at all, since Wakaba's image had graced that locket of hers for some time now. Who'd a-thunk it?

……

Naturally, our heist of the lords, maidens, and pseudo-celibate friars quickly became a hot topic. We didn't think Emperor Palpatine would let this criminal act slip through his fingers, which was why he sent forty of his strongest men to invade our humble sylvan paradise. Now we did not quite number forty (a dozen or so, I think), so we could not fight against this future threat. There was only one solution: hire seven samurai to do the job for us! And luckily for us, Little John Juri knew a few people…

("The Ballad of William Tell", aka "Lone Ranger's theme song" plays as Kikuchiyo rides in on a horse to save the day)

"Hi-ho Silver, awaaaaaaayyyy!!!"

And lo, our samurai friends returned to render their services once again. The battle was bittersweet, O my brothers and friends, for many lives were lost—on the enemy's side, of course! Our ranks were like the gods, ethereal and majestic, sweeping in like a cold breeze to wash away stagnation. The day was over before our love of the fight could end, and many enemies laid strewn about, likes autumn leaves after a squall. Our vote was cast and decided later: we would penetrate the Sheriff's own residence and force him into a, say, permanent retirement.

"But what about us?!" Kikuchiyo bellowed.

"What about us?" Kambei muttered. "We've served our purpose. A cameo appearance is meant to be brief."

"Can't say it's been very fun," Gorobei muttered. I too was grieved to see such worthy samurai abandon us, but this was our tale to spin, and theirs was but a thread in the larger quilt.

Now it's no secret that it was our destiny to face the filthy Sheriff in a clash of powers, O my brothers and friends. I as the true lady of Locksley had a right to his neck; he had no privilege regarding my property. We merry folk existed solely to stymie his efforts, but now I felt (with lost comrades regained) it was time to usurp his ill-gotten throne at last, and to overthrow the rule of our terrifying Emperor.

(scene cut: Palpatine is being bullied by the kids yet again)

As I said, terrifying. T'was our duty to see him suffering and lost from our realm, but alas, that notorious Sheriff stood in our way. My Droogs were simply itching for a grand battle that would sum up their careers as my allies, and as we infiltrated the Sheriff's manor, I set off for the lord by myself whilst they kept the security occupied.

"So basically, we get the guards," Touga muttered.

"Aye, but there are scores of them."

"And you, the main character, get to hog the leader again."

"What do you expect from an anime, Touga?" Saionji posed. Everyone had to concede to his point, and thus our forces were hewn again. I myself found a worthy pastime careening through the Sheriff's hallways to the delightful melodies of my comrades in battle, and decided to conclude everything by knocking upon his door. The portal opened of its own accord, and inside was none other than…

"Gendo Ikari!?!?"

_Dun-dun-dun!!_

"Correct," said Ikari. "I'm the Sheriff of Nottingham, your sworn enemy."

"These crossovers are getting worse every chapter," I muttered.

"Fourth wall!" Miki coughed. Ikari snarled and whipped out a dueling-saber, but I brought forth an even deadlier tool.

"Prepare to face the wrath of my chocolate party cake!!"

"What?" he grumbled—but it was too late. The bane of Palpatine's existence, that band of children who defeated him time and again, came swarming in and devoured my prize, sending Gendo's room into an uproar. The vile Sheriff could not handle such a maelstrom, and backed away until he fell through his open window, careening towards his delightfully gruesome demise.

"YOU ROTTEN KIDS!! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!"

At last, the enemy was vanquished. But now we had an Emperor to deal with!

……

"This is unacceptable!" Palpatine stuttered as he realized Sheriff Gendo Ikari was dead. "Totally unacceptable! How could my extremely evil henchman lose? He was the biggest bastard in the entire universe! It looks like I will have to destroy these hoodlums myself!"

This inner monologue was brought to you by the plot police—who, as it was, are on our payroll. Dear brothers and friends, I can only presume by your yawns that this story bores you and you seek an end to its delights. T'was not your humble narrator who scaled the final tower to destroy this last wicked man—oh no, it was Shiori, who—stricken with grief after being abandoned by Juri once and for all—requested the honors herself. I could not deny her this pleasure, and so I set about assisting my cherished Droogs in their battle against the legions of guards. Shiori, dear friend, made it into the Emperor's keep and unleashed her most devastating attack:

She turned into a mermaid and started rapping.

_Yo_ _Emperor my homie, we gonna bury ya six feet under_

_We trashin' ya manor, rip your banner, shoot you like a bolt of thunder_

_Everyday you're alive is a thorn in our side, yo_

_So we gonna smash your face and rip your hide, yo_

_Hey! What? Okay! Yeah!_

_Down on the street I'm gonna beat, stop to eat precious meat_

_Slap you in the face when I finish the race I want just a taste_

_Of the good life, so ya better die fool_

_I'll dance on your grave it'll be cool_

You get the idea.

"Enough!" screamed the Emperor as he covered his ears. "I can't take any more awful lyrics!"

"You think you have problems?" Shiori snorted. "Kozue tricked me into putting the cursed clamshell bra on again. Curse her and her kinky sex games!" She and the Emperor struggled for dominance, O bewildered friends, but it was the group of children, ever precocious, who stormed in and saved the day, giving the Emperor an atomic wedgie he wouldn't soon forget.

"Blast!" he squawked. "Curse you rotten evil children! You won't get away with this!" The children laughed in triumph; of course they would get away with it all. As Shiori descended from his room in triumph, tossing herself into Kozue's grip, the good King Akio came, deposed the Emperor, and everyone got married and lived happily ever after. Except Palpatine and Ikari, of course. Sucks to be them!

_The End_

_Stay tuned for the next installment!_

_It's what Curly would do._


	21. Matches on a Soft Winter Day

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

Chiho Saito does not endorse this product.

Blackjack: Matches on a Soft Winter Day

It felt good being away from Shiori. I was weak when I kept her in my thoughts, stagnant and motionless like a lioness that has allowed a vulture to chew away at her skin, as she lies there, motionless in the sun. Shiori was my vulture and my gallows: the necklace I wore was a noose, strangulating until suffocation overcame me. Perhaps a lack of air caused my mind to shut down and feel obligated to enjoy this false sensuality, but now that the circle is broken and I am free to breathe once more, I can feel happy and clean again.

I never thought I'd start dating Wakaba, of all people, yet being around her was as refreshing as a morning in springtime, where the air is still quiet and the grasses are dew-pearled. I found interacting with her to be a completely different experience than being around Shiori: for one, she didn't choke me or weigh me down or cause me such grief. The situation was quite the opposite, actually: I felt more alive and open and…well, happier than I can ever remember being. She's not the kind of girl who'd destroy you or wreck your life or cause you any pain; Wakaba was a heartbreakingly beautiful masterpiece, and I wondered how I could've ever been alive before meeting her.

Our first sessions together were timid and clumsy. She fawned over me as all people tend to do, and we got all the "getting to know you" crap out of the way pretty quickly. She wasn't into girls, she just wanted to talk with me since we had worked together on so many of these productions. I found her mere presence entrancing, and thanked my fortunes that we had costarred so often. I kissed her that evening and wasn't rebuked for it. I didn't repulse her. Maybe we could do this some other time.

I tried not to sacrifice my present for nostalgic memories. Every moment I spent with her—even those fleeting seconds when all we could exchange was a look—they were all special. Our romance for the audience was unpredictable and silly, but off-stage, it was blistering and slow, crazy and unexplainable but so, so good for the both of us. We dated for weeks after, even visiting each other at our rooms. Hers was a wreck, of course, so we made a day by cleaning it. I was embarrassed to bring her into my impeccable fortress, but she told me she didn't come for the décor—she came for me.

I won't say how many times we've made love since this spectacle began, I'll just say that it happened, and I felt complete for the first time ever.

One wintry night, after our usual bedtime romp-and-pomp, we realized that we were both too restless to retire, and it was such a beautiful evening that even sex couldn't quite cut it for us both. We sought an even more intimate pastime, and Wakaba, my dear new lover, requested that I read to her a story. Flustered yet honored at the same time, I chose a classic that my mother once read to my sister and I, way back when we were so young and impressionable. It was humbly titled "The Matchstick Girl", and this is how it goes…

……

Once upon a bleak December night, a few days before the Yuletide season, there lived a small girl who had no place to call home, and no family to take care of her. She had lived with her grandmother until recently, but the old woman had passed away last year, leaving her all alone. The girl had no money, so she sold matchsticks all day long in the bitter cold.

"Matchsticks, matchsticks, a coin apiece!" This was her song, and she sang it well, but her voice was cold and shaky, because the wind thrust itself against her frigid body. Nobody ever bought any matches from this poor little girl; they just ignored her, walking here and there with their coats and their parcels, preparing themselves for the holidays.

"Matchsticks to light the fire!" she said, though nobody heeded her words. Gradually, the sky turned dark, and the crowds began to thin as a strong chill settled upon the streets. The matchstick girl was left all alone in the frigid air, so she lit several matches to keep herself warm. As she grew colder and weaker, the matches began to dwindle and die out, until only one was left. However, this one did not go out like the others, but rather it grew stronger and brighter. Suddenly, a glowing person walked up to her, smiling in the snow. It was her grandmother.

"Granny, what are you doing here?" asked the girl.

"I've come to take you home with me," she replied with a big smile. She drew the girl into her arms, and together they ascended into Heaven. When morning came, the people walked out of their homes and resumed their daily activity, but none of them noticed a small child lying frozen on the snow, clutching a single matchstick in her fingers…

……

My lover was right to cry, for my sister and I had done the same thing when our mother read it to us. I kissed her and drew the sweet moisture from her face, and held her in my arms until a calm settled over us. I told this dear girl I loved her, and she replied in kind, our hearts now aglow for each other. Then, gently, she suggested reading the story again, but instead, she would tell it to me. I could never imagine a more beautiful pastime, so I gave her permission and snuggled into the arms of my angel.

……

Once upon a time, there was a girl with a flamethrower! She burnt all the mean people in the village and then ran outside and became Queen of the whole world! With the power of her flamethrower she slaughtered sixteen dragons and saved a hundred maidens, then they all went to her palace and had a ginormous orgy! Suddenly, in the middle of all the fun, the Crimson Permanent Assurance crashed through the palace, and all the pirates swooped out and started a huge war! Captain Wakaba was the leader, and she demanded all the maidens as a trophy for her latest conquest!

Just as things were looking dark for the Queen of the whole world, Godzilla stomped in and smashed the Crimson Permanent Assurance's boat to smithereens! Saionji and the Harlem Globetrotters were there to save the day, though, and combined with the Seven Samurai, they drove Godzilla away! Just then, Touga had the Bowling Ball of Death shoot its laser of destruction, wiping out everyone except Captain Wakaba and the Queen of the whole world!

"It looks like we'll have to battle to the death!" said Captain Wakaba, looking very dashing and cool.

"I agree," said the Queen of the whole world, and they went after each other like crazy dogs! Eventually they fought to a draw, and by that time, they realized that they were in love! So Wakaba and the Queen got married, had four kids, and lived extremely happily ever after! The end!

……

Wow. That is _not_ what I had in mind. Wakaba just giggled, though, and snuggled close to me, calling me her very special queen of the world. She always knew how to make me feel better; just being with her uplifted all of my spirits. Even though her story was a little…unorthodox, I enjoyed it nonetheless. You gotta take the humor along with the drama sometimes—and let's not forget romance!

Outside, the snow continued to fall as we held each other close. I tried to keep my eyes open as long as possible—I didn't want to stop looking at this beauty—but eventually they shut, and I was comforted by the gentle lullaby of slumber and an angel's rhythmic snoring.

_The End!_

_Stay tuned for the next installment!_

_It's an offer you can't refuse! (not really)_


	22. The Upside Down Emerald City

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

All your base are now belong to Chu-chu.

Catch 22: The Upside-Down Emerald City

It was a perfectly normal day in Ohtori Academy—well, scratch that. It was a truly bizarre day, actually, because nothing strange was happening. Elephants weren't running loose, nobody was switching personalities thanks to explosive curry, Kozue wasn't hitting on her brother, and nobody was having swords drawn from their bodies. In short, it was perhaps the weirdest day at Ohtori ever, and Wakaba Shinohara was feeling it.

She was just walking back to her dorm after visiting Juri, her secret lover. Miss Arisugawa had come down with a bad cold, and as always, Wakaba was willing to help. The only reason she didn't stick around was because she didn't want to catch the fever herself—plus, she had volunteered to take care of Chu-chu and now it was time to return him to his mistress. The wind began to pick up as she strolled down the sidewalk, and trees quivered and bowed in her presence, as if she were a terrifying deity and they were worshipping her. Naturally, the breeze teased at her skirt, flipping it playfully for all to see. Wakaba shrieked and tried making herself decent, cursing the wind under her breath.

"We'd better get going!" she said to her tiny companion. "If we're not careful, we could get blown away!" She plucked Chu-chu from the sidewalk and stuffed him in her parcel, then sprinted home before the wind could become any more violent. She wasn't so fast, though: her hair became undone and her underwear was on full display as the gust tore through the school (though to be fair, she wasn't the only one experiencing involuntary exposure). She just barely made it inside her dorm and let out a sigh of relief as the wind howled after her. Well, so much for an abnormal day…

Suddenly, the entire dorm shook, and Wakaba was thrown to the floor. She landed with a painful thud and groaned from the immediate shock of pain. The world felt wobbly and unstable to her, like she had been drinking or spinning around or was on some carnival ride. She just managed to climb up and look out her window, and gasped as she saw, of all things, a tornado tearing through her beloved academy. No words sufficed for her surprise; she hunkered down and decided to bear the brunt of nature's wrath underneath her bed, taking Chu-chu with her.

It seemed to take a considerable length of time before things calmed down again. Wakaba peeked out from under her bed, wondering if an earthquake had joined the disastrous party at the last minute. That would've accounted for the rumbling (and it would've bumped the day's conditions to "normal" again), but she doubted two natural disasters would team up like that. Gingerly, she crept from her room, morbidly curious about the condition of the outside world. Was everything askew? Were there gaping cracks in the ground? Had everything shifted around, resulting in a catastrophic new look for the school? Was anybody hurt? She panicked as she thought of Juri and her illness, and tried calling her. There was no answer.

She bravely stormed outside, heedless of any potential dangers, but was suddenly paralyzed as she opened the door. The world that greeted her now was a transformed one, all right, but it was so radically different from Ohtori that at first, Wakaba couldn't believe her eyes. The land was bright and brimming with color, shining emerald with flashing lavender, deep rich reds and rolling blues, like beholding the swan song of a master painter. She pinched herself and bit her tongue—nope, everything here was perfectly real; she even touched and smelled it. The scent was wild but serene, and it made her head tingle and her toes curl.

"Chu-chu," she murmured, "I don't think we're in Ohtori Academy anymore."

……

She explored this vibrant new world tentatively. It felt like she was placing herself on forbidden ground: everything was so striking and quiet that she wondered if she was even supposed to be there! But she had to make sure Juri was okay, and if this was the only path available to her, then she'd just have to walk it. After wandering around the lush garden with Chu-chu perched atop her shoulder, she began hearing noises and wondered what else was there in that utopia with her. A young boy emerged from the bushes; he himself appeared just as green and alive as the flora he emerged from, and Wakaba wondered if he was a fairy of some kind.

"Hello," she greeted. He seemed quite a peaceful lad and even waved back.

"Oh, hello! You're the one, aren't you? You killed the Wicked Bitch of the East!"

"I what?"

"The Bitch of the East—you killed her!" Wakaba's face became as colorful as her surroundings, blue and green and red and even purple washing over her. She gasped, her heart thudding wildly.

"I WHAAAAT? I _killed_ somebody?"

"Well, your house did. Look! The Bitch's head is directly underneath!" She whirled around and almost screamed. There, resting painfully underneath the weight of her dorm room, was a woman's head, vaguely reminiscent of Kozue Kaoru. The woman's face suddenly winced, and she groaned to life.

"Mitsuru the Munchkin, I'm not dead yet."

"Oh. Well, your house mortally crushed the Bitch of the East!"

"If somebody could just spare me a car jack and lift this thing off, I may have a chance of recovery."

"No Monty Python jokes for you, Nessarose!" came another voice, throaty and rich like a grand bird of paradise. Wakaba noticed a beautiful woman strolling through the garden, followed by people who were all small in stature, roughly Mitsuru's height.

"Hello," Wakaba said, bowing properly. "My name's Wakaba, and this is Chu-chu. I don't really know what's going on—"

"Oh, it's simple," the woman said. "Your house came falling from the sky and smashed the Bitch of the East, thereby ending her reign of sexy terror. You are now in the land of Oy, and these little ones are the Munchkins, who have been freed from the Bitch's sexy evil. I am Galinda, the Bitch of the North."

"You look like Shiori," Wakaba indicated.

"Well, I'm not," snarled Galinda, whacking Wakaba with her plastic wand.

"Ow, geez, okay, you're not. Say Shio—uh, I mean, _Galinda_—do you know how I can get to Juri's house from here? It's very important; I need to see if she's okay."

"Who is Juri?" Wakaba blushed from embarrassment. She had never publicly admitted her feelings before, not even to Utena…but now she felt like she owed her lover that distinction.

"Juri is…my girlfriend. She's very special to me! Please help me find her!"

"Oh, so you're in a same-sex relationship? No problem!" Galinda chirped. "After all, Oy is the land that's 'over the rainbow'."

There is an awkward pause.

"If you know what I mean."

"Yeah, thanks," Wakaba deadpanned. Galinda waved her wand towards the horizon, indicating an invisible goal for Wakaba to aim for.

"In the center of Oy lies an upside-down Emerald City, where the magnificent Wizard resides. There you may ask of him to take you straight to your beloved's door. However, first you must travel down the Yellow Brick Road."

"Can't I take a bus?"

"No, buses stopped coming after the Vinkus went on strike. You also can't fly since that's the business of the Quadlings, and who'd ever want to talk with them?"

"(They never discussed this in the movie,)" Wakaba muttered under her breath.

"Fourth wall!" coughed Mitsuru. Someone had to do it since Miki wasn't around!

"Anyway, if you want to see the Wizard, you'll have to go down this brick road. But be careful! Elphaba, the Wicked Bitch of the West, will have her eye on you! That's her sister you crushed, so she'll want revenge!"

"Actually, I'm Galinda's girlfriend," said Nessarose, who was still alive. "Elphaba will probably be pleased that I'm dead and Galinda's miserable. She and Galinda used to be an item, but they had a falling out and now—"

"No talking, Smashy McSmashton!" Galinda shrieked as she blasted Nessarose's head—and that was the end of her. "So now you're off! Mitsuru the Munchkin and I will be waiting to hear from you! Good luck!" Wakaba didn't appreciate being shoved onto the Yellow Brick Road, but she figured it was better to get away from Galinda before things got really weird—or really normal, who knows.

……

A journey is a good way to clear one's mind. At first, thoughts of Juri's well-being started to gnaw at Wakaba's moral foundation, and being in a foreign (albeit beautiful) world didn't help evacuate her concerns. But after a few minutes, when sweat began trickling down her skin and her legs began to loosen up from the exercise, her doubts and fears slowly melted away, until only a serene state of mind remained, clouding her and comforting her in this hour of need. The weather was perfect and the wind kissed her face with gentleness; the song of hundreds of birds broke the tranquil silence and Chu-chu's squeaking ensured that she'd never feel completely isolated. It was a very spiritual experience, but when she came upon a divergence, everything seemed to pause and hold its breath for her.

"Hmm, a fork in the road," she pondered. Noticing a stick lying on the ground, Wakaba asked herself the same question any fangirl would pose in that position: What Would Toshiro Mifune Do? Why, he'd throw the stick into the air and follow whichever path it chose for him. Since she was quite the samurai film buff, she decided to test this theory and let the twig fly. It sailed well, but landed atop a scarecrow, tapping him awake.

"Who's there?" muttered the straw-stuffed man. Since Wakaba lived in Ohtori, a talking sack of hay was the least surprising thing she had seen, and in fact she regarded this as very mundane. He actually looked familiar, this Voodoo figurine, and if she squinted right, she could see traced of her old flame, Saionji, in his cornmeal face.

"Just me," she said, stepping forth to identify herself. "Sorry about that. I don't know which path to follow."

"What's a path?" he wondered.

"Uh…I have to follow the Yellow Brick Road to get to the Wizard."

"What's a road? What's a Wizard? What's a follow?" Wakaba scratched her head. This was a most perplexing situation she was in.

"You know, even for a scarecrow, you're pretty brainless!"

"Well, my head _is_ filled with straw," he replied stiffly. She decided to change her tactics and asked him another question.

"Well, have you spotted many other travelers on this road?"

"Yes, quite a number of them."

"Which path did most of them take?" He pointed to his left.

"Half of them went over there…and the other half went there," he added, indicating the right—"I think. Maybe. I saw about a third of them heading in the direction you just came from, I'm sure."

"Oh, forget this!" she shouted, stamping her feet. "I'll just throw the stick again and see where it leads me."

"Oh, splendid! May I come along?"

"What for?" she wondered. "A brainless scarecrow is no use to me."

"Yes, but you see, if I came along with you, the Wizard could make me smarter. Besides, it's sort of a continuity issue, and we have to be _marginally_ faithful to the original, at least."

"Fourth wall!" shouted Utena as she popped up from the cornfield. The pink-haired heroine blushed and jerked her finger to the right. "Uh, sorry to interrupt, but since Miki's not here… Anyway, go in that direction."

"Really? The right?"

"Yeah. And take Saionji—I mean, 'Brainless' here with you."

"Fine," she huffed as she lifted him off the stake. "But I just want you to know that I no longer have a thing for him. He's had his chance, and like all girls that were scorned by the man of their dreams, I've turned to women to satisfy my needs!!"

There is an awkward pause.

"We should leave," Saionji suggested, since nobody knew how else to emerge from that frigid stagnancy. Wakaba agreed, and so the two became three! And no, there will be no songs here, thank goodness. Even Shiori will behave herself.

……

Brainless, Wakaba, and Chu-chu discovered that the path they had taken was not an entirely pleasant one. The sweetness of the air and the gentle lull of the wind abandoned them a few miles down the road, and the dark embrace of a forest swallowed them whole, until even the slimmest slivers of sky and sun vanished, conquered by the canopy. It was not quite so frightening yet—our heroine had a dull-witted shield that could never be killed except through incineration (imagine how fun it would be to set Saionji on fire! Wheeeee!), plus a brave little monkey-creature with an insatiable appetite—but it was still a haunting place to be.

"Do you think there will be lions in this wood?" she wondered.

"Oh, possibly," Brainless answered nonchalantly. "By the way, what's a lion? And what are woods?"

"Never mind," she deadpanned. "I guess asking about tigers and bears is moot."

"Probably, although I have heard of Kalidahs in this region. Most unsettling beasts, the Kalidahs: half tiger and half bear. I have nothing to fear from them, but you, my dear, would—"

"All right, that's enough!" she roared. "Sheesh, you're really annoying. Maybe the Wizard should give you a better personality first."

"I can't help it," Brainless sighed. "Being a dumbass is a part of who I am."

"Ya got that right," she muttered. Suddenly, they ran into a robot!!

"Ow!" No, not like that!

"Hey look! It's a cute female android!" Wakaba gushed. Now that's more like it! Discovering an attractive mechanical humanoid creation in the middle of the forest is not something that happens every day, so their exuberance can be excused. Wakaba and Brainless surrounded the stiffened android and wondered if they could get it running again. Chu-chu walked up to it and took a bite, but started to cry when he realized that metal was too hard to chew. Silly boy.

"Maybe we should rub hot oil over her body," Brainless suggested. "Of course, that would help us out a lot if I knew what oil was."

"Ahuh," our heroine snorted. Of course, she didn't buy it at all, especially with the words "rub hot oil on her body" in the mix. "Listen, if you think I'm turning this into an R-rated sexual escapade, you've got the wrong girl, buster! Boy, are you ever stupid!"

"Well duh," he shrugged coyly. They drew straws for it anyway, but since Brainless was so stupid, he lost no matter which of his straws he pulled out. In no time at all, the android was animated again—and they realized what a big mistake this was.

"It took you long enough!" she snapped. "I must've been standing in that position for over five minutes! Honestly, is everyone so lazy around here that they can't even help someone in need? What are you two gawking at? Fetch my things! Bring me a palanquin so I don't have to walk! I need food and water immediately! Some fans to keep me cool and an umbrella for my skin would be nice as well. Well what are you waiting for?"

"You're…a real snob," Wakaba moaned. Of course, since the android bore an uncanny resemblance to Nanami, this really didn't help to change their opinion.

"Downright heartless," Brainless agreed. "Maybe we should take you to the Wizard so he can give you one."

"A heart?" she scoffed. "I don't need a heart! I have the largest heart in the world! I clothe the hungry and feed the naked! I sell Christmas trees to charity and spend the money on home improvement plans and wardrobe repairs! You'll never find in all your travels a more generous person!"

"You're so full of yourself!" Wakaba snapped. "Don't even think about coming along with us. I already have one bumbling idiot with a deficiency, and I don't need another!"

"Ex-_cuse_ me? Who's the bumbling idiot?" Brainless suddenly shot his hand up.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Pick me, pick me! I know, I know! It's me, isn't it? I'm the bumbling idiot!"

"At least he's honest," Wakaba relented. "Frankly, I wouldn't trust Miss Heartless here with a water bottle! She's either drink it herself or sell it for more than it's worth."

"I'll have you know I get dehydrated very easily!" Heartless retorted. "And the only reason I'd ever sell one of those is so I can buy more."

"This is ridiculous," Wakaba moaned. She protested Heartless's company again and again, but in the end, persistence (and Brainless's sheer stupidity) won out in the end, and a fourth was added to the procession. Personally, Chu-chu feared for his safety and well-being.

……

Even though they were entering into the blackest heart of the forest, Wakaba would've welcomed darkness and doom at this point. On her left was Brainless, ignorant and moronic, full of questions about everything, even the most ridiculous stuff. On her right was Heartless, a cold, soulless piece of machinery that regarded everything around her as a lesser being—much lesser. With Wakaba centered between them, she was ready for the worst the woods had to throw at them, but instead, alas, she got an Anthy look-alike to greet them.

"Good evening, everybody!" she exclaimed merrily. "Welcome to these forests. If there's anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask." Heartless listed off a thousand things at once, and the girl went straight to work without the slightest whisper of protest. Wakaba actually stood slack-jawed as this unassuming woman bent over backwards and arranged the world for Heartless's liking.

"What a spineless coward!" she blurted. "Okay, we need to take her with us to see the Wizard!"

"I heartily agree," said Heartless. "One such as I needs servants for an arduous journey like this, and let's face it—you two are simply not up to snuff. You're not even good enough to shine my shoes!"

"Your shoes are shined, Miss Heartless!" reported the spineless girl.

"No, no, no!" Wakaba screamed. "We need to bring her with us so that the Wizard can give her some courage!"

"Can't I just take her as a concubine?" Brainless wondered. Wakaba punched him hard for that.

"NO!!! Urgh, what did I ever see in you? Juri my love," she swore to the darkening heavens, "if you can hear me, hang on! I'll be there soon—and you'd better appreciate what I'm doing!"

"Who are you talking to, Miss Wakaba?" Spineless asked. "Are you praying to God again?"

Twitch, twitch.

"Uh, sure, 'God'. Yeah…"

And so, Wakaba, Chu-chu, Brainless, Heartless, and Spineless set out for the Wizard of Oy and his magical upside-down Emerald City. You know, just in case you weren't paying attention.

……

The journey to the Emerald City didn't take very long in retrospect, but for Wakaba, it couldn't be finished quickly enough. She was already feeling terrible about Juri, and being in the company of these three stooges only made things worse. They so perfectly personified the flaws they were named after that she wondered if even the Wizard could help them. It was absolutely pointless to describe the Emerald City, its surroundings, or its people by that point—she was too worn out to notice any of it.

She did get a day to rest and consider what she would say to the Wizard once she met him, and that seemed to lighten her mood. But once those doors opened and his grand audience chamber was drawn out before her, she went in storming, brave and just a little bit reckless, like always. The others followed at a considerable distance: Brainless too stupid to realize what was going on, Spineless quite terrified and uncertain, and Heartless, well…she might have upstaged Wakaba's brash behavior if she had been given enough of a chance. All eyes fell on the Wizard, though, as he descended from above.

And even though she was in love with Juri now, Wakaba's eyes bulged with hearts. Even Heartless and Spineless drooled, but who could blame them? The Wizard looked just like Miki!

"Hello," he welcomed them shyly. "I am Oy, the great and powerful."

"This is a surprise," Wakaba remarked. "I thought Akio would be the Wizard."

"No, Akio's dead," Oy replied.

"At least it isn't me," Brainless muttered.

"So what can I do for you all?" he asked, so very kind and warmhearted. He stared mostly at Spineless, of course, but soon she became too complacent and distant to be admired.

"Well, I just want to find my girlfriend and see if she's all right," Wakaba indicated. "These three, however, are pretty much hopeless."

"Me need brain," giggled the scarecrow.

"They say I need a heart, but _really!_" proclaimed the android.

"After I rub your feet, would you prefer your massage or your pedicure first, Miss Heartless?" inquired the rose bride. Oy groaned.

"I see what you mean. Tell you what: I'll give them a chance to prove themselves. Remember Galinda saying something earlier about the Bitch of the West?"

"Yeah."

"Well, we… That is, we…need her removed. If you could do something about that, then I'm sure you'd be worthy of these possessions."

"I guess that sounds fair for them, but what about me?" Wakaba demanded. "How will killing a Bitch get me closer to my one true love?"

"Well, the Bitch does have a go-kart…"

"I'm in! Where is she? I'll smash her skull open and drink the yummy brain juices!"

"Getting a little psycho here," muttered the poor Wizard. Wakaba just cackled, and Chu-chu copied her. Scary!

……

And so, our brave and noble heroine set out to put an end to the Bitch's terrible reign! Really, though, she was wondering if she could ditch her companions or not, maybe bargain their lives for the use of the Bitch's go-kart. She actually shared this plan with Brainless and Spineless, who (respectively) thought it was a brilliant maneuver and guaranteed their unquestioned support. Heartless, being the smartest of the three, was simply told that a lifestyle worthy of her position awaited them once they reached the Bitch's estate. Oh yes, it's that type of evil, folks.

Actually, the Wicked Bitch of the West lived in quite a nice castle, reminiscent of the old Japanese manses that so powerfully graced the Tokugawa era (for more information, just pick any anime that's set during that period. It's fun and educational!). Several of the Vinkus-dwellers marched out to greet them, each one with a kimono or a gi, decorated with spears and swords and grandeur. The Bitch's castle was an aesthetic maze of turns and hallways and empty rooms and bustling guests, but every step was a joy and a wonder, and the apex took one's breath away.

The Bitch herself hardly deserved her crude title, and in fact Wakaba fell in love with her at first sight, since she so closely resembled Juri. She wore a stunning Oriental dress, shaded the color of nectarines, with flower imprints spiraling down its silky length. Her sunset-red hair was tied up with pins, and her eyes conveyed love and wisdom. Her skin was green, but that made her seem even lovelier. She introduced herself as Elphaba, and stated she was quite at everyone's disposal.

Naturally, Brainless screwed everything up. "We were sent here by the Wizard to go stabby you!"

"Maybe we shouldn't," murmured Spineless. Heartless was infuriated that there was someone in the world even lovelier and wealthier than she, and was overcome with rage. As Elphaba stood slowly to greet her guests, even extending her kindness to the unworthy Heartless, the true bitch of the story tackled her and threw her into the rippling pool of a koi pond. Elphaba was soaked from head to toe, and a little bruised thanks to her tumble. The Vinkus-people instantly stormed into the room and surrounded Heartless, and naturally, Brainless just had to go and make things worse.

"Hey everybody! Wow, there are a lot of pointy shiny things pointing at us shiningly! We're here to kill the Bitch! Are you here to help?"

"We never should've come," Spineless sighed drearily. The Vinkus grabbed Heartless and took her down to their prison, where she stayed forever in the darkness with all the nasty grubby filthy creatures of the world—Wakaba's prophecy come true. They didn't approach Brainless since they figured he was stupid enough to do himself in, and in fact he accidentally stumbled into one of the candles that lit the room in their soft glow, even though they were out of reach and difficult to knock over (Elphaba would've never put anyone in danger, and thus her concern for safety). At once the moron was on fire, and shrieked with laugher as the "tickling happy things" devoured him.

Wakaba went over to Elphaba and drew her out of the water, along with the loyal Vinkus. Luckily, she had not melted, and in fact seemed lovelier in spite of the dampness (no mention of how the silk clung tightly around her chest!). Wakaba felt deep sorrow for what had happened, but also couldn't help but extend her love as well. Elphaba smiled sweetly and caressed the face of her new friend.

"Did you truly come here to slay me?" she asked softly.

"Naw! I just came to ditch my friends! I really wanted to look for my lover Juri, but if I never get out of here, I could probably do just as well with you. You remind me of her so much."

"And you remind me of a love I once lost," sighed the angelic lady. Wakaba couldn't restrain herself anymore; the emotions were overpowering. She kissed the good woman and felt invigoration overflowing, as if all of her trials had never happened, and only a lingering sweetness remained, gentle and tender and…and…

"But what about me?" wondered Spineless. Wakaba snapped at her viciously.

"Just marry the Wizard, you coward!"

"Your wish is my command."

As Spineless left the castle to begin her new life in the Upside-Down Emerald City, Elphaba asked that her stouthearted Vinkus protectors leave her alone with her new companion. As soon as she had Wakaba to herself, Elphaba leaned in to cherish her—but realized this was all wrong. Wakaba had another sweetheart elsewhere; she couldn't consort with anyone else, no matter how close the resemblance was. The pure-hearted green-skinned maiden selflessly promised to do everything in her power to unite Wakaba with her true love, even if she had to turn all of Oy on its head. Wakaba gushed out her thanks, but wondered what kind of love Elphaba could expect for her noble deeds.

"It doesn't matter," she replied warmly. "As long as I can make you happy, I'm content. Besides, some people still say I was better off with Galinda, my old roommate in Shiz."

"I guess," she muttered. "So how can I get to Juri's place from here?"

"Well, did you steal my sister's slippers?" Wakaba winced strongly.

"I knew I forgot something. Actually, it wasn't my fault. The house crushed her feet but spared her head. It was really gross."

"I can imagine," Elphaba replied in disgust. It wasn't a big problem in the long run, she assured her—there were other ways.

Fifteen minutes later… 

"I take it back!!" Wakaba screamed as she was lowered into the catapult. "I don't wanna leave anymore! Take me back, Elphaba! We'd be great together!"

"Farewell, sweet Wakaba," sighed the dear woman, ignoring her friend's cries of help. "Even the angels will feel jealous when they see you soaring through the heavens."

"I don't feel up to this! Maybe we can talk things out! You could at least give me a parachute or somethiiiiiIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"

……

"Whoa!!"

Wakaba Shinohara woke up with a start. Chu-chu was nestled nest to her, snoozing quietly, and beams of sunlight danced across her face, blinding her temporarily. She stirred and tossed, realizing that she was back in her own bed, in her own dorm, in the very heart of Ohtori Academy, and—predictably—it had all been just a dream.

"You're awake," came a familiar voice. Of course it belonged to Juri, who was wearing her nightgown as she hovered over her lover's face. She placed a warm hand on Wakaba's forehead and gave a positive smile. "You fell asleep during that gale we had earlier today. Only you, Wakaba Shinohara, could think of taking a nap while the rest of the school had to put up with that wind!"

"Ugh," she groaned, "I had a really weird dream."

"And fantasizing, too! Is there no end?"

"I was in this awful _Wizard of Oz_ reenactment," she grunted, folding her arm over her face. "You were in there, and Shiori and Kozue were Bitches."

"Are you sure it was a dream?" Juri asked coyly.

"I hope it was," Wakaba muttered. "Mitsuru was a midget, Saionji was a dumbass, Nanami was a cruel snob, Anthy was a wimp, and Miki was a powerful magician." Her face suddenly turned green with illness as she made her final realization. "Juri, it _was_ a dream, wasn't it?"

"Of course, silly," she laughed, kissing her cheek. "Sometimes we see people we're familiar with in our dreams. Was Utena there as well?"

"Yeah… She made a cameo appearance, though."

"And what role did I play?" Wakaba smiled sweetly at Juri, sat up, and kissed her on the nose.

"You just played your same wonderful self. So how are _you_, now that I've recovered?"

"Oh, the usual," she answered off-hand. "I dreamt that I and three others went into this place called Narnia where we had to help this Lion fight a Witch, but other than that…"

"Easy there," Wakaba murmured. "One fairytale at a time, Juri."

_The End!_

_Stay tuned for the FINAL installment!_

_It's very shiny!_

Note: Elphaba, Galinda, and Nessarose are, of course, the "real" names of the three witches in Gregory Maguire's _Wicked_, and the musical of the same name.


	23. The Beautiful Duckling, or

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

How I learned to stop worrying and love the Revolution.

Series Finale: The Beautiful Duckling (or) "I suffered through twenty-three chapters of horrible fairy-tale spoofs and all I have to show for it is this lousy T-shirt"

In the beginning, bewitched was she,

Delicate princess transformed by evil.

Birthed from a mother who doted much love,

And from honored father, civil and fair,

The fame of the princess brought unjust wrath,

And made those who loved her wail in misery.

The evil spell fell as she was nursed by her mother,

Suckling babe, swathed in magic most foul.

From her original beauty she was unjustly transformed,

Into unsightly monster unfit for fair eyes.

T'was only by the grace of her matronly savior,

And the kindness and love of patronly forces,

Did this cursed sovereign find light twixt the dark,

And emerge gradually to a world most disenchanted.

Growth for a monster, unsightly by all,

Brings toil incomparable and nightmares galore.

Twice a day did she uncontrollably bawl,

Yet parental love kept her tears at bay.

But as the years drawled on, familial chains lengthened,

Until at last the princess had been cut adrift,

Floating forever in the ocean of dread,

Where fog clouds all direction, and God unsympathetic.

No driftwood could she clutch, no passing boat to save her,

No anchor for storms, no lighthouse for shelter,

Yet the bewitched princess kept her own light within,

Unnatural love and enthusiasm in scores,

She thrust her limbs forth and challenged the ocean alone,

Swimming through dread with insatiable pride.

One soul did save her; t'was love at first sight,

Admiration for heroes suffocated her life,

Until one day came when she espied a prince,

Though her path was impassable, the venture in vain,

The prince but a shadow, the love just a dream,

And so to the hero, heart heavy, she returned,

A candle whose fire had been buffeted cruelly,

A duckling still ugly, still ordinary, still tepid,

A princess, sans prince, adrift with her hero.

Calm followed storm, sense followed passion,

Relief brought forth meditation, and then careful action.

Another soul was lost in the fast-sweeping river,

A soul nearing death, victim of gallows,

Her anchor weighed heavy, dragging her down,

Cutting into the nape, gnawing patiently,

But the noose was her own; she wore it freely,

No other hand forced this grave fate upon her,

It was a penance, she claimed, for insufferable weakness.

She could not be honest, she could not be true,

The noose destroyed her, yet she wept when it broke,

A shattering circle, broken chain, freed prisoner.

And so, sans necklace, did the lost soul wander,

But the rivers of the world played a curious part,

For two souls adrift do hardly encounter:

Wide is the river, and fast, and broad.

Yet these souls found safety in desperate arms,

Drowning girls saved by each other's resolve,

Grotesque princess and burdened sufferer,

Sparks anew leapt, the fire at full force,

A warmth from the cold, a respite from the journey,

A sanctuary for the lost, a fortress from fear,

Entwined now, by body and soul,

Two lovers met in spite of the trials.

Though the world may despise them, and empty its fields,

Whisking away friends and comforts and hopes,

These two lost ones can still have each other,

Unlikely as it is that their love still exists.

But who could deny them their saccharine joy?

Who could bear to separate two blessed individuals?

For the princess is now as she always has been,

A girl rendered beautiful, a duckling turned swan,

And the wanderer secure, her weakness absolved,

Others now benefit from their remarkable example:

The cruel girl now calmed by a selfless young love,

The brainless found merit in his partner's strong sword,

The jealous and the anchor bound eternally together,

The prodigy in love with hero and heroine.

This epic spectacle has reached its conclusion,

Yet weep not, dear readers, save for love of joy,

For in these times, a clean heart is precious;

To have love be the winner is an ending most grand.

And let it be said now, ere the curtain falls,

May the same love I spoke of benefit you all.

_And they all lived happily ever after._

_Even Juri._


End file.
